Even Sassier Summer Movies

Hey Edmonton, Gregg back again with your continued guide to the 2010 summer movie season. I decided it might be a smart idea to let you know the date these films are released this time. Next time I’ll also remember to list the director and who is starring, but I’m too lazy for that right now. Enjoy!

-

Splice – June 4th

I loved Zach Snyder’s remake of Dawn of the Dead, brilliantly brutal, and starred Canadian actress Sarah Polley, who turned in a great performance as the vulnerable alpha-female, Ana.

This summer Polley stars along-side another of my favourite performers; Adrien Brody (The Jacket, anyone?). Together they splice a dog with a gnat, or something, and genetic terror ensues.

Honestly, the lab-baby featured in Splice is one of the most uncomfortably creepy monsters I’ve scene on film. I think it’s the lipstick and eyeshadow; just weirds me out.

Potential for Awesome:

Take that lipstick off! You look like a whore!

-

Killers – June 4th

Oh gods.

Determining which movies are unworthy of your hard earned dollars is not a difficult task. First ask yourself “Is it a romantic comedy?” If the answer is yes, don’t spend your money; or at least wait until you can rent it.

Okay, maybe you don’t agree good romantic comedies are as rare as a Virgin Marry appearance on toast, but at least read the badly written synopsis before you decide to waste a trip to the theater.

Here is the actual Lionsgate synopsis for Killers:

“Trying to recover from a sudden break-up, Jen Kornfeldt (Katherine Heigl) believes she’ll never fall in love again [Oh no! It’s so tragic and sad!]. But when she reluctantly joins her parents on a trip to the French Riviera, Jen happens to meet the man of her dreams [barf], the dashing [nope], handsome [definitely not] Spencer Aimes (Ashton Kutcher). Three years later, her seemingly impossible wish has come true: she and Spencer are newlyweds living the ideal suburban life [Such a rare, impossible thing to get married and live in suburbia] – that is, until the morning after Spencer’s 30th birthday when bullets start flying. Literally. [What would be happening for bullets to be flying figuratively?]”

Potential for Awesome:

One ironic farmer hat our of Five.

-

Get Him to the Greek – June 4th

In an unlikely spin-off, Russell Brand returns to the role of Forgetting Sarah Marshall’s Aldous Snow. Playing the likable asshole suites Brand, whom I’m guessing isn’t straying too far from his actual personality here.

There was some internal debate amongst my friends as to whether Jonah Hill was reprising his desperate musician/waiter character from Forgetting Sarah Marshall or if he was simply playing a whole new character. The answer is, if you care, Hill plays an entirely new character named Aaron Greenberg.

I’ve read early reviews that say the show stealer in this film is actually Sean Combs. P. Diddy himself comes out of nowhere and puts on a comedy clinic, who knew?

Potential for Awesome:

One delicious serving of Saganaki!

-

Marmaduke – June 4th

Everyone loves talking dogs!

Pass.

Potential for Awesome:

None.

-

A-Team – June 11th

At this point brainstorming in Hollywood must go something like “What else was popular in the 80’s? Didn’t people play Battleship in the 80’s? Yeah, make a movie about Battleship.”

Not surprisingly, the series that made Mr. T a pop-culture phenomenon has passed through the Hollywood recycler for a surely brief nostalgic revival. The modern makeover of the A-Team includes Bradley Cooper, Liam Neeson, Quinton Jackson and District 9’s Sharlto Copley, who at least gives me one reason to watch it.

However, if you love explosions, prepare to have your meaty brain tickled with physically implausible fancy!

Potential for Awesome:

3 out of 5 pitied fools

-

The Karate Kid – June 11th

Continuing the rampage through 80s properties we get a new Karate Kid. Reaction to this film is tepid at best, with most movie goers feeling a remake is completely unnecessary. Understandable, considering the last Karate Kid attempted without Ralph Macchio was quite forgettable; how many remember Hilary Swank and praying mantis style?

The new film isn’t even about karate. When word broke Will Smith was producing a Karate Kid starring his son Jaden and Jackie Chan there was some title confusion. Jackie was quoted claiming the movie would be called “The Kung Fu Kid,” a far more appropriate title considering the film is set in China and the plot has Jackie teaching Jaden kung fu, a Chinese discipline, not karate.

But “The Kung Fu Kid” is not an established, bankable franchise, so “The Karate Kid” it is.

Despite its problems, I liked that the remake was set entirely in China, and that Jackie Chan was getting a turn as the Mr. Miyagi-type mentor, there was some potential there. That was until I found out the director, Harald Zwart, was also at the helm for such hits as Pink Panther 2 and Agent Cody Banks.

