The Semen, err, we mean The Switch
A movie review by Gregg Beever
The Switch tells a story each of us, I think, can relate to. We’ve all been there, accidentally spilling a hopeful single mom’s donor semen and replacing it with our own so no one is the wiser. If I had a quarter for every replacement-semen-baby I’ve got, let me tell you, that’s a lot of quarters.
Supplying the semen for this film is Jason Bateman as Wally Mars, the quick-witted, awkward best friend of Kassie Larson (Jennifer Aniston). No longer willing to wait through the standards steps of baby-making, Kassie jumps all those pesky relationship hurdles, opting for artificial insemination.
When a drunk Wally exchanges Kassie’s bottled baby-gravy for a load of his own, the premise is on. Seven years later, his best friend moves back to New York, and Wally begins to realizes he hijacked Kassie’s pregnancy and little Sebastian is his son. (more…)
Gregg vs. Sally: The Expendables
Earlier this summer, our resident movie expert Gregg Beever took one for the team and accompanied me to a screening of Sex and the City 2. He’s since been crouched in the shadows, waiting for the perfect movie that would allow him to exact his revenge on me.
Which is how I wound up at The Expendables last Saturday. What follows is our review of the film, as conducted via Facebook Chat.
Sally: okey doke. so. the expendables. this was my payback for making you endure sex and the city 2.
Gregg: It was basically the polar opposite of Sex and the City 2.
Sally: gender wise, i agree. in terms of being awful, i’d say they’re cut from the same cloth.
Gregg: Can’t argue that…although it was easier watching Expendables as my lust for explosions and needless gore were being pandered to.
Sally: i will say that steve austin was a triumph!
Gregg: If they handed out Oscars for best former wrestler to marginally handle four lines of dialogue, he would certainly get my vote.
Sally: ha ha, i wonder who else would be nominated in that category.
Gregg: Stallone, for having the balls run a bridge at age sixty. “Running” is probably not the term.
Sally: wobbling?
Gregg: Waddling briskly? Shuffling, maybe
Gregg’s Summer Movie Spectacular
(Editor’s note: It’s a “spectacular” because he talks a lot.)
By Gregg Beever
Celebrity gossip is not an indulgence I concern myself with. I’m not going to claim some bullshit, altruistic “I’m above gossip” from my throne, high atop Mt. Pretentious, because I admit enjoying the odd Lindsay Lohan train wreck article.
But, generally, I just don’t pay much attention; so when Mel Gibson had a chauvinistic, racist melt down, I was oblivious. My friends were shocked when I looked confused while they laughed and screaming “I DESERVE TO BE BLOWN FIRST!”
Do you figure ole’ Melly slipped into a big comformable pair of hate-speech boots over time, or was he always an insanely jealous, controlling sociopath?
We may never know…or care.
I was joking with Jeff and Sally a while back that I basically use each movie preview to talk about whatever cinematic topic I feel like. This month I thought I’d try speaking more directly to each film. Starting with… (more…)
Aftermath – Bad Movie Challenge #1: Battlefield Earth
Alright, we’re not quite sure why but, we want you to tell us your worst Battlefield Earth story.
Maybe this movie ruined your night, your date, your life. Let’s talk about how terrible it is.
We’re not going to be fair and balanced about this. Battlefield Earth is too long, too boring, too dumb to even try and defend.
I watched it, a few weeks back, with Sally and Gregg Beever. After trying to use witchcraft to get my two-and-a-half hours back, I gave up and talked about it with them.
I think talking about it helps.
Here are 10 things we learned by watching this masterpiece of crap:
10) Everything in the future is on a 45 degree angle (Sally)
9) No matter where you are in the universe, or how powerful your species may be, bureaucracy and middle management can always sink your ship. (Jeff)
8) Training a neanderthal to pilot an F-15 fighter jet takes no more than two hours in a flight simulator. (Gregg)
7) When designing costumes for movie, the best way to convey the superiority of one character over another is by giving them a comically oversized codpiece. (S)
6) Even the most talented of actors, in this case John Travolta and Forest Whitaker, cannot save clunky, ham-handed dialogue written by an eight-year-old with a learning disability. (G)
5) Humans will retain a lot of things, such as cliches and metaphors, but basic geometry will not survive in a post-apocalyptic world. (J)
4) Baby Psychlos really love their Kerbango. (S)
3) In the forthcoming battle for Earth, language skills and vocabulary mean nothing. There’s just going to be a super computer that can inject your mind with knowledge in a matter of moments. We’ll call it “The Learning Machine.” (S)
2) The City of Denver will eventually play a surpringly large role in saving mankind. (S)
1) Battlefield Earth’s legacy is a monumental achievement in filmmaking: despite a horrendous script and a witless director, somehow a film crew can still manage to do the job. No one walked out on the film! The actors, set designers, lighting crews and caterers all stuck with it, even when it was clear they were working on an enormous piece of garbage. (G)
OK. Now it’s your turn to share.
the edmontonian’s Bad Movie Challenge #1: Battlefield Earth
Last year, Jeff and I had our first ever bad movie party. It was a screening of Tommy Wiseau’s “The Room,” inspired by one of our favorite non-local blogs, and we had a bunch of people over to sit around and make smart remarks at the TV. It was one of the best parties I’ve ever hosted, and one of the only ones that didn’t end in me rolling around on the floor with a plant in my pants, declaring myself “The Grubermeister.”
But that is a tale for another time.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that Jeff and I were NOT, in fact, party geniuses – and that lots of people gather to do this on a regular basis. The Turkey Shoot guys have been doing it far longer than we have (and better, I might add). And most recently, I found out that our friend and contributor Gregg Beever hosts similar parties at his abode.
Since Gregg is one of the funniest people in the world to watch terrible movies with, Jeff and I had an idea.
The three of us could watch a terrible movie. And then we would challenge you guys to watch it as well.
Then, instead of your standard movie review, we could all have a chance to skewer it in the comments.
So here’s our first Bad Movie Challenge: you guys have seven days to get your hands on “Battlefield Earth.” Jeff, Gregg and I will get the conversation started with our notes on the movie – but what we really want is to hear what you guys think.
Gauntlet: thrown.
Sunny Summer Movies (But still sassy)
Good News Edmontonianites, Jeff has given the go ahead for me to bring the movie thunder each and every month! That’s twelve times a year by my count!
As promised I’ve included the directors, actors as well as writers of each film to go along with my musings.
