The bear necessities, for a curfew
Once again, people seemed to miss a very important detail to a story. A
detail, which could change Edmonton for the better.
This week, everyone freaked out at the possibility of a human hand being found in a bush downtown. I’ll admit, I was worried. I quickly did a hand check of all those in the room, and after a brief moment of panic, found out we were okay.
Then the wheels began to turn… British Columbia has its severed feet.
Surely you recall the foot that washed up on the beach, the foot found by a
jogger, etc… The random, no explanation severed feet. This severed hand
could’ve been our foot.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t a random human hand. Oh no. Instead, it turned out
to be a random BEAR hand. Which, after seeing the hand, it was easy to tell
that it looked EXACTLY like a human hand. Providing, of course, that you
know a lot of people who look like Harry from the under-rated classic:
“Harry and the Hendersons.”
So now, police are looking into how this hand got into a bush in downtown
Edmonton. I got to thinking…you don’t see a lot of bears in downtown
Edmonton, right? So where are the other three paws? Where is this bear?
The bear is still alive. And he’s pissed! Right now, he’s stalking the
streets of downtown Edmonton, hiding in bushes – ready to tackle his prey.
I’ve included a sketch of what I think this bear looks like.
Author's rendering of a bear that could be connected to the paw found downtown.
See? Check out the angry gleaming eyes. This bear lost his hand, and now…he wants YOURS.
Okay, it does seem a little far-fetched. To US. We adults are (mostly) too smart to fall for this. But you know who’s stupid? That’s right. Children.
We’ll sell this tale to the children easier than a 10 cent lemonade stand on a hot, sweaty day.They’ll eat this story up.
Soon, children will be so frightened, they won’t want to leave their houses at night. These children will scurry home at dusk to avoid having their little sticky hands gobbled up by the big, angry, three pawed monster.
(see picture above)
While Edmonton’s children quake with fear, we can finally pass a curfew
bylaw. When the kids realize we’ve lied to them, it’ll be too late.
Fear the three pawed bear! Let’s reclaim downtown for the adults! Who’s with
me?
- Janine Edwards
