Gregg’s Sci-Fi Touch

By Gregg Beever

Hold on to your mutant pantaloons, this weekend the X-Men are back, and  Brett “Rush Hour” Ratner has been expelled from Professor Xavier’s school.

After two successful films, a forgettable third installment and one abysmal spin-off, 20th Century Fox turned to Matthew Vaughn (Kick-Ass) to breath life back into its super-hero ensemble. Strong leads in James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender were cast, while writers Ashley Miller and Zach Stentz (from the under-appreciated Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles) round out a screenplay team that also includes Jane Goldman, who co-wrote Kick-Ass with Vaughn.

With that level of talent it is not surprising X-Men: First Class is being met with stellar reviews, likely handing Marvel two hit movies in as many months. Should Captain America also set boxes offices a blaze it will be an unprecedented blockbuster hat-trick for the comic book publisher. 

The Green CG Suit

But Marvel isn’t the only studio releasing a comic book property this month, DC’s The Green Lantern hits theaters June 17th. Since trailers started to appear online, reaction to director Martin Campbell’s (Casino Royal, No Escape) green hero have been largely negative. Concerns have mostly centered on the films special effects because, in many of the films trailers, the effects have looked decidedly not-so-special. Numerous reports claim effects teams have been having an extremely difficult time with Ryan Reynolds’ fully CG suit.

The decision to create the suit entirely in post production may haunt Campbell. CG heavy movies can live or die on the quality of the animation. Since the days of Jurassic Park audiences have been spoiled with beautiful and believable computer effects, meaning we can spot poor graphics quite easily and they can rip us right out of the film. Having your audience laugh their way through every effects shot, as we did during Wolverine, is not ideal. At this point Green Lantern looks to be on very shaky ground.

Touch Yourself

There is one more reason to have a nerdgasm in the month of June, as Michael Bay rolls out the last of his Transformer films in Dark of the Moon (June 29th). The early buzz is that TF3 has greatly improved on the previous sequel, which is kind of like saying “our new and improved mountain bikes now include a chain and pedals.” Still, the 8-year-old in me is full of hope that this time Bay and Shia LaDouche (bet I’m the first one to make that joke!) get it right.

The logic center of my brain, however, knows better. While TF3 may be a better film than either of its predecessors, that does not mean it will be a better “Transformers” movie. Let me explain.

This is “The Touch,” recorded by Stan Bush, a wicked 80′s power ballad featured in the original Transformers animated movie back in 1986. When word broke there was going to be a live action Transformers film there were two things we nerds really wanted. First, we wanted Peter Cullen to reprise the roll of Optimus Prime, which we got. Second, nerds really wanted to hear “The Touch” again, which we did not get.

By the second film someone somewhere at Paramount had recognized the fans love for the song. A decision was made not only to re-record the original tune, but get the man himself, Stan Bush, to record it. Awesome, right? Finally, a signal that someone at corporate understood Transformer fans.

Well, not exactly.

What could have been a love letter to fans turned out to be a sloppy, forgettable shit burger of a rap-rock song. Michael Bay has such a boner to Linkin Park I wouldn’t be surprised to find out he spearheaded the “let’s turn that 80’s song into a Linkin Park song, but way shittier!” movement.

So while both Bay and Paramount may have recognized the nostalgic value of “The Touch,” they completely misunderstood what nerds loved about it. It was the synthesizers, the cheesy feel-good lyrics and the powerfully over-the-top way Stan sang them.

The Touch remake is a microcosm of the Transformer movies themselves. Everyone involved with the films, from Señor Spielbergo on down, completely misunderstood what made Transformers cool and interesting. The movies are about a teenager’s first car, military secrets, and sweaty hot chicks leaning over Camaro hoods. And not at all about transforming robots. In fact, Optimus Prime isn’t even a main character. He’s a secondary, or tertiary character at best, who, through two full feature-length films, has barely been on screen.

So while the buzz is that Transformers 3 is a better film, I highly doubt the focus will be on the correct characters and we will get a better “Transformers” film.

And the rest…

I’ve covered three science fiction films so far, but if you aren’t into sci-fi, don’t worry, because Super 8 premieres on June 10th. In Super 8 a group of kids are filming a homemade movie when a train containing a captured extra-terrestrial derails and…oh, wait, nevermind. Well, you could alway go see Bad Teacher (June 24th) or Cars 2 (June 24th), I guess.

I’ve heard many comparisons of Super 8 to Goonies, so I’m very excited for J.J. Abrams latest lens-flaretastic sci-fi romp!

And finally, Jim Carrey is still doing movies. Mr. Popper’s Penguins opens June 17th, for those of you who like over-acting and computer animated dancing penguins.

And with that, I’m off. Have a good weekend Edmonton!