If you have any suggestions on how to make the Edmontonian’s monthly movie preview better, or if you just think I’m sexy, leave a comment.
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The Last Airbender – July 2nd
Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Writer: M. Night Shyamalan
Starring: Noah Ringer, Jackson Rathbone, Nicola Peltz
It is getting tough to remember when last M. Night Shyamalan directed a movie not riddled with plot holes, or suffering a completely ridiculous concept.
Those who had the misfortune of watching The Happening know all about Shyamalan and misguided concepts. Thrill as Marky Mark runs way from the wind! The leaves are rustling slightly! Flee! Flee!
Perhaps fond memories of M. Night Shyamalan remain with me after all these years, because I still get a little excited about his projects. After all, The Sixth Sense was great, right? Sooner or later he’s got to turn in another Unbreakable, right?
Don’t hold my breath?
Potential for Awesome?
The Last Airbender certainly looks pretty. The trailer shows off a fantastic live-action translation of the anime-inspired battles seen in the original animated series, which leaves me at least hopeful. But that’s all; hopeful.
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Predators – July 9th
Director: Nimród Antal
Writers: Alex Litvak, Michael Finch
Starring: Adrien Brody, Topher Grace, Danny Trejo, Laurence Fishburne, Walton Goggins, Alice Braga
Unlike the Alien movies, the Predator hasn’t suffered from a severe case of too-many-sequels. You could argue the Alien vs. Predator films count as poorly constructed follow-ups, but they are more like bad spin-offs, or direct to DVD sequels.
While I don’t mind reboots or re-imaginings of old franchises, these movies are tough to pull off; just ask the creative teams behind the remakes of Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street.
It is especially difficult in the sci-fi genre. We nerds are extremely critical, and if your film does not equal the awe and inspiration of the original we will tear your movie to pieces.
Somehow Predators has to live up to everything that made the original a success.
But how could it?
Really, your first experience has the wonder of a new story, the first instant you fall in love with the characters, that will always be the most compelling time. No retelling is going to live up to that initial experience. Directors can only look to turn an old story on it’s head to find some of that wonder and magic again; the way J. J. Abrams did with Star Trek.
Potential for Awesome?
Has Nimród Antal found a way to turn the Predator on it’s head? Predators certainly has a strong cast, and the story is spun a bit and set on the Predator’s home world, which at the very least has got my attention.
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Despicable Me – July 9th
Directors: Pierre Coffin, Chris Renaud
Writers: Ken Daurio, Sergio Pablos, Cinco Paul
Starring: Russell Brand, Jason Segel, Steve Carell, Will Arnett, Ken Jeong, Kirsten Wiig
I’m not sure when it became necessary for a movie to have 4 official trailers, but Despicable Me has at least that many, not counting “featurettes.”
Movie trailers follow a pattern, first is the “teaser” which is usually quite short and often uses footage not found in the final cut. I’m not sure when the teaser became standard advertising practice, but the earliest example I can remember is the misguided remake of Godzilla way, way back in 1998. Remember? There was some dopey museum guide giving children a dinosaur exhibit tour when suddenly Godzilla’s foot crashes down from the roof, crushing the bones of a T-rex.
The teaser is followed by the first official trailer, which includes footage from the film, but reveals almost nothing about the plot. Plot details are handled by the third trailer, by which time you are starting to think maybe you have seen too much and the movie feels somewhat spoiled. The fourth trailer completely spoils the film and you have lost all interest in seeing it.
Potential for Awesome?
Where was I? Oh yes, Despicable Me. It looks funny, has a sharp cast and I have yet to see a bad Jason Segel flick; should be worth the admission.
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The Sorcerer’s Apprentice – July 14th
Director: Jon Turteltaub
Writers: Doug Miro, Carlo Bernard, Matt Lopez
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Jay Baruchel, Teresa Palmer, Monica Bellucci, Alfred Molina
Do I classify this film as a remake, retelling, or just a movie based on a poem?
Disney has had major success with odd-ball properties, building a movie franchise out of a theme park ride, for example. Disney goes back to the well (sort of) with the Sorcerer’s Apprentice, hoping to score, once again, off the German poem of the same name. This time we get Nicolas Cage instead of Mickey Mouse.
Potential for Awesome?
If we use Rotten Tomatoes as a Nicolas Cage barometer we find his movies over the last five years average out to a score of 44.8%. We can the infer that the chances of enjoying his newest opus are about 50/50. Of course, the only Nic Cage movie since 2006 to receive a rating higher than 50% was Kick-Ass at 76%, so I’d say your chances of enjoyment are more like one in five.
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Inception – July 16th
Director: Christopher Nolan
Writer: Christopher Nolan
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Ken Watanabe
At this point you might be thinking “Hey, Gregg, all you do is fecally deposit all over every movie before I see it…so…stop it!” Well, good news, cause I’ll deposit nothing but high praise for the latest work from the Dark Knight mastermind.
Inception has a strong cast full of actors I dig in Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, and, of course Leo. Couple acting talent with an imaginative, sci-fi screen play and I say “here’s my money Mr. Nolan!”
Quick point of interest; does anyone remember the days when teenage girls swooned over Leo like they swoon over the crooked face of Robert Pattison today?
Potential for Awesome?
Inception will be fun and thought provoking, count on it.
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Salt – July 23th
Director: Phillip Noyce
Writer: Kurt Wimmer
Starring: Angelina Jolie, Liev Schreiber, Chiwetel Ejiofor
Angelina Jolie plays Evelyn Salt, a loyal CIA officer who is accused of being a Russian Spy planning to assassinate the president of the United States. Salt is on the run to clear her name, blah, blah, blah…
All you need to know is that Chiwetel Ejiofor, the brilliant villain from Joss Whedon’s Serenity, is in this film. That should be enough to get you in the seats.
Potential for Awesome?
In case you think I’m over selling Ejiofor, which is certainly possible, writer Kurt Wimmer also wrote The Thomas Crown Affair and the bizarre Equilibrium. Those aren’t stellar films, but certainly movies worth a watch, as Salt will likely be.
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Valhalla Rising – July 23th
Director: Nicolas Winding Refn
Writers: Roy Jacobsen, Nicolas Winding Refn
Starring: Mads Mikkelsen
Valhalla Rising tells the story of One Eye, a mute warrior of “supernatural strength” according to IMDB. Imprisoned by a Norse chieftain, One Eye violently escapes with the help of a young boy and the two soon find themselves on a Viking vessel headed for strange, unknown lands.
