Beever’s Best

Best & Worst of Edmonton 2009 according to me, Gregg Beever

It’s probably a week late for a “year in review” type post, but I’ve
managed to convince the Editor-in-Chief to let me do it anyway. So
gather ‘round Edmonton, here is the year’s best and worst according to
me, Gregg Beever.

Best Local Band: The Provincial Archive

Edmonton has a very good music scene. While I haven’t experienced
enough of any other city’s scene to be considered even remotely
expert, I think I can humbly and modestly declare Edmonton’s the best
on the planet.

Our city has a plethora of small, intimate venues like the Empress,
Blue Chair or the Hydeaway. Here the music isn’t deafening, neither is
it crowded with hordes of drunk teenage lunatics screaming in your
very aged and sensitive ears. These are venues where the nuances of
each tune can be soaked in peacefully over a pint or a coffee. I can
spend an entire show in relaxed mesmerization of a percussionist’s
talented movements, the concentration of a cellist or violinist, or
the deft fingering of a guitarist.

Small venues also give you the opportunity to chat with the musicians.
I always make a point of telling an artist when I liked their set. My
theory is no one gets tired of hearing they are awesome. Plus it leads
to some interesting conversations, for instance: I once had a chat
with Megan from The Last Town Chorus about the logistics of using
laminated bookmarks as tools for cleaning up sexual fluids.

A friend of mine once told me she avoided chatting with musicians for
fear of becoming “that girl.” You know the one; that wound up
pre-pubescent girl, lavishing band members with intense adoration
before giving in to hyperventilation and passing out.

Which bring us (finally) to The Provincial Archive.

Craig Schram’s melodic prairie tunes truly demonstrate the fantastic
level of musical talent that exists in E-town. The Archive’s soft
sounds, formed from a collection of guitar, accordion, mandolin,
glockenspiels and other absorbing rhythms, somehow find me
steering-wheel drumming like I was rocking out in my car to Motion
City Soundtrack. In short, they’re excellent.

So excellent, in fact, that when I was chatting with one band member
before a show at the Pawn Shop I sounded like that hyped up
pre-pubescent girl meeting the Jonas Brothers.

I’m willing to bet I didn’t come off quite so ridiculous, but that’s
how I remember it:

“You guys are fantastic, I listen to you in my car every day! It’s
weird that you guys are, like, from Edmonton and I’m playing your
music in Edmonton, you know? That’s just…weird, right? I love you
guys. I’m going to have your babies.”

Worst Annoyance: Construction

The ill-advised housing over-expansion in our city during an economic boom has left us with troubling traffic logistics. Road construction becomes a larger irritant every year, increasingly sending me into fits of frothy vehicular rage.

While I have no statistical backup, 2009 certainly must have reached a record high for inconvenienced motorists. This year saw Fox Drive completely shut down for long stretches, Quesnell Bridge became even more of a bottleneck, and South Common looked like an open wound.

Furthermore, I question the wisdom of project planners when roads in utter wretched state get simple patch jobs. Take 99 St. north of Whyte Ave leading to the river valley for example. This road has so many bumps and divots that it’s almost therapeutic to drive on, yet this summer construction crews got in the way of my commute to throw a few patches of asphalt here and there. So in two years time they’ll be back, getting in my way once again to repave the whole road.

Best Restaurant: Blue Plate Diner

This choice might be less about substance and more about style. I love
the atmosphere at the Blue Plate. The random colors and shapes of the
tables, chairs, utensils and plates mimic the same kind of organized
mess found in my own kitchen. The walls are equally eclectic; some
splashed with a rich red or orange, others with white. The south wall
is the character wall, an old red bricked slab from which paintings by
local artists hang.

Oh, the food is good too.

Worst Restaurant: Cafe Mosaics

Okay, I can already sense the collective anger festering amongst the
Edmontonian internets at this choice, but truthfully I’ve never had a
good meal at Cafe Mosaics. On style this restaurant is every bit as
heavy with character as the Blue Plate (and it’s kind of cute you have
to close the door when you walk in, nice homey touch), but the menu is
narrow and the food tasteless. Sorry.

Best Theater: Moving Along

Let me just begin by saying I rarely partake in the thespian arts. In fact, I saw all of two plays in 2009.

So, really, I have no right to call anything in theater the “best.” However, Chris Craddock’s Moving Along at this year’s Fringe Festival was special, regardless of where it ranks amongst the best plays in Edmonton this year, it’s worth mentioning.

Craddock delivered a unique, personal one man show from a chair surrounded by five or six lights. The arms of his chair were outfitted with switches, allowing Craddock to flick each dramatically positioned light on and off depending on the mood he wished to create. He crafted each lighting change artfully, as if editing a film, using the device to build tension, induce sympathy or tell a joke. Truly an impressive work of art.

Worst Sports Team: Every Sports Team

City of Champions we are not. We may think it wise to rethink our town
motto as it can most aptly be used as the butt end of a joke.

2009 was the most painful time to be an Oilers fan since the early
90’s. At the end of the year (and as of this writing) the Oilers sat
dead last in the Western Conference standings. Being an Oilers fan
myself I have taken to curling up with my Messier-autographed hockey
stick and sobbing uncontrollably.

The Oil Kings are too young a franchise to be a winner, the Eskimos
didn’t fair well and the Rush also experienced futility in 2009.

I guess we have a baseball team, right? What are they called, the
Capibats, or something? They could have won every game last season and
I would have still considered them a failure, ‘cause it’s baseball.
Baseball is lame.

Best Pub: The Empress Ale House

I tell my friends to come out to the Empress so much they’ve probably
begun to hate me for it. Also, my phone will auto-type “the empress”
for me when I type the letter T.

The bright reds walls, the awesome staff, the cheesy chandeliers, the
dark, rustic wood tables, the overpriced drinks, I love it all! If
they’d let you marry a bar, I’d marry this one.

Biggest Douchebag: Ed Stelmach

There was a lot of mismanagement from the Premier’s office in 2009,
but nothing got me more upset at the man than this quote on skipping
the Copenhagen climate talks:

“We probably would have been a larger target had I gone there as premier.”

Yes, Alberta was under fire at the December talks for selling some of the
dirtiest, most inefficiently excavated oil on the planet, and our
premier’s response was to avoid the issue. Nice work. It
really speaks to the cowardice of the man when he will tout Alberta’s
“strong” environmental initiatives from his desk, but won’t face his
critics on the world stage.

Best of Edmonton 2009: Tara Reid Playboy Spread

Jeff told me not to mention Tara Reid in this article, and he really
shouldn’t have done that, because now I’m just going to proclaim Tara
Reid’s Playboy appearance the best thing that happened to Edmonton in
2009. Congratulations Tara, you’re a star! Here’s hoping my praise
will land you future jobs in such direct to DVD releases as My Boss’s
Daughter 2 and American Pie: Eugene Levi’s Levy’s Career Tanks Some More.

(Editor’s note: I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned Tara Reid. And in case you missed it, Mr. Beever has already chosen his favourite movie theatre.)