By cold Colin MacIntyre
The Long John Index F.A.Q.
Q: So, what in Daryl Katz’s wallet is the “Long John Index”?
A: The Long John Index is a not scientific whatsoever method of measuring when, and if, one should be wearing a pair of thermal long underwear, known more commonly in the Dominion of Canada as “Long Johns.” The Long John Index originated in the Arctic Capital of Edmonton Alberta, in the second decade of the 21st Century. It is used mainly for edutainment and gambling purposes.
Q: I see, so how does it work?
A: How does what work?
Q: The Long John Thing.
A: You wear them on the lower half of your person.
Q: No I meant the Index
A: You cannot wear an index.
Q: I meant how does the Long John Index work?
A: Oh, well when you put it that way, its really quite simply not simple at all. The Index runs on a scale from 1 to 5; 1 being the lowest, and 5 being the highest. The Index corresponds to weather conditions, including air temperature as well as that Wind Chill, which was invented so people can brag about living through -68 degrees, even though it was really only -31 degrees. The Higher the number ( or rating if you will ) the more your very survival depends on wearing a pair of Long Johns.
The Long John Index ratings are as follows:
1 – Low/Wimpy - Temperatures between 0 and – 10 degrees Celsius, No Windchill
Long Johns shouldn’t be needed, unless one is spending 7+ hours outside with no toque and standing so still they might be mistaken for one of those creepy living mannequins. Any movement will generate enough body heat to not need Long Johns. Hell, blinking will generate enough body heat to keep you warm. If you are wearing them at this temperature, hang your head in shame, and go back to Vancouver.
2- Moderate – Temperature between 0 and – 10, with measurable Wind chill
Long Johns probably a good idea if you are spending more than an hour or so outdoors. You shouldn’t need them for short commutes or jaywalking. Probably best to start diggin’ ‘em out of the ol’ underpants drawer, as if it gets any colder, you’ll need em!
3 – High – Temperature between -10 and – 20.
Long Johns should be worn for being outdoors for anything more than half-an-hour. You may also want to look into some for your pets. And, if it gets any colder, you may start sleeping in these things, so best to get a backup pair.
4 – Crazy High – Temperature between – 20 and – 30.
Long Johns should be worn if you are outdoors for more than 10 minutes. It’s bleeping cold. If you aren’t wearing any, you’ll get that freezing, yet for some reason burning, sensation on your upper thighs. That’s your thigh’s way of freaking out wondering why it’s so cold. Your thighs hate you right now.
5 – Effin Nuts – Temperatures of – 30 and worse – Windchill no longer matters
Long Johns should be worn INDOORS. Don’t even bother going outdoors. Don’t even look at the outdoors, unless you have Long Johns for your eyes. It’s that cold. Just grab some comic books and some hot chocolate and go back to bed. When it’s nice out, someone will tell you.
Q: So does this index apply only to Edmonton? Can it be used in other cities?
This is basically how Colin dresses all winter.
A: Absolutely, though make sure you differentiate between cities! Make sure you tell people at the bus stop or train station “Wow, it’s a Winnipeg Long John Index of 3 today.” Adding the city or town name will make you look slightly less crazy.
Q: One last question: Are Long Johns appropriate attire for social occasions?
A: Only after Long John Index of 4. By that point, everyone is too cold to care what anyone is wearing. Most humans will be wearing combinations of blankets, sweaters, Bunnyhugs, mitts, toques, Olympic Mittens and more blankets.
Q: Waitasecond, did you say the Long John Index was about gambling?
A: Absolutely. You can take bets on what the Index will be set at every day. There are big money games all over the place. Long John Index wagering is very popular.
Q: You’re nuts.
A: Hey, it’s Winter in Edmonton. You gotta do somethin’!
Colin MacIntyre cannot see out of his window right now because it’s covered in ice. You can listen to him ramble about other nonsense on CJSR’s “Makin Whoopee”, Tuesday mornings from 7am to 9am on 88.5 fm in Edmonton, or online at www.makinwhoopee.ca. You can also follow him on the twitterz.
I’d like to know how you obtained that photo of me.
Did you say Bunnyhugs? You just made my ever-Saskatchewan-loving day.
Colin, the Internets knows all.
Leah, that’s all Colin because I don’t know what that is.
Bunnyhugs! I grew up calling them bunnyhugs and when I got to school kids said I was weird.
That photo of Colin was clearly taken during his visit to the set of “M*A*S*H”. Were they later autographed by ‘Hot Lips’ Houlihan herself?!?
Bunnyhugs? Are you sure this isn’t the Regina Long Jon Index?
I could just search this on the Internet, but I’d rather one of you told me what Bunnyhugs are.
Bunnyhug = Hoodie.
The word is used almost exclusively by Saskatchewaners.
Because Saskatchewaners are awesome and so are Bunnyhugs. You should probably also know that chocolate milk is Vi-Co, or at least is was when I was growing up. And, if you ever end up in Prince Albert, don’t worry if you can’t understand anything anyone says. They’ve got their own dialect (e.g. “You’re hardly poor then anyways, cuz.”).
I smell a future column….
I’ve been wanting to write a “Complete Guide to Prince Albertese” for ages. I think I feel a project coming on…
But WHY is it called a bunnyhug? Do people try to put hoodies on rabbits?
I am so confused by regional variances.
Nobody said it made sense, Jeff. I’ve also heard them called kangaroo jackets (more of an Ontario thing, I think). This, at least, makes some sense, since most hoodies have a pouch.
I’m from Ontario and don’t call it a Kangaroo Jacket. Canadian dialects makes my head hurt.
But are you from the Ottawa Valley? Because, they way I see it, there are two possibilities:
1. It’s a valley thing;
2. My family MADE IT UP and I just assumed it was an Ontario thing since that’s where my parents are both from, originally.
I am not from the O-Valley, so it would be one of those two things.
At least we can all agree they are called long johns. :)
In that case, I’m going to pretend that it is an Ottawa valley thing, because it makes me feel more secure than the thought that my parents just made shit up.
I’ve heard “Kangaroo Jacket,” so I don’t think your parents made it up, Adam. Bunnyhug makes no sense, but it’s fun and easy to say, don’t you think?