Gregg’s Summer Movie Spectacular

(Editor’s note: It’s a “spectacular” because he talks a lot.)

By Gregg Beever

Celebrity gossip is not an indulgence I concern myself with. I’m not going to claim some bullshit, altruistic “I’m above gossip” from my throne, high atop Mt. Pretentious, because I admit enjoying the odd Lindsay Lohan train wreck article.

But, generally, I just don’t pay much attention; so when Mel Gibson had a chauvinistic, racist melt down, I was oblivious. My friends were shocked when I looked confused while they laughed and screaming “I DESERVE TO BE BLOWN FIRST!”

Do you figure ole’ Melly slipped into a big comformable pair of hate-speech boots over time, or was he always an insanely jealous, controlling sociopath?

We may never know…or care.

I was joking with Jeff and Sally a while back that I basically use each movie preview to talk about whatever cinematic topic I feel like. This month I thought I’d try speaking more directly to each film. Starting with…

- Step Up 3-D - August 6th

Director: Jon Chu

Writers: Amy Andelson, Emily Meyer

Starring: Alyson Stoner, Sharni Vinson, Harry Shum Jr., Rick Malambri

Know what’s really lame? Putting “3-D” in the title of your 3D movie. George Lucas didn’t call his films “Star Wars Technicolor” and Michael Bay didn’t call his robot saga “Transformers: High Contrast and Warming Filters.”

I know all the kids think 3D is “dope,” Disney, but there’s no need to compromise what little integrity your movie has by giving it a title worthy of a theme park ride.

Potential for Awesome?

Believe it or not, these dance movies do have some entertainment value. But, as you might expect, that entertainment value is strictly within the choreography. The plot is a thin veil that loosely navigates characters from once dance scene to the next. I’m not sure why studios don’t just skip the movie part and send these kids on a concert tour. I dunno, seems more appropriate.

- The Other Guys - August 6th

Director: Adam McKay

Writers: Adam McKay, Chris Henchy

Starring: Michael Keaton, Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, Samuel L. Jackson, Dwayne Johnson, Eva Mendes

I’m getting a little tired of Will Ferrell’s clueless buffoon character. Not that I don’t necessarily get a chuckle out of it anymore, just that I’ve seen this movie before. It was called Anchorman or Step-Brothers or Talladega Nights or Elf or Semi-Pro or…

Ferrell is actually quite good in films where he isn’t playing his standard central comedic character. Personally, I’d like to see him pepper his projects with a few more choices like Stranger than Fiction or Melinda and Melinda.

Potential for Awesome?

The trouble with comedies is that the trailers are almost always funny, exciting movie-goers to spend their cash. The reality is that creating a truly memorable comedy is quite difficult, particularly when the lead actor’s shtick is getting old. Also, Mark Wahlberg’s last three films were The Lovely Bones, Max Payne and The Happening. I don’t exactly trust him to pick a good project.

- The Disappearance of Alice Creed - August 6th (limited release, date may be incorrect)

Director: J Blakeson

Writer: J Blakeson

Starring: Gemma Arterton, Martin Compston, Eddie Marsan

Kidnapping plots often follow the same beats; girl gets kidnapped, kidnappers make demands, one kidnapper has a change of heart or betrays his fellow kidnapper, all kidnappers die, roll credits.

But even those familiar plot points can be executed successfully if the tension is set well. The kidnapped girl in this case is Alice Creed (Gemma Arteton), who’s situation instantly draws sympathy from an audience ready to root for her. All you have to do as a filmmaker is supply nefarious villains to hate, and some uncomfortable lighting, and the audience is hooked.

Potential for Awesome?

The first five minutes of Alice Creed is available online, which expertly sets the tension by following would be kidnappers as they build a make-shift holding cell for their victim. There is no dialogue, just the sounds of tools and a menacing soundtrack. There is plenty of potential for awesome here.

- The Oxford Murders – August 6th

Director: Álex de la Iglesia

Writers: Jorge Guerricaechevarría, Álex de la Iglesia, Guillermo Martinez (novel)

Starring: Elijah Wood, John Hurt, Leonor Watling

Frodo Baggins is back, and this time he and Gandalf are solving serial murders with math! I was sorry to see Gandalf recast, but I believe John Hurt will do the roll justice.

Potential for Awesome?

I have not read the book, because books have many words that make Gregg’s thinking lump bored. The director is not one I recognize, so I’m basically out to lunch. Elijah Wood does have a sex scene, though, if any of you gals like Wood.

Also Opening August 6th:

I am Love (Garneau)

Director:  Luca Guadagnino

Writer:  Luca Guadagnino

Starring: Tilda Swinton, Flavio Parenti, Edoardo Gabbriellini

Agora (Princess/Garneau)

Director:  Alejandro Amenábar

Writers:  Alejandro Amenábar, Mateo Gil

Starring: Rachel Weisz, Max Minghella, Oscar Isaac

- The Expendables - August 13th

Director: Sylvester Stallone

Writers: Dave Callaham, Sylvester Stallone

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham

A 63-year-old Sylvester Stallone returns to the big screen – sporting one hell of a Just for Men job – for another action romp. This time Stallone has rounded up the biggest cast of hulked-out testosterone he could find, including: Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Steve Austin, Mickey Rourke, Terry Crews, Danny Trejo, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Randy Couture.

Couture is acting now? The UFC dude? Am I suppose to be excited about this?