Potential for Awesome?
It doesn’t take much more than blood soaked swords to get my ass in the theater. I sat through Robin Hood; case in point. Also, Valhalla Rising was filmed entirely in Scotland. Having fallen in love with the country during my European excursion three years ago, I am even more intrigued.
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Dinner for Schmucks – July 23th
Director: Jay Roach
Writers: David Guion, Michael Handelman
Starring: Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, Jemaine Clement, Zach Galifianakis, Larry Wilmore, Stephanie Szostak
I love the versatility of Steve Carell, who played the lovable shmuck in 40 Year Old Virgin, the schmuck spy in Get Smart, the schmuck boss in the Office…okay, you see what I’m getting at.
I guess there’s no point in any guess work when it comes to a Steve Carell film, you might as well just call it Shmucks.
Potential for Awesome?
Let’s see If I can guess the plot to this movie. Paul Rudd meets Steve Carell and thinks he is an awkward boob. Rudd decides to take advantage of Carell for personal gain, but along the way discovers what a great guy he is underneath his annoying, socially inept exterior. In the end the two become best of friends.
Oh, and there is probably also a subplot involving Steve Carell inadvertently ruining Paul Rudd’s relationship with his girlfriend/wife.
Let me know how I did.
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SHOWING AT THE GARNEAU/PRINCESS IN JULY
Cyrus – July 9th – Garneau
Directors: Jay Duplass, Mark Duplass
Writers: Jay Duplass, Mark Duplass
Starring: John C. Reilly, Jonah Hill, Marisa Tomei, Catherine Keener
Gregg says: Marisa Tomei? I’m there!
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The Girl Who Played with Fire – July 9th – Princess
Directors: Daniel Alfredson
Writer: Jonas Frykberg, Stieg Larsson
Starring: Noomi Rapace, Michael Nyqvist
Gregg says: This Swedish film about sex trafficking looks all kinds of disturbing.
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Solitary Man – July 23rd – Garneau/Princess (can’t confirm which)
Directors: Brian Koppelman, David Levien
Writer: Brian Koppelman
Starring: Michael Douglas, Susan Sarandon, Danny DeVito, Mary-Louise Parker, Jenna Fischer
Gregg says: I dig Michael Douglas as the lovable asshole.
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Gregg Beever is indeed going to be telling you all about the movies coming out each month. And he still owes Sally some payback for that whole Sex and the City 2 thing.
Even Sassier Summer Movies
Hey Edmonton, Gregg back again with your continued guide to the 2010 summer movie season. I decided it might be a smart idea to let you know the date these films are released this time. Next time I’ll also remember to list the director and who is starring, but I’m too lazy for that right now. Enjoy!
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Splice – June 4th
I loved Zach Snyder’s remake of Dawn of the Dead, brilliantly brutal, and starred Canadian actress Sarah Polley, who turned in a great performance as the vulnerable alpha-female, Ana.
This summer Polley stars along-side another of my favourite performers; Adrien Brody (The Jacket, anyone?). Together they splice a dog with a gnat, or something, and genetic terror ensues.
Honestly, the lab-baby featured in Splice is one of the most uncomfortably creepy monsters I’ve scene on film. I think it’s the lipstick and eyeshadow; just weirds me out.
Potential for Awesome:
Take that lipstick off! You look like a whore!
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Killers – June 4th
Oh gods.
Determining which movies are unworthy of your hard earned dollars is not a difficult task. First ask yourself “Is it a romantic comedy?” If the answer is yes, don’t spend your money; or at least wait until you can rent it.
Okay, maybe you don’t agree good romantic comedies are as rare as a Virgin Marry appearance on toast, but at least read the badly written synopsis before you decide to waste a trip to the theater.
Here is the actual Lionsgate synopsis for Killers:
“Trying to recover from a sudden break-up, Jen Kornfeldt (Katherine Heigl) believes she’ll never fall in love again [Oh no! It’s so tragic and sad!]. But when she reluctantly joins her parents on a trip to the French Riviera, Jen happens to meet the man of her dreams [barf], the dashing [nope], handsome [definitely not] Spencer Aimes (Ashton Kutcher). Three years later, her seemingly impossible wish has come true: she and Spencer are newlyweds living the ideal suburban life [Such a rare, impossible thing to get married and live in suburbia] – that is, until the morning after Spencer’s 30th birthday when bullets start flying. Literally. [What would be happening for bullets to be flying figuratively?]”
Potential for Awesome:
One ironic farmer hat our of Five.
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Get Him to the Greek – June 4th
In an unlikely spin-off, Russell Brand returns to the role of Forgetting Sarah Marshall’s Aldous Snow. Playing the likable asshole suites Brand, whom I’m guessing isn’t straying too far from his actual personality here.
There was some internal debate amongst my friends as to whether Jonah Hill was reprising his desperate musician/waiter character from Forgetting Sarah Marshall or if he was simply playing a whole new character. The answer is, if you care, Hill plays an entirely new character named Aaron Greenberg.
I’ve read early reviews that say the show stealer in this film is actually Sean Combs. P. Diddy himself comes out of nowhere and puts on a comedy clinic, who knew?
Potential for Awesome:
One delicious serving of Saganaki!
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Marmaduke – June 4th
Everyone loves talking dogs!
Pass.
Potential for Awesome:
None.
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A-Team – June 11th
At this point brainstorming in Hollywood must go something like “What else was popular in the 80’s? Didn’t people play Battleship in the 80’s? Yeah, make a movie about Battleship.”
Not surprisingly, the series that made Mr. T a pop-culture phenomenon has passed through the Hollywood recycler for a surely brief nostalgic revival. The modern makeover of the A-Team includes Bradley Cooper, Liam Neeson, Quinton Jackson and District 9’s Sharlto Copley, who at least gives me one reason to watch it.
However, if you love explosions, prepare to have your meaty brain tickled with physically implausible fancy!
Potential for Awesome:
3 out of 5 pitied fools
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The Karate Kid – June 11th
Continuing the rampage through 80s properties we get a new Karate Kid. Reaction to this film is tepid at best, with most movie goers feeling a remake is completely unnecessary. Understandable, considering the last Karate Kid attempted without Ralph Macchio was quite forgettable; how many remember Hilary Swank and praying mantis style?