Potential for Awesome:

All the potential of a modern Steve Martin movie.

-

Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work – June 11th

(I’m not sure if or when this will hit Edmonton, June 11th is the US release date)

Sympathy is not easily earned by celebrities, nor is respect. For an aging comedian well past her prime, continuing to work in an industry notorious for chewing and spitting performers, every day must feel like an uphill battle.

Joan Rivers, who’s face looks as though it is used to grow and cultivate Botox, has become the ass end of a punchline in the twilight of her storied career. Once mentored by Johnny Carson, Rivers has been reduced to doing anything for work. “I’ll wear a diaper” she says in the trailer.

A Piece of Work documents a year in her life struggling to maintain her career.

Potential for Awesome:

3 bad menstruation jokes out of 5

-

The Mormon Proposition – June 18th

(Again, US release)

Proposition 8 swiftly cut the right to marry for hundreds of thousands Californian homosexuals in November of 2008. The Mormon Proposition examines the role the Mormon church played in tabling the proposition and its eventual passing, thus making for a very angry Sulu. Full power to the gaysers!

Okay, that was lame. That paragraph looked boring, that’s all I got to punch it up. I’M NOT YOUR DAMNED MONKEY!

Anyway, I hardly need another reminder of the active role organized religion plays in the stunting of social progress, but this particular documentary looks too terrifying to pass up.

Potential for Awesome:

Sensors are detecting gayma radiation captain…sorry.

-

Toy Story 3 – June 18th

While we’re making gay puns, Woody’s back!

I suspect this will be the last in the Toy Story series. Or at least it should be. The reason for making any sequel is that there is still a story left to tell. In the case of Toy Story 3, Woody and Buzz struggle after being given away when Andy leaves for college, concluding the series where the story for any toy naturally ends.

Pixar is a remarkably consistent studio, producing a dizzying array of memorable films, so I trust them not to go for the cash grab with a Toy Story 4.

Then again, Cars 2 and Monsters Inc. 2 are on the way…sigh…

Potential for Awesome:

10 out of 10. What can I say, I’m a sucker for Pixar movies.

-

Jonah Hex – June 18th

Who the cuss is Jonah Hex? Don’t worry, until film blogs came alive with the news of Josh Brolin playing the character I had no idea either. As Hollywood continues to excavate the comic book mine, the heroes unearthed to take the silver screen will become more obscure. Ant-man, for example, a super hero the size of an ant. Riveting.

In fairness to Jonah, he has been around a long while, the character was created in 1971. Billed as a western anti-hero, Hex has no super powers to speak of, save his deadly aim with a pistol. Basically he’s just a badass bounty hunter.

That wasn’t good enough for the studio, of course, who have anointed Jonah with supernatural powers. In the trailer he appears to bring a man back from the dead, which likely sent comic geeks leaping to their keyboard to register their disgust.

But all is not lost, Megan Fox is the leading lady, which is bound to attract the lusting male ticket dollar. Why do you suppose Transformers made 300 million dollars? It certainly had nothing to do with good story telling or adept direction. (hint: the secret is titties and explosions)

Potential for Awesome:

Three sticky Maxim magazines out of Five

-

Grown Ups – June 25th

Doctors announced this morning that Adam Sandler’s career laboured on life-support for much of the past decade, but finally succumbed to a family comedy. Sandler’s family issued a statement saying his career died peacefully and in the company of friends David Spade and Rob Schneider. Doctors place the time of death at June 25th, 2010.

Grown Ups is rated PG-13, so technically it isn’t a family comedy, but the trailer sure feels like one. This movie could be like Adam Sandler’s Parenthood. Except Parenthood was good, and Grown Ups will be terrible.

Potential for Awesome:

Hopefully another war of words between Roger Ebert and Schneider will break out. Otherwise, zero.

-

Knight and Day – June 25th

Tom Cruise plays a quirky secret agent/spy gone rogue, who gets the unwilling Cameron Diaz involved in a deadly game of lies and betrayal. Diaz must decide if Tom is trust worthy or crazy…in the movie. Otherwise the choice is simple, he’s crazy.

I feel guilty when I want to see a Tom Cruise movie now. I try to convince myself I won’t watch Knight and Day on account of Cruise being a reckless Scientology zealot, but I can’t help myself. The man may be a certified loon, but damn if he isn’t compelling on the silver screen.

Potential for Awesome:

1106 on the E-meter

-

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse – June 30th

Lip biting and gay vampires, what else can I say other than “No, Sally, we are not going to go watch Twilight.”

Potential for Awesome:

Please…

—–

Gregg Beever is the edmontonian’s Sarcasm Bureau Chief. He’s also lucky Sally has no interest in seeing anything Twilight related.