One might expect, with such a powerful list of thespians, that Expendables would be Stallone’s last hurrah; going out with a bang amongst his peers. The 63-year-old recently killed rumors of another Rambo flick, but something tells me Stallone isn’t done. Old age be damned! They may have to digitally remove Sly’s colostomy bag, but he is going to make another marginally entertaining movie, dammit!

Potential for Awesome?

Action movies can be all kinds of cliché, predictable schlock, but chances are there is some entertainment value to be found. I sat through McG’s Terminator: Salvation, case in point.

- Scott Pilgrim vs. the World – August 13th

Director: Edgar Wright

Writers: Michael Bacall, Edgar Wright, Bryan Lee O’Malley (graphic novel)

Starring: Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kieran Culkin, Chris Evans, Anna Kendrick, Brandon Routh

Edgar Wright can do wrong in the books o’ Beever. His genius blend of dramatic edits, smart foreshadowing and humor have won me over in just two films, Shawn of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Oh, and Spaced, I shouldn’t leave out Spaced, though I haven’t watched the entire series yet.

Potential for Awesome?

Not surprisingly, the early buzz on Wright’s adaptation of Bryan Lee O’Malley’s graphic novel is very positive. I have my concerns about casting Michael Cera and the heavy use of comic book text elements, but in Edgar I trust!

Scott Pilgrim will be fantastic. If you see one movie this summer…go see Inception. If you see two, Scott Pilgrim is your destination.

- Eat, Pray, Love – August 13th

Director: Ryan Murphy

Writers: Ryan Murphy, Jennifer Salt, Elizabeth Gilbert (book)

Starring: Julia Roberts, James Franco, Javier Bardem, Billy Crudup

According to Wikipedia, Oprah Winfrey devoted two full episodes to Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Eat, Pray, Love, which mean a film adaptation of her memoirs will make a billion dollars.

Not to stereotype, but if Oprah jumped off a bridge it would result in the greatest mass-suicide in human history.

Potential for Awesome?

Honestly, I am completely ill-equipped to judge this film’s potential. I’m not trying to be chauvinistic, I enjoy a good chick flick, more than what is likely considered masculinely acceptable. However, the girl-power journey movies I just don’t stomach well.

Also Opening August 13th:

Hugh Hefner: Playboy, Activist and Rebel (Princess/Garneau)

Director:  Brigitte Berman

Starring: Hugh M. Hefner

- The Switch – August 20th

Directors: Josh Gordon, Will Speck

Writers: Allan Loeb, Jeffrey Eugenides

Starring: Jennifer Aniston, Patrick Wilson, Jason Bateman, Juliette Lewis, Jeff Goldblum

Jennifer Aniston is planning to have a baster baby when a drunk Jason Bateman switches the donor sperm for his own. Jeff Goldblum injects witty sidekick banter and…scene!

Is there a better romantic comedy pitch than this?

Potential for Awesome?

You had me at “drunk baster semen,” movie.

Also Opening August 20th:

Vampires Suck

Directors: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer

Writers: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer

Starring: Ken Jeong, Matt Lanter

Nanny McPhee Returns

Director: Susanna White

Writers: Emma Thompson, Christianna Brand (books)

Starring: Ewan McGregor, Ralph Fiennes, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Emma Thompson

Lottery Ticket

Director:  Erik White

Writers: Abdul Williams, Erik White

Starring: Bow Wow, Ice Cube (no these aren’t character names…augh)

- Going the Distance – August 20th

Directors: Nanette Burstein

Writers: Geoff LaTulippe

Starring: Drew Barrymore, Christina Applegate, Justin Long, Ron Livingston

As I mentioned earlier, I’m down with a good chick flick. As evidence, I submit my affection for the romantic comedy stylings of one Drew Barrymore. There is something very sweet about how Barrymore plays a romantic lead, I even liked Ever After.

Yeah, that’s right, Ever After.

In Going the Distance Barrymore plays opposite Justin Long, who was fantastic in He’s Just Not That Into You; up until the writers gave his part a lame, cop out Hollywood ending.

Potential for Awesome?

I was all ready to give Going the Distance a thumbs up for potential when something in the trailer caught my attention.

As the title suggests, Long and Barrymore are weathering a long distance relationship. When Long finally comes to visit, the two passionately disrobe and begin making out on the dinning room table. Sadly for Justin Long’s aching manhood, they are interrupted by Christina Applegate, pre-coitus. In the next clip we see company eating at the very same table. Applegate, Barrymore and Long watch in horror as their unaware guest eats corn on the cob that has fallen off her plate and rolled over the make out area.

First of all, Long totally got…um…wiener blocked by Applegate, so sexual fluids are out of the equation. So what’s gross about this? Furthermore, has anyone heard of soap in this movie? Dish rags? Clean the stupid table!

All I’m saying is that if the writers can’t sniff out a plot hole this gigantic, then I don’t have much confidence in the rest of the film.

Also Opening August 27th:

Takers

Directors: John Luessenhop

Writers:  Peter Allen, Gabriel Casseus

Starring: Zoe Saldana, Paul Walker, Idris Elba, Hayden Christensen, Matt Dillon

Centurion

Director: Neil Marshall

Writers: Neil Marshall

Starring: Michael Fassbender, Olga Kurylenko

Middle Men (Princess/Garneau)

Director: George Gallo

Writers: George Gallo, Andy Weiss

Starring: Terry Crews, Stacey Alysson, Luke Wilson, Giovanni Ribisi

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Gregg Beever’s our movie guy. That doesn’t mean he knows anything about what makes a cinematic masterpiece, he just sends us an e-mail each month.