The new film isn’t even about karate. When word broke Will Smith was producing a Karate Kid starring his son Jaden and Jackie Chan there was some title confusion. Jackie was quoted claiming the movie would be called “The Kung Fu Kid,” a far more appropriate title considering the film is set in China and the plot has Jackie teaching Jaden kung fu, a Chinese discipline, not karate.
But “The Kung Fu Kid” is not an established, bankable franchise, so “The Karate Kid” it is.
Despite its problems, I liked that the remake was set entirely in China, and that Jackie Chan was getting a turn as the Mr. Miyagi-type mentor, there was some potential there. That was until I found out the director, Harald Zwart, was also at the helm for such hits as Pink Panther 2 and Agent Cody Banks.
Potential for Awesome:
All the potential of a modern Steve Martin movie.
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Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work – June 11th
(I’m not sure if or when this will hit Edmonton, June 11th is the US release date)
Sympathy is not easily earned by celebrities, nor is respect. For an aging comedian well past her prime, continuing to work in an industry notorious for chewing and spitting performers, every day must feel like an uphill battle.
Joan Rivers, who’s face looks as though it is used to grow and cultivate Botox, has become the ass end of a punchline in the twilight of her storied career. Once mentored by Johnny Carson, Rivers has been reduced to doing anything for work. “I’ll wear a diaper” she says in the trailer.
A Piece of Work documents a year in her life struggling to maintain her career.
Potential for Awesome:
3 bad menstruation jokes out of 5
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The Mormon Proposition – June 18th
(Again, US release)
Proposition 8 swiftly cut the right to marry for hundreds of thousands Californian homosexuals in November of 2008. The Mormon Proposition examines the role the Mormon church played in tabling the proposition and its eventual passing, thus making for a very angry Sulu. Full power to the gaysers!
Okay, that was lame. That paragraph looked boring, that’s all I got to punch it up. I’M NOT YOUR DAMNED MONKEY!
Anyway, I hardly need another reminder of the active role organized religion plays in the stunting of social progress, but this particular documentary looks too terrifying to pass up.
Potential for Awesome:
Sensors are detecting gayma radiation captain…sorry.
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Toy Story 3 – June 18th
While we’re making gay puns, Woody’s back!
I suspect this will be the last in the Toy Story series. Or at least it should be. The reason for making any sequel is that there is still a story left to tell. In the case of Toy Story 3, Woody and Buzz struggle after being given away when Andy leaves for college, concluding the series where the story for any toy naturally ends.
Pixar is a remarkably consistent studio, producing a dizzying array of memorable films, so I trust them not to go for the cash grab with a Toy Story 4.
Then again, Cars 2 and Monsters Inc. 2 are on the way…sigh…
Potential for Awesome:
10 out of 10. What can I say, I’m a sucker for Pixar movies.
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Jonah Hex – June 18th
Who the cuss is Jonah Hex? Don’t worry, until film blogs came alive with the news of Josh Brolin playing the character I had no idea either. As Hollywood continues to excavate the comic book mine, the heroes unearthed to take the silver screen will become more obscure. Ant-man, for example, a super hero the size of an ant. Riveting.
In fairness to Jonah, he has been around a long while, the character was created in 1971. Billed as a western anti-hero, Hex has no super powers to speak of, save his deadly aim with a pistol. Basically he’s just a badass bounty hunter.
That wasn’t good enough for the studio, of course, who have anointed Jonah with supernatural powers. In the trailer he appears to bring a man back from the dead, which likely sent comic geeks leaping to their keyboard to register their disgust.
But all is not lost, Megan Fox is the leading lady, which is bound to attract the lusting male ticket dollar. Why do you suppose Transformers made 300 million dollars? It certainly had nothing to do with good story telling or adept direction. (hint: the secret is titties and explosions)
Potential for Awesome:
Three sticky Maxim magazines out of Five
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Grown Ups – June 25th
Doctors announced this morning that Adam Sandler’s career laboured on life-support for much of the past decade, but finally succumbed to a family comedy. Sandler’s family issued a statement saying his career died peacefully and in the company of friends David Spade and Rob Schneider. Doctors place the time of death at June 25th, 2010.
Grown Ups is rated PG-13, so technically it isn’t a family comedy, but the trailer sure feels like one. This movie could be like Adam Sandler’s Parenthood. Except Parenthood was good, and Grown Ups will be terrible.
Potential for Awesome:
Hopefully another war of words between Roger Ebert and Schneider will break out. Otherwise, zero.
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Knight and Day – June 25th
Tom Cruise plays a quirky secret agent/spy gone rogue, who gets the unwilling Cameron Diaz involved in a deadly game of lies and betrayal. Diaz must decide if Tom is trust worthy or crazy…in the movie. Otherwise the choice is simple, he’s crazy.
I feel guilty when I want to see a Tom Cruise movie now. I try to convince myself I won’t watch Knight and Day on account of Cruise being a reckless Scientology zealot, but I can’t help myself. The man may be a certified loon, but damn if he isn’t compelling on the silver screen.
Potential for Awesome:
1106 on the E-meter
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The Twilight Saga: Eclipse – June 30th
Lip biting and gay vampires, what else can I say other than “No, Sally, we are not going to go watch Twilight.”
Potential for Awesome:
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Gregg Beever is the edmontonian’s Sarcasm Bureau Chief. He’s also lucky Sally has no interest in seeing anything Twilight related.
Sex and the City: Beever Party
Ladies and gentlemen, you know Gregg Beever as our resident dating expert. Or maybe from our recent trip to Funkytown. Or possibly from his ardently anti-Cafe Mosaic stance. But we know and love Gregg as our summer movie guy! As well as the guy who is up for anything! He’s quite the swinger, that Gregg Beever (t-shirt coming soon)!
Which is why I asked him to go see Sex and the City 2 with me. I cannot fairly review this movie, because I have been such a devoted fan of the show for so long. All I knew about it going in was that some, likely, contrived plot device would lead our ladies to Abu Dhabi, and I still wanted to see it. So I needed a voice of reason to go check out the sequel with me.
As far as hetero, sci-fi enthusiasts go, Gregg is pretty much as even-handed and open-minded as they come. He’s man enough to watch a lady movie, in public! And to get cosmos at Ricky’s All Day Grill in City Centre with me beforehand!
But then things sort of fell apart. I’ve been really sick for the last two weeks, so Gregg showed up to find me with a wet barking cough and a cold medicine hangover. And they were out of triple sec at Ricky’s, so we had to settle for cranberry juice in martini glasses. It should’ve been a sign of things to come!
