Big Sexy Speaks: “Why I want a trade.”

By Number 44 (as imagined by Colin MacIntyre)

Hair makes the man.

What up Babies.

So I’m in my mansion, packin’ up my hockey bags (one for equipment, the other for hair product ) when I got to thinkin; Big Sexy owes you an explanation.

I realize a lot of you might have been upset with that interview I gave over the weekend, where I said I don’t want to be here anymore, and that I want to be traded. Yes, I realize I was probably going to be traded this summer anyway, and yes, I realize I may have already been traded, had I not broken my hand on that Iggy’s superdense skull, but I had to give that interview.

I had to get some stuff off my chest, stuff that’s been tearing me apart, like a rip in your favorite Armani suit. You know what I’m talking about, right?

I said that the experience of being back in Edmonton wasn’t the experience I was expecting. That’s putting it midly. My time in Edmonton has been a complete wrecking ball of a freakshow nightmare trainwreck. So what changed? Why was I so excited to come home, to play for the Oil, and now I’m filling up my Escalade with Premium at the Domo, chomping at the bit to get the rock out of here?

Well, consider the following:

1. The Uniforms – Obviously, its important for Big Sexy to look good. I mean, you can’t be ‘Big Sexy’ without wearin’ somethin’ Sexy. Am I right? Let me tell you Babies, that was one of the reasons I came to Edmonton; to wear the jersey. That sexy jersey. The midnight blue, the copper stripe with the red outline. Those weird Oil Guy logos on that shoulder! Now THAT’S a hockey uniform! When I watched Edmonton go to the Finals in 2006, I knew that’s where I wanted to be and THATS the jersey I wanted to wear. The summer of my contract, I had heard that everyone in the NHL was getting new Reebok uniforms, but never in my worst nightmare (which is being trapped on a desert island crawling with babes and only having a two-week supply of hair gel, btw) did I ever think they would change the jersey into what we have now!! What the hell are those copper strips going down the front of the jersey? Are those suspenders? Spaghetti straps? And what kind of bowlcutted shoebrain designs a hockey jersey with stripes that go HALF-WAY AROUND THE ARM??  I sign in Edmonton to wear a sexy hockey jersey, and they hand me something that looks like Walmart pajammas. Oh and then that pharmacist buys the team and they bring back those orange and blue monstrosities, because things that were designed in the 70′s are obviously stylish now. Oy.

2. Tambaweenie – Look, I had never met Steve Tambellini until 2008. I realized he’s the boss. He’s the GM. It’s his team, his show. But he was quick to get on my nerves. Everytime I’d see him I’d say ‘ Hey Tambo, Howz it Happenin?’ and he’d respond ‘ I’m evaluating’. I’d ask him how his sandwich was. ‘ I’m evaluating.” All the time it would be ‘ Evaluating. Evaluating.’ Then he makes that big speech last spring about how he was ‘evaluating’ the team, and was going to bring in toughness and grit, and two months later, brings in Mikey Comrie. Look, Mr. Duff is my Bro, but he don’t exactly eat glass and nails for breakfast. After that, I started calling Tambo ‘Tambaweenie.’ I don’t think he liked that much. Also, he hasn’t talked to me since his wife asked me to autograph a photo Cogliano, Moreau and I took for ESPN the Magazine.

3. The Old Boys Hair – They talk about Edmonton having ‘An Old Boys Club’ from the glory years right? Well I thought that would be cool at first. Hanging with guys who played on the greatest teams in hockey. Sharing in stories of championships galore. Then I noticed their hair. MacT? Went white as a ghost. Bucky? Bald as a Waxed Chicken. K-Lowe? What’s left of his hair is holding on for dear life! I knew then that I couldn’t stay in Edmonton. Above all things Babies, Big Sexy has to protect his hair. I cannot go bald. Do you hear me? I. CAN. NOT. GO. BALD!

So there it is, Babies. You may hate me for it, you may scorn me and burn your number 44 jerseys…umm…well, again… But I felt you should know the truth. It’s not about you, or this city! I love this city. It’s my home…well one of my many homes! I may leave, but I’ll always have a special place in my heart for Edmonton.

Just not a special place in my hair.

Colin MacIntyre isn’t Big, but he did score a 79 on his grade 12 sexy physics final. He appears on CJSR‘s ‘Makin Whoopee’ Tuesday mornings, or at the Makin’ Whoopee website. You can follow him on twitter too.