Gregg Beever wants to do, and don’t, you

By Gregg Beever

Good news Edmonton, it’s March!

Christmas is over and St. Valentine has packed his chalky candy hearts away for another year, meaning a flood of suddenly singles will soon be prowling the city’s nightlife looking for love.

Wait…what?

I’ll bet that’s what you are thinking, but lets face it, Edmonton, this is time of year when a lot of people become single. We’ve all been there, no one wants to dump their boyfriend or girlfriend before Christmas, or on Valentine’s Day, so we gut it out. Sure, it’s cowardly, but breaking up is hard; we can hardly be blamed for not wanting to make it any harder. So we wait.

Then in late February – BLAM! – pull the trigger, execution style!

So to prep you for Edmonton’s forthcoming 2010 spring singles season I’ve compiled a list of dating dos and don’ts. Once you’re finished reading I guarantee you will be ready to sow your wild oats, or whatever bad prairie analogy you want to use.

DO take your date someplace interesting. Beneath Edmonton’s flat, rural appearance lies an eclectic collection of urban social venues. Warm, friendly locally owned restaurants and coffee shops that buck the trend of the universally sterile franchise. Their sometimes disorganized, outdated appearance exposes the humanity and character not found at a Starbucks.

Personally I like Block 1912, Naked Cyber, or Remedy is great after April when the university flock has migrated for the summer. The Empress and O’Byrnes are perfect for a pint on the patio. I’ve already professed my love for the Blue Plate Diner, if you’re doing a dinner date. Haweli is a nice, romantic little restaurant, though ingesting Indian food on a date could be a risky endeavor.

Those are my humble suggestions. Really, just use your knowledge of the city when choosing a dating spot. Trust me, your date will appreciate a unique choice of location. It shows thoughtful originality, which will get you one step closer to make-outs.

You can take your date into that whale, but we don't recommend it if you want a second date.

DON’T take your date to West Edmonton Mall. West Ed might seem like a great dating catch all – restaurants, mini-golf, a creepy iron whale – but it’s lame.

First of all, there is nothing romantic about West Ed. It is loud (visually and audibly), and crowded with prepubescent mallrats. There are giant, ugly paper-mache-like sculptures everywhere that more or less leave the impression that this place is for babies.

Second, West Edmonton Mall is our city’s one and only notable landmark. Do you think Londoners take dates to Buckingham Palace? Or people from Paris (Parasites?) do their romancing at the Eiffel Tower? Actually, the French probably do take dates to the Eiffel Tower, cause the Eiffel Tower is cool, and West Ed is not.

DO try online dating. Don’t feel embarrassed to try your luck with Edmonton’s online scene. The days when Internet dating was considered sad and desperate are over. Either that, or a great deal of the population are sad and desperate, with profiles numbering in the tens of thousands on Plentyof Fish.

The truth is, meeting someone is hard, and meeting the right someone is almost impossible. Online dating can help tip the odds in your favour.

DON’T try the online dating scene. Conversely, online dating is so popular now that weeding through the crazy people is extremely difficult. You and your 19 cats, all named Mittens, are looking for love? That’s nice. I’m just going to go ahead and block you before I end up in your basement freezer.

I’ve done my fair share of online dating and I have found, as it has become more commonplace, meeting reasonably interesting people is a rare event. You’re probably better off meeting people the old fashion way, at the disco.

DO something social on the first date. The biggest rookie mistake you can make on a first date is taking your would-be make-out partner to the movie theater. There’s nothing social about watching a movie, you don’t learn anything about the person you’re with except he/she chews popcorn unusually loud.

Concerts can also be a tricky first date. If the volume is reasonable enough to comfortably carry on a conversation, fine. But when forced to yell over slamming drums and bass I find nuanced conversation is held to a minimum. I’m not going wreck my voice debating whether light is a particle or wave, in other words.

DON’T bring your two toddler cousins on a first date with you. This probably seems like common sense. Not for everyone. I’ve actually been asked if I wouldn’t mind being accompanied by two toddlers on a first date. Uh, no. In no way do I want that to happen.

Eventually I did have a first date with the girl, sans kids. She turned out to be, perhaps not surprisingly, batshit insane. There’s a lesson in there somewhere, not entirely sure what it is though.

DO be yourself. I know this is a huge cliche, but I don’t think the importance can be overstated. Trying to impress your date by kowtowing to their every opinion or holding back your quirky personality not only wastes their time, but yours as well.

Date that same person long enough and eventually your actual opinions and personality will surface, it is inevitable. One day you will both wake up and realize you hate the shit out of each other and be right back to square one; sad and lonely.

Say what you want to say. If you think babies are wrinkly sacks of ugly responsibility you never want to deal with, better your date knows that now. Let them make the decision on who you are, and respect that decision, whether they like you or think you’re a cock (can I say cock at the Edmontonian? Oh well, too late).

(Editor’s note: We let Gregg’s saucy language slide because he simultaneously praised and derided online dating, and that impressed us.)