I would like to take a moment to bust out a few spoilers so that I might tell you about some of the plot points that Gregg endured like a champ!):
- The SATC ladies’ karaoke performance of “I Am Woman”
- Liza Minelli in hot pants
- About a million menopause jokes
- Repeated extreme closeups of guys’ junk
So regardless of our opinions of the movie, a very big round of applause for Gregg, who will truly do whatever it takes to keep you guys entertained.
What follows is our review of the film, which we completed via facebook chat.
Going back into The Room
Turkey Shoot is bringing it back.
Missing this movie will TEAR YOU APART!
I’m talking about The Room, of course.
We love that crazy movie around these parts, and any chance to talk about we are going to jump all over it like a fumbled football in a game of tuxedo football.
All that football and tuxedo stuff not making sense to you? It will. Once you come to Metro Cinema tonight and see The Room.
It will change your life.
That you’ll be in a theatre with all your new friends and the Turkey Shoot boys only makes it better.
What’s Turkey Shoot? Also something that makes life better.
Dave and Jeff (not me) sit down in front, with microphones, and zing the hell out of awful movies. It’s a live Mystery Science Theatre 3000 here in Edmonton.
The Room is so bad there isn’t enough time for all the zingers, and observation of terrible movie-making, so the Turkey Shooters encourage live-tweeting during the event to allow for maximum hilarity.
When Dave isn’t dressing up as Zardoz (the movie Turkey Shoot screened Wednesday night) he’s talking to me about The Room. Well, he’s doing a lot of other things in his life too, but right now he’s talking with me.
We, here at the edmontonian, can not get enough of this movie.
“If we get a decent turnout for this Thursday, we’re hoping we can run THE ROOM as a regular monthly event starting in the fall. And if that happens (holding breath) we will bring Tommy himself to E-Town to host the film himself. Which will be quite brilliant.”
Brilliant doesn’t begin to describe it. I’ve mentioned before that screening The Room put Edmonton into great company, with cities such as Los Angeles and New York. Having T-Wise come to Edmonton would really make us world-class.
As for why the Turkey Shoot guys would subject Edmonton to the agony of this movie again…Dave writes: “It just gets better and better with repeat showings. And THE ROOM has to be experienced with a group of people to be truly appreciated. Part of the fun is bringing people who haven’t seen it and watching their reactions. Like Two Girls, One Cup, but without the girls and the cup :)
Tonight I think you should be following @Turkey_Shoot on Twitter. And watch for folks like me to be live-tweeting the greatest movie of our generation. Follow the hashtag #turkeyshoot for that fun (No Twitter account required).
Tickets are only available at Metro Cinema tonight. $10, or $8 for students and seniors.
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If you’re not going to The Room, I suggest The Sadies and Pack A.D. show at The Starlite (I am REALLY conflicted about missing this) or the Bronze Leaf album release, with dinner, at Rutherford House
The Sassy Summer Movie Spectacular
May Movies – By Gregg Beever
Last week I picked up something called the Edmonton Journal. Have you guys heard of it? It’s some sort of news source printed on paper; how quaint!
Anyway, one of their entertainment journalists wrote a lengthy primer about this summer’s blockbuster movie season.
The article was boring. No sass, no salty language. It needed outrageous opinions and, more importantly, it needed to tell me how, and what, to think about each movie released this summer.
Then I though, “Hey wait! I could tell everyone what to think. That’s way better!”
Read on, fellow Edmontonians, for Part 1 of Gregg’s Summer Movie Primer.
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When you’re hot in Hollywood you are hot. Robert Downey Jr. kicks off the summer blockbuster season as the cocksure Tony Stark in Iron Man 2, continuing his highly bankable rampage through the box office.
Who, at this point, wouldn’t want to see more Downey Jr.?
He instantly takes control of every scene with his magnetic swagger and rugged good looks. Test audience statistics show that 90% of women’s panties blow clean off whenever Mister Junior graces the frame. And why not? Even I would try and grope that sexy man’s ass if he weren’t wearing a giant red and gold chastity suit.
Iron Man 2 boast a strong supporting cast in Mickey Rourke, Don Cheadle, Sam Rockwell, Gwyneth Paltrow and a leather clad Scarlett Johansson. With so much high-end talent, and so many characters to manage there are some concerns director Jon Favreau may have created another Spider-man 3.
But I believe Robert Downey Jr.’s ass can save any film!
Potential for Awesome: 9 sassy, back-talking computers out of 10
Queen Latifah will star in the summer’s first romantic comedy. I like Latifah, she’s a solid actress who comes off as very genuine. It’s nice to see her trusted to carry the female lead in a summer rom-com, particularly because she doesn’t have the absurdly skinny body type typically cast for the part.
Having said that, I’m still not going to see it.
Latifah’s love interest is played by some dude named Common.
Ridiculous names usually mean rappers and, wouldn’t you know it, a quick check on IMDB reveals that Common is indeed such a musician.
Does Common have just the Wright stuff (get it?!) to pull off some romantic movie magic? Let me know, I’ll be in the theater next to it watching Robin Hood.
Potential for Awesome: Zero commons out of sense.
“Making movies, making music and FIGHTING AROUND THE WORLD!”
Russell Crowe is back and reunited with Ridley Scott for Gladiator II: Prince of Thieves.
Since the success of the Dark Knight, tinsel town figures what audiences want are gritty, dark heroes. Ipso facto: a dark and gritty Robin Hood.
Personally, I’m all for it. My greatest frustration with any adapted property from my childhood is they are rarely treated with any degree of seriousness. Instead I’m forced to endure two hours of Shia Labeouf quips and Megan Fox presenting when what I want to see is Optimus Prime struggle as the reluctant warrior.
So if producers believe the road to the bank is paved in heavy adaptions of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Superman, Godzilla, and Robin Hood, I say “Here’s my money!”
Potential for Awesome: Four tug boats out of Five
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I don’t have much to say about what is surely just another bullshit rom-com, except that I’m baffled by the film industry’s sudden fascination with Amanda Seyfried. I know her as one of the bitchy chicks in Mean Girls with questionable acting talent. Now she’s starring in her own summer movie? I don’t get it.
Potential for Awesome: Three Lindsay Lohan meltdowns out of Ten
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Good news and bad news. The bad news is Dreamworks made another Shrek movie, the good news is Community got picked up for a second season. I know the two are unrelated, but I have no idea how to dress up the prospect of another Shrek.
