Sex and the City: Beever Party

Ladies and gentlemen, you know Gregg Beever as our resident dating expert. Or maybe from our recent trip to Funkytown.  Or possibly from his ardently anti-Cafe Mosaic stance. But we know and love Gregg as our summer movie guy! As well as the guy who is up for anything! He’s quite the swinger, that Gregg Beever (t-shirt coming soon)!

Which is why I asked him to go see Sex and the City 2 with me. I cannot fairly review this movie, because I have been such a devoted fan of the show for so long. All I knew about it going in was that some, likely, contrived plot device would lead our ladies to Abu Dhabi, and I still wanted to see it. So I needed a voice of reason to go check out the sequel with me.

As far as hetero, sci-fi enthusiasts go, Gregg is pretty much as even-handed and open-minded as they come. He’s man enough to watch a lady movie, in public! And to get cosmos at Ricky’s All Day Grill in City Centre with me beforehand!

But then things sort of fell apart. I’ve been really sick for the last two weeks, so Gregg showed up to find me with a wet barking cough and a cold medicine hangover. And they were out of  triple sec at Ricky’s, so we had to settle for cranberry juice in martini glasses. It should’ve been a sign of things to come!

I would like to take a moment to bust out a few spoilers so that I might tell you about some of the plot points that Gregg endured like a champ!):

• The SATC ladies’ karaoke performance of “I Am Woman”
• Liza Minelli in hot pants
• About a million menopause jokes
• Repeated extreme closeups of guys’ junk

So regardless of our opinions of the movie, a very big round of applause for Gregg, who will truly do whatever it takes to keep you guys entertained.

What follows is our review of the film, which we completed via facebook chat.

Sally: so what did you know about sex and the city when we went to the movie? were you going in totally blind?

Gregg: It’s hard to go blind into something like Sex and the City, the show ran for what? 15 seasons? I only assume that based on the weathered, haggard look of the actors.

Sally: it’s actually been on since 1968.

Gregg: Jesus. Those chicks look pretty good then, I guess. Praise be to botox.

Sally: HA HA so to sum up the plot, we would say what…? you put it well when we were leaving , that it was like “women in their 40s learning things they really ought to have known by this point”.

Gregg: Pretty much. “I’m 40 years old and I haven’t figured out that marriage is boring sometimes, or that kids cry a lot, or working for a boss who is an enormous *&^% is not fulfilling”

Sally: but to be fair (because i thought the story was pretty terrible but i still loved seeing fancy ladies in pretty clothes) if we were to break down the plot of star wars or die hard, it would probably sound equally as weak.

Gregg: Well that depends on which Star Wars we’re talking about, first of all.

Second, Bruce Willis walked on shards of glass in bare feet to save his wife. Carrie whined about watching TV then cheated on her husband for no reason.

Sally: okay, so your complaint about sex and the city 2 was that it was not as romantic as die hard? you sensitive man!

Gregg: Actually, I’d have a hard time trying to justify anything in Sex and the City 2 as being romantic.  The closest that movie comes to getting romantic is Kim Cattrall getting railed on a jeep.

Sally: i knew that was your favorite part. and all the gratuitous crotch shots.

Gregg: Boners are funny.

Sally: i would like you to choose the very best part of this movie and the very worst. but i’ll say mine first so you have a sec to think about it.

worst: the liza minnelli musical number right in the beginning.   best: pretty dresses.

now you.

Gregg: worst: every joke in the movie.

I’m not kidding. Every joke in this movie falls flat. I’ll give you a couple samples of punchlines:

“Abu dhabi-do”

Sally: HA HA that one really pissed you off.

Gregg: “Camel Camel Toe”

I don’t care what set up for those punchlines you have, it’s never going to be funny.

When she said “Abu dhabi-do” I was like “am I watching a movie for babies?”

Sally: then you saw the australian football team in speedos in slow motion and you’re like, “maybe it’s for lusty babies?”

okay, but there had to have been something redeeming. one thing you liked.

Gregg: Mr. Big. Is it mister?

Sally: Sure. John James Preston, if you’re nasty.

Gregg: Anyway, he was the only character who had any common sense.

Sally: this is true. do you feel you’ve gained any insight into women from seeing this movie?

Gregg: Haha! No! Only that women watch sh&!ty movies.

Sally: i would agree with that. except that it’s worth noting there were A LOT of dudes there.

Gregg: Including a curious fellow who slipped in late and left early.

Sally: backpack guy! and who sat down right next to you.

i would like to say that my favorite part of seeing this movie was when it would get quiet, and you would be the only person laughing. because of how stupid you thought it was.

also, when samantha said something dirty and you were all, “Oh my god, I GET IT, you’re a slut!”

Gregg: Haha! Yeah There was a scene where Carrie was wearing what looked like a Daisy Duke outfit. If I was gay I’d be like “Oh honey, no. No, no, no. You cannot pull that off.”

Sally: ha ha, instead you just whispered to me, “oh honey she cannot pull that off.”

did you find a lot of the stuff in the middle east to be vaguely racist?

Gregg: Kind of. Then again, I think we all react inappropriately to different cultures when we think they’re “weird”

Sally: look at you, giving credit to the writers of the film. does this mean you’ll be on board for sex and the city 3: the menipausening?

Gregg: Perhaps I’ll have recovered. My brain will have regained cognitive abilities.

Sally: was it better, worse, or about what you thought it would be?

Gregg: I think it was about bang on what I was expecting.

Sally: okay, so let’s finish up with brief reviews. how would you describe/rate it?

Gregg: Sex and the City 2 is basically intolerable. Even if you like the series, the acting less than stellar, the dialogue is about as ham-fisted as it gets, and there is barely a plot to speak of, the major tension in the plot doesn’t come until and hour and a half in.

Even then the writers tend to forget about it in favour of wacky, exotic scenery.

Sally: I loved when they flew smith jerrod back to abu dhabi just to shoot a poster for the movie he had just filmed in abu dhabi. because it was the only place on the planet with sand dunes.

Gregg: Haha! That was great. Cause apparently that movie studio hasn’t heard of Photoshop.

Sally: HA HA dammit beever, you could’ve saved them thousands!

I agree with you about the movie. Though I love love LOVE sex and the city the tv series, both of the movies were a let down.

pretty dresses aside, it’s just becoming sad to watch 45 year old women make the same dumb mistakes they made at 30.

Gregg: I’m sure there will be a 3rd to disappoint you further.

Sally: i would expect nothing less. and in the meantime, you and i can go see that movie we saw the trailer for about the unexpected couple owho accidentally inherit a baby. because ROMANTIC COMEDY!

Gregg: WHOO!