May Movies – By Gregg Beever
Last week I picked up something called the Edmonton Journal. Have you guys heard of it? It’s some sort of news source printed on paper; how quaint!
Anyway, one of their entertainment journalists wrote a lengthy primer about this summer’s blockbuster movie season.
The article was boring. No sass, no salty language. It needed outrageous opinions and, more importantly, it needed to tell me how, and what, to think about each movie released this summer.
Then I though, “Hey wait! I could tell everyone what to think. That’s way better!”
Read on, fellow Edmontonians, for Part 1 of Gregg’s Summer Movie Primer.
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When you’re hot in Hollywood you are hot. Robert Downey Jr. kicks off the summer blockbuster season as the cocksure Tony Stark in Iron Man 2, continuing his highly bankable rampage through the box office.
Who, at this point, wouldn’t want to see more Downey Jr.?
He instantly takes control of every scene with his magnetic swagger and rugged good looks. Test audience statistics show that 90% of women’s panties blow clean off whenever Mister Junior graces the frame. And why not? Even I would try and grope that sexy man’s ass if he weren’t wearing a giant red and gold chastity suit.
Iron Man 2 boast a strong supporting cast in Mickey Rourke, Don Cheadle, Sam Rockwell, Gwyneth Paltrow and a leather clad Scarlett Johansson. With so much high-end talent, and so many characters to manage there are some concerns director Jon Favreau may have created another Spider-man 3.
But I believe Robert Downey Jr.’s ass can save any film!
Potential for Awesome: 9 sassy, back-talking computers out of 10
Queen Latifah will star in the summer’s first romantic comedy. I like Latifah, she’s a solid actress who comes off as very genuine. It’s nice to see her trusted to carry the female lead in a summer rom-com, particularly because she doesn’t have the absurdly skinny body type typically cast for the part.
Having said that, I’m still not going to see it.
Latifah’s love interest is played by some dude named Common.
Ridiculous names usually mean rappers and, wouldn’t you know it, a quick check on IMDB reveals that Common is indeed such a musician.
Does Common have just the Wright stuff (get it?!) to pull off some romantic movie magic? Let me know, I’ll be in the theater next to it watching Robin Hood.
Potential for Awesome: Zero commons out of sense.
“Making movies, making music and FIGHTING AROUND THE WORLD!”
Russell Crowe is back and reunited with Ridley Scott for Gladiator II: Prince of Thieves.
Since the success of the Dark Knight, tinsel town figures what audiences want are gritty, dark heroes. Ipso facto: a dark and gritty Robin Hood.
Personally, I’m all for it. My greatest frustration with any adapted property from my childhood is they are rarely treated with any degree of seriousness. Instead I’m forced to endure two hours of Shia Labeouf quips and Megan Fox presenting when what I want to see is Optimus Prime struggle as the reluctant warrior.
So if producers believe the road to the bank is paved in heavy adaptions of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Superman, Godzilla, and Robin Hood, I say “Here’s my money!”
Potential for Awesome: Four tug boats out of Five
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I don’t have much to say about what is surely just another bullshit rom-com, except that I’m baffled by the film industry’s sudden fascination with Amanda Seyfried. I know her as one of the bitchy chicks in Mean Girls with questionable acting talent. Now she’s starring in her own summer movie? I don’t get it.
Potential for Awesome: Three Lindsay Lohan meltdowns out of Ten
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Good news and bad news. The bad news is Dreamworks made another Shrek movie, the good news is Community got picked up for a second season. I know the two are unrelated, but I have no idea how to dress up the prospect of another Shrek.
Shrek the Third was surprisingly bad. Somehow the smart, snappy wit that made the series great sank into the swamp. I love you Mike Myers, but your sequels have a nasty habit of rehashing old jokes.
Once a franchise begins to go south recovery is rare and difficult. We all painfully recall the wretched state Joel Schumacher left Batman in. That franchise took eight years and a reboot in an entirely new direction to recover.
Maybe Myers and company manage to pull one out, but I’m not holding my breath.
Potential for Awesome: Two Ogre farts out of Five
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When the announcement came that Universal was producing a MacGruber movie the internet let out a collective “Huh? What?”
Pictures based on Saturday Night Live sketches don’t exactly have a stellar track record, partly because there just isn’t enough substance in a sketch to flesh out into a feature length film. It’s a hurdle that only Dana Carvey and Mike Myers have managed to leap with measured success.
MacGruber must also try to find an audience with a parody of a character who half the target audience will barely remember. At this point Richard Dean Anderson is better known for Stargate than he is MacGyver.
Surprisingly the trailer is solidly hilarious, and we may be in for a surprise as MacGruber looks to buck the trend of the SNL curse. Plus the movie has Kristen Wiig and a pudgy Val Kilmer. I’m sold.
Potential for Awesome: Ten paperclip bombs out of Ten
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Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
A bulked up Jake Gyllenhaal challenges the curse of the horrendous video game adaptation. Very few games have ever been translated into successful films; only Resident Evil has managed to grab decent box office dollars, though I’m unsure why.
However, Jerry Bruckheimer and Disney did manage to turn an amusement park ride into a billion-dollar trilogy, so perhaps the outlook is good for Prince of Persia.
Potential for Awesome: Two broke backs out of a mountain
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I know very little about Sex and the City. When I found out it wasn’t a porno I honestly stopped caring.
What I do know is many husbands and boyfriends will be dragged to the theater to watch Sara Jessica Parker (who would make a great Gargamel in the upcoming Smurfs movie) and that Canadian chick learn about life, love and expensive clothes…again.
The poster for Sex and the City 2 reads “Carrie on.” More like “Carrie Off.” Am I right? High fives, everyone!
Potential for Awesome: Half a Mr. Big
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Gregg Beever’s a busy guy, but don’t you worry Hollywood kids, he’ll have more summer movie spectaculars soon. He just has to go blow up a few things for Michael Bay first.