Shrek the Third was surprisingly bad. Somehow the smart, snappy wit that made the series great sank into the swamp. I love you Mike Myers, but your sequels have a nasty habit of rehashing old jokes.
Once a franchise begins to go south recovery is rare and difficult. We all painfully recall the wretched state Joel Schumacher left Batman in. That franchise took eight years and a reboot in an entirely new direction to recover.
Maybe Myers and company manage to pull one out, but I’m not holding my breath.
Potential for Awesome: Two Ogre farts out of Five
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When the announcement came that Universal was producing a MacGruber movie the internet let out a collective “Huh? What?”
Pictures based on Saturday Night Live sketches don’t exactly have a stellar track record, partly because there just isn’t enough substance in a sketch to flesh out into a feature length film. It’s a hurdle that only Dana Carvey and Mike Myers have managed to leap with measured success.
MacGruber must also try to find an audience with a parody of a character who half the target audience will barely remember. At this point Richard Dean Anderson is better known for Stargate than he is MacGyver.
Surprisingly the trailer is solidly hilarious, and we may be in for a surprise as MacGruber looks to buck the trend of the SNL curse. Plus the movie has Kristen Wiig and a pudgy Val Kilmer. I’m sold.
Potential for Awesome: Ten paperclip bombs out of Ten
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Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
A bulked up Jake Gyllenhaal challenges the curse of the horrendous video game adaptation. Very few games have ever been translated into successful films; only Resident Evil has managed to grab decent box office dollars, though I’m unsure why.
However, Jerry Bruckheimer and Disney did manage to turn an amusement park ride into a billion-dollar trilogy, so perhaps the outlook is good for Prince of Persia.
Potential for Awesome: Two broke backs out of a mountain
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I know very little about Sex and the City. When I found out it wasn’t a porno I honestly stopped caring.
What I do know is many husbands and boyfriends will be dragged to the theater to watch Sara Jessica Parker (who would make a great Gargamel in the upcoming Smurfs movie) and that Canadian chick learn about life, love and expensive clothes…again.
The poster for Sex and the City 2 reads “Carrie on.” More like “Carrie Off.” Am I right? High fives, everyone!
Potential for Awesome: Half a Mr. Big
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Gregg Beever’s a busy guy, but don’t you worry Hollywood kids, he’ll have more summer movie spectaculars soon. He just has to go blow up a few things for Michael Bay first.
Hot Tub Time Machine
By Jay Runham
“It must be some kind of… Hot Tub Time Machine.”
This quote, straight from the first 15 minutes of the movie, just about sums it up. Hot Tub Time Machine, starring John Cusack, Rob Corddry, Craig Robinson and Clark Duke, is a no logic required, beer with buddies, R-rated romp. There are some hilarious moments, and a giant pile of 80s jokes. 
Unfortunately, in that pile of jokes is also some one liners that fall flat and a weird mix of comedians.
I love seeing a good comedy with friends. Nothing beats those time when you can sit down with a good group of buddies and watch Anchorman. Even more recently, friends alike all went out to catch one of the best comedies of last year, The Hangover. Everyone loves to laugh, but not everyone laughs at the same thing.
Movies like Anchorman and The Hangover nail this problem by entertaining a variety of audiences through the use of a mix of comedians. Hot Tub Time Machine tries to do this too, however jokes between characters don’t play as well as they could. Fortunately the movie has a few more good parts then bad, just like a good friend.
Ah, the 80s, I hardly knew you. But I got to know you so well in this film. Traveling back to 1986, the stage is set for our players. That stage is riddled with cocaine jokes, Michael Jackson, Crispin Glover, and Chevy Chase (both with excellent cameos throughout the movie).
I wish they had spent more time in the 80s than in 2010. 80s nostalgia and the sweet Hot Tub action (that one is for you Jeff) is what everybody is going to see. Hopefully there’s a lot of extended scenes and features on the DVD of the 80′s because it is easily the best part of the film.
This movie is a good friend. They may have a couple of flaws, be crappy sometimes (like Corddry’s character) but in the end…they’re fun. The movie is entertaining (especially if you like 80s jokes) so grab a beer and invite the friends over when this one comes out on DVD.
3/5
(Editor’s note: I feel like we’ve already talked about Hot Tub Time Machine…I wonder if we’ve opened some kind of wormhole. Or that jacuzzi I partied in last night was actually some kind of…hot tub time machine…)
Hot Tub Time Machine
By Paul Poulsen
Hot Tub Time Machine has a title that you it tells you EXACTLY what to expect in the film. Much like Snakes on a Plane, you know what you’re getting into with Hot Tub Time Machine.
There’s a hot tub and it serves as a time machine. No further explanation necessary.
The question then becomes, “Is the best thing about this film its title?” Surprisingly (to me, anyway) there’s actually a pretty entertaining movie to go along with the snappy name.
The plot isn’t anything horribly original. Three middle-aged friends are stuck in shitty jobs and shitty relationships and decide to relive their glory days by visiting a ski resort where they spent some of the best days of their youth. The main character’s nephew gets dragged along for the ride and acts as the voice of reason throughout their fantastic voyage.
The resort is not what they remember but they decide to make the most of it by getting drunk in the hot tub. When the haze clears the next morning, they slowly come to the realization that they’ve somehow traveled back in time to 1986. The group quickly decides that they must try to perfectly recreate their original experience so that they don’t trigger a butterfly effect that would cause harm to the future. However they’re quickly overcome by the temptation to right past wrongs.
Hilarity ensues.
There are a lot of elements that are reminiscent of Back to the Future. However, the presence of Crispin Glover permits me to think these things were lovingly referenced instead of blatantly ripped off.
There were definitely things I didn’t like. The love interest seemed paper thin and anytime there’s a time travel movie, there are a hundred little plot points that you could nitpick, but at the end of the day there were quite a few laughs and a good little story that focuses on the importance of friendship.
650,000,000 edmontonians out of 1,000,000,000
Hot Tub Time Machine doesn’t open until March 26th but you can get free passes by visiting http://eventful.com/campaigns/hottub/edmonton. I signed up and had my tickets emailed to me within 30 minutes but I’ve heard of other people taking up to 12 hours to get theirs. I went to the City Centre screening and the theatre was only about 70% full.
Edmonton enters The Room
If you come across people today who are giggling to themselves, or staring off like nothing makes sense to them anymore, they may have been at Metro Cinema last night.
You might want to ask them if they were there, in case they aren’t the kind of giggling to themselves person you want to be around.
