(Editor’s note: Over here at the edmontonian we think Edmonton is a sexy city. But sexy isn’t always safe for work, so take note.)
“Attention Walmart shoppers. Were you aware that the love of your life could be waiting for you in the next aisle? Please be mindful of this fact and keep your eyes open as you peruse past the electronics department. Oh, and if need be, we have a sale on condoms and lube in Aisle Three. Thank you for shopping at Walmart. We’re here for all your needs.”
Oh Walmart, what can’t I pick up from you? From Coffins to baby clothes, all lovingly made in China, you truly are the one-stop shop. I’m sure if I tried really hard I could also pick-up an STI from you…but that’s another experiment for another day.
Love though? That’s a whole different concept. After all, my life isn’t a romantic comedy in where I turn the corner and find Mr. Right buying the same brand of cat food. According to craigslist (missed connections), Cupid is always shooting his arrows from high above those rolled-back prices.
Doing a quick survey, there seems to be a higher percentage of people finding their soul mate in some areas then others. While Edmonton and Calgary had four “missed connections” each, Phoenix, Arizona, alone, had 44. Toronto (17) and Las Vegas (11) fell around the median, and the rest of the cities were either a few higher or lower.
Perhaps Phoenix (which seems to be a very popular vacation spot for Edmontonians) has a certain love of cheap prices which in turn leads to cheap romances. This phenomenon which I like to call “Walmart Love” has a chance to increase and spread over the next decade as Walmart continue to penetrate the four corners of the world. While I can’t show you every missed connection about lost love at Walmart here are a few of my faves from the store, and other places.
Until next time, keeping it smart, single and sexy I’m Little Miss Curious.
Enjoy.
(Editor’s note: These are definitely NSFW.)
First, some Edmonton missed connections.
*Sherwood park Wal-mart
Very sexy older blond. I saw you and you saw me on Friday evening. I
was the mid 30′s guy with a beard who couldn’t stop looking at you.
*Mill Woods Dollarama
You have very short hair, just enough scruff to be sexy, great eyes. I
have short(ish) dark (for the moment) hair, usually being pulled
around by a small girl begging for trinkets. You taped together rolls
of electrical tape for me about a week ago and were just going off
shift today as I tried to sneak my way up to the till you were at. I’d
love to grab a coffee or a drink sometime.
*Never should have let you go – m4w – 32 (trapped in an unhappy
situation in edmon)
Didn’t know what I had passed up until you came back into my life.
Never should have let you go, never should have run away
You blow my mind (among other things wink wink)
*Medicentere
I saw u at medicentre 142st this afternoon.. u are wearing a black and
white baseball cap.. i know this is a long shot but no harm in
trying.. u have d cutest face i have ever seen haha! wanna go for a
coffee sometime? i heard d receptionist called u, tell me your name so
i know its u…
*To the hot lady in the Misercordia emergency room Sunday July 4th
I hope you see this. You were sitting in the waiting room with a pink
blackberry and a pack of gum in your hand. You are so beautiful, email
me back if you see this.
—–
Hot Mom at Walmart – m4w – 34 (Capilano) you were the hot mom in front of me in line buying a pair of sexy g-string panties…..didn’t know they sold those there.
Birmingham, Alabama Walmart July 10 You Were Buying Vitamins – m4m – 46 (Gardendale) Hello, This is a major long shot but here I go….Hot fit man in Walmart great fitting jeans! I saw you buying vitaims and checked you out while I was checking my blood pressure. Then I was sitting on a bench in the back of the store and you waved and went into the restroom, I wanted and then followed but waited too long you were coming out as I was going in. There was a reason we couldn’t chat. Please contact me if you see this ad I would like to get to know you.
I am awestruck by you – m4w (Happy Valley Wal Mart) I was at walmart at happy valley today and saw you with your friend. There are a few times in your life when you see someone who just stops you in your tracks and you have to stop and collect yourself as you are just in awe. I was with my boy and just didnt know what to say at the moment other than to stare. If you noticed me as well, which I think you might have.. What was I wearing that made me stand out from the crowd?
You picked out my beer in walmart for me – 23 (hermitage) Thank you for choosing mikes hard pomegranate lemonade. it was yummy!
I took you home and you stole my credit card – m4w (Nashville) a cop made me take a breathalyzer test last night, it would have registered somewhere in the “holy fuck” range. You took advantage of me being dumb and drunk. Let me start from the beginning.
After spending all my money on Jager Bombs and making fun of random people in every bar, I ended up at The Stage and met you there. You stuck out like a sore thumb, probably because you were a lone girl in a country bar. I thought to myself, wow, I’ve never had a girl before and it would be a cool story to tell my friends if I could get laid by her. All I remember is talking to you for about 10 minutes and asking you to come back to my place. That should have been a red flag there.
I didn’t have any cash left, as you peobably stole it from me at one point that I don’t remember, so we had to have the cab driver drive us to a ATM. I took out my card there and was having trouble with the machine, as I was in no shape to be operating machinery. You ended up paying for the ride anyways.
We went back to my place as I was motorboating your boobs on my couch in front of my other roommate. You didn’t seem to mind. We then went into my room and I got naked in 2 seconds. You gave me head for about 15 minutes as I had a case of the whiskey dick. I ended up passing out and waking up naked on my bed with my door wide open. As I stumbled out of my bed in a daze, I tried to recall what happened the night before. As usual, my roomate filled me in with what he remembered and I pieced the rest together.
I was cleaning up and noticed that my wallet was empty and my debit/credit card was gone. I looked everywhere then decided to call my bank. I asked what were my last charges and she said there was two charges totalling $669 dollars at Walmart. My jaw dropped. What kind of bitch does that? I didn’t know that the market for blow jobs inflated to $669 dollars! I hope that your purchases of chicken, cocoa butter and blunt wraps satisfied you. I hope bad things happen to you like getting impregnated by a felon or getting your associate degree from DeVry university. You are a very bad person and I hope that this letter finds you.
