Ed Stelmach: lone wolf pack

A letter to the Premier of Alberta, on his most recent television appearance, by Janine Edwards.

Dear Mr. Stelmach,

Your speech last night put me to sleep. It’s a good thing I set my VCR to record the speech, because I had to catch up on it when I woke up.

Now that I’ve watched it, let’s get a few things straight.

That cost HOW MUCH? $134,000. Wow. How many ‘Paranormal Activity’ or likewise indie movies could that purchase? And just what exactly cost so much money?

Was it all that beautiful stock footage? Was it the suit? (Which made you look frightening and awkward.) Was it the powerpoint slides swinging by on the screen? Was it for the speech-writer?

Here are some things you, Mr. Stelmach, and your team could do to improve these paid speeches:

1. Don’t read your prompter word-for-word. We CAN see you, and can tell you are reading as you are talking. Next you’ll be sounding out the big words.

2. Ask NAIT and SAIT kids to get the stock footage. It could be their assignment at school and cost nothing to the taxpayer.

3. Ditch the suit, wear something comfortable. Mr. Stelmach, by wearing that suit – you, yourself, just look like a suit. There is no personality there… you are exactly what I thought you’d be. Next time – how about a warm sweater-vest? Or perhaps a three wolf, one moon t-shirt. It will show that you’re one hip cat.

4. If you must use the powerpoint slideslow – do me one favour: creative transitioning. I want that dissolve feature, the curtain transition, and of course, the star wipe. The star wipe is key. Do this over and over, and we’ll take you seriously. As well, you’ll be watched by more people, all over the world – as we will ensure the world sees the video on YouTube.

5. Did you see when Harper sang that catchy Beatles tune on stage? Canadians went ape-shit. Step one: Learn the clarinet. Step two: A groovy jazz number to close your next speech.

6. Ditch the whole ‘speech’ concept. Film it like an episode of ‘Cribs’. Take us on a tour of the Legislature, or your farm in Andrew, and discuss the economy as you tell us what’s in your fridge, and how many cars you have. The brief look at your forest was alright… but what sort of farmer are you? Is it a Beet farm? Beet farmers are popular nowadays.

As it stands, it wasn’t the exciting speech I so dreamed it would be. Do I think it accomplished what you thought it would? No. But I think you just found the opportunity to waste taxpayers money and have a solid 18 minutes of air-time too tempting to resist. I can’t fault you that.

Oh, and by the way – I recorded over some Survivorman episodes. Thanks a lot, Stelmach.