Yes, last night Edmonton was just like Los Angeles or Toronto or New York. We watched “The Room” on the big screen. That’s what I call “world class.”
What’s “The Room?” Only the greatest B-movie since ever.
It’s a terrible movie, rumoured to have cost $6-million, touted with an everlasting billboard in L.A. by the film’s lead actor/director/producer/writer, Tommy Wiseau. As we heard last night, it’s not known where Wiseau came from, how he got the money, or what his deal is.
He marketed the movie as a serious, emotional drama. It’s pure unintentional hilarity, full of re-used shots, unnecessary footage, plenty of small talk, gratuitous sex scenes (after sex scenes), atrocious acting, and football breaks.
Thanks (BIG THANKS) goes to the guys at Turkey Shoot.
Thanks to Dave and Jeff for a great Turkey Shoot. Sorry for my awful photo.
What’s Turkey Shoot you ask? Only Edmonton’s own Mystery Science Theater 3000.
What’s Mystery Science…oh, forget it here’s a link.
Having experienced The Room previously, I was a little worried the Turkey Shooters would step on too much of this masterpiece. They did not. They knew when to let that Wiseau-dialogue capture our attention. They also had fantastic zings. And the audience really got into things with comments of their own, and lots and lots and lots of laughing.
The Tommy Wiseau impersonation contest was just more icing on the cake.
Extra props to resident movie-genius Paul Matwychuck (follow him on Twitter here, download his podcast with Vue’s David Berry here) for being a part of the skewering team. And kudos, as we heard, for introducing the Turkey Shooters to the movie. Bravo!
As Sally wrote about the other day, this was also the Turkey Shoot‘s first attempt at live tweeting a movie. I think it went well. They were tweeting while commenting from near the screen, I was tweeting, Sally was tweeting, people in the crowd were tweeting. Lots of people were following on Twitter. I hope #theroomyeg is but the first live tweeting Turkey Shoot does.
He loves us!
May I suggest #drmoreauyeg or simply #yegturkey for next month’s viewing of the Marlon Brando classic “The Island of Dr. Moreau.” Maybe just #yegturkey so we can use it again and again.
As one person tweeted, we should probably all return next year, to remember our evening, the night so many lives changed by viewing The Room.
While I own a copy (thanks to Brittney’s trip to Comic-Con last summer) I could only show the movie to 6 or 7 people at a time. Maybe I’ll start a list so all of Edmonton can enjoy this cinematic gem.
Oh, and the next time this is shown in Edmonton, mark my words, I’m showing up in a tuxedo. Hey, Turkey Shooters, you bring the football.
The Room Comes to #YEG!
Listen you guys, over lo these many years of adulthood, I’ve grown accustomed to some degree of disappointment. As the old saying goes, you can’t always get what you want, and believe me, many a dream has been thwarted in my 70+ years on the planet. But today, I am so, so pleased to tell you that one of my dreams is coming true.
You'll be screaming with excitement over The Room.
That’s because Tommy Wiseau’s masterpiece, “The Room”, is finally hitting the big screen in Edmonton.
So who is the genius responsible for this? Who are these kings among men who finally made it happen?
Let’s all thank the Turkey Shoot guys. If you’re not familiar, Turkey Shoot has been around since 2008, and is a bit of an Edmonton tradition at this point. Each month, Dave Clarke, Jeff Page and friends watch and heckle the very best of the very worst movies, sort of in the tradition of Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Anyway, this Wednesday, they’re taking on The Room, and Dave has even signed up on Twitter strictly for the occasion, just so he can live tweet the whole cinematic debacle. And in that spirit of livetweeting, I asked that Dave (who describes himself as a complete twitter “noob”) answer my questions in 140 characters or less.
SALLY: Tell me what Turkey Shoot is and/or how it started.
DAVE: Turkey Shoot, which for brevity I’ll call TS, started in 2008 at the Metro Cinema. It’s a live version of MST3K. Wait, only 14 left fuck wh
DAVE: K. TS is monthly event we make fun of movies,eg,top gun,ice castles. I’m Dave – actor & musician – the other guy is Jeff. Next THE ROOM!¥€•
SALLY: Why MUST folks come to the screening?
DAVE: Reasons to come. Only $10. 35mm print, Wiseau as MEANT to be seen. Share joy with other fans. Plus you r ENCOURAGED to txt during movie.
SALLY: What is “The Room?”
DAVE: The Room is a 2003 movie with a fast growing cult following. Coz it’s so good. Facebook Turkey Shoot has links. Sal you are mega fan I’m out
I don’t know about you jackals, but I’m sold.
Obviously Jeff and I are going to be there tomorrow night, so if you plan on coming, make sure to drop us an email and say hello. And if you can’t make it, watch for the live-tweeting frenzy that will unfold under hashtag #theroomyeg. The Turkey Shoot guys are even going to give Twitterville a heads up right before the movie rolls, just in case you, say, own an autographed DVD copy of The Room and would rather watch that while reading the live comments on twitter.
Get blindsided in the “Twilight”
(Ed note: My apologies to Jay if that headline is just too much)
Review – The Blind Side
By Jay Runham
When I was younger I had a teacher who used to tell all her students to KISS (Keep It Simple Student). It was a funny, helpful and true saying that helped a lot of people get through middle school. Sandra Bullock’s latest film, The Blind Side, gives a KISS to Hollywood and the feel-good genre of uplifting movies.
Keeping It Simple is what this movie seems to do best. Not that this is a bad thing, as the simplicity seems to help keep the movie in a wholesome and family (and I mean the whole family, not the High School Musical family) oriented realm. I would very easily recommend this to anyone with a family, or someone like my Mom. Being that this movie is coming out the same weekend as the new Twilight film, I think that recommendation is an easy one to make. Mom drops the crazed teenage daughter off at the crappy sequel, Mom goes and enjoys a better movie. Hopefully this helps with its box office earnings.
The acting in this movie is about par, much like how I felt about the rest of the movie. I didn’t feel like anyone really stood out. Sandra Bullock doesn’t exactly mail-in her performance, she does a pretty good job as the loving mother. Tim McGraw plays Tim McGraw, which is ok for this role. Kathy Bates makes an appearance near the end of the 2nd act of the movie and does well, though I feel like she missed a couple really opportune comedic beats. The kid who plays SJ (Jae Head) gets the most laughs in the film but overall doesn’t really out shine anyone, and maybe that’s a good thing.
I liked this movie, really I did. The simplicity of it really doesn’t hurt or help the film. It does deal with some issues that could have gotten more complicated (racism, stereotyping, drug use, etc…), but like I said earlier I think keeping these issues simple helped keep this movie viewable for the whole family. The movie does give out a great message about being different and having faith in people, but personally I would have loved to see them dive into the real life issues behind the feel-good story. Overall though, the film is fun, heartwarming and very family friendly. Just don’t look for anyone to be winning any Oscars with this KISS.
3.5/5
(Another editor’s note: The football player the movie is about, Michael Oher, is a real dude.)
Oh, the Horror…
Long live DEDfest. Despite a bit of a confusion.
“We’re still here,”says one of DEDfest’s co-ordinators (and frequent edmontonian contributor), Derek Clayton. “We’re DEDfest, but we’ve now labelled ourselves deadmonton’s horror festival.”
Derek has been a friend of mine for some time, and as such, is well aware that he can only go into so much detail when discussing the actual films featured at his festival. Because if he tells me too much, it will result in tears, or hysteria, or pants-peeing. Because I’m basically the cowardly lion over here. Instead, he gives me the coles’ notes; he says he’s particularly excited about a movie they’re showing this year called “Neighbor.”
“The tag line is it made its own editor vomit. We got it sight unseen. We saw audience reaction online in a clip,” he explains. “That sold us alone.”
Another festival high point will be “Rampage“, the new film from the man moviegoers love to hate: Uwe Boll.
“Word started coming out of Austin [after a screening] saying this is a great movie. It’s not a videogame adaptation. I think he’s a great director when he steps out of the videogame adaptions.”
“Even the shorts that we’ve got this year are fanatastic. There’s not a short or a film that we’ve picked this year that we’re not 100% behind.”
The festival closes out with Norwegian Nazi-Zombie flick Dead Snow.
Since today’s theme seems to be “things Sally doesn’t get,” I ask Derek about the appeal of horror movies. I am a total suck, and don’t understand the appeal of watching slasher flicks. (more…)
More movies
As you can see below (I’m guessing you’re on our main page, if not, go there and look below this story) the film festival is about to blow our minds with movies.
Suspense! Romance? Comedy!
But Metro Cinema is taking things up a notch during the Edmonton International Film Festival by showing Local Filmmakers.
The cats over at HighWire Films (also behind the CJSR Fundrive videos) have Beartrap for your viewing pleasure this weekend.
This looks to be a bit dark, but funny too. They call it Silence of the Lambs meets the Odd Couple. Which is enough to make it worth checking out.
The movie has local talent, crew, and even boasts some great local (and Canadian) music from Colleen Brown, The Famines, The Joe and Rah Rah.
Also local and showing is The Mysteries of Kinematic Inversion: The Old Man and the Oloid.
Metro Cinema is in Zeidler Hall in the Citadel Theatre, 9828 – 101A Ave. (Hey, I didn’t know until the first time I went, so I’m guessing other people don’t know where it is.)
They’re reel and they’re fabulous
That headline remains my favourite Edmonton International Film Festival tagline.
Ignore the man reflected in the glass and focus on the MOVIES.
The EIFF has been busy picking and choosing films for your enjoyment and education.
They’ve got more than 150 movies, so you better hurry and start planning your schedule. Something to note; it sounds like they’ve got more international films than ever before.
There’s also the 24/ONE challenge. This is where people try to create a short film in just 24 hours. A juried selection of 10 will be screened October 2.
Being a film festival there are screenings and showings and parties and galas and more. So hit up their website, poke around the ONLY venue, City Centre Theatre, and get into the glam of movies.
If you’re looking for a handy hand-held Film Fest guide you can pick one up at Second Cups, TIX on the Square, the aforementioned Empire Theatre in City Centre and in the lastest SEE Magazine.
Don’t forget to tell us what’s good and what movies we should be seeing. Drop us a line in the comments or tell everyone on Twitter with the hashtag #eiff.
Best movie theatre ever
Welcome to the best theatre in Edmonton.
By Gregg Beever
Hey Edmonton, what’s happening? Nice shoes, are they new? Well, they look great. Edmonton, you like movies, right? Yeah, I know you do.
Dinner and movie, that’s an evening well spent, isn’t it? Well, I’m going to do you a favour, Edmonton, and let you in on a little secret: only watch movies at the City Centre theatre. Before I tell you why, let’s first explore the reason you shouldn’t watch movies at the other theatres. (more…)
Movie Review: Extract
In case you haven’t noticed, I always farm movie reviews out to you guys. First, I don’t like writing reviews myself, because let’s be honest, who cares what I think about anything? Also, as we’ve mentioned before, both Jeff and I have strong biases that don’t allow us to be evenhanded in this sort of thing.
In this case, the bias is that Mike Judge is my Tarantino. No other filmmaker has ever spoken more directly to my heart, and thusly, I will see anything he does, and give it the same level of care and attention I give to those Food Network Challenge shows that run on the weekend. And not the lame-o ones, where they’re in Hawaii competing to see who can make the biggest mixed drink in a coconut; but the good ones, where they make Disney character cakes but they don’t leave themselves enough time to finish the characters and so the Princess Jasmine they tried to mold from sugar looks like she has had Mickey Rourke calibre facial reconstruction surgery and belongs in the cast of Real Housewives of New York.
That said, the premise of Extract hasn’t been doing much to win me over. From the Extract website:
To the outside eye, Joel Reynold (Jason Bateman) seems to have everything. After all, being the owner of a business he built from the ground up – with its patented brand of culinary extracts – should make the “Extract King” a happy man.However, if Joel hasn’t reached his front door by 8 o’clock, he’ll find his wife, Suzie (Kristen Wiig) cinching up her sweatpants – and about as interested in him as he is in her mastery of supermarket coupon design. Sexually frustrated, Joel confides in his best pal, Dean (Ben Affleck), a barkeep – and soon finds himself wrapped up in a convoluted scheme to make Suzie cheat on him first with a dim-witted gigolo (Dustin Milligan) – thereby allowing him to pursue beautiful new employee Cindy (Mila Kunis) with a clear conscience.
Wah-wah-wah. Any time a movie revolves around somebody not getting any, I file it under “Woody Allen” or “American Pie” and turn my attention to other things (read = Food Network Challenge #263, Battle: Peanuts). But this is Mike Judge, and he is the thinking man’s Kevin Smith (that doesn’t even make sense, but I am the reviewer and this is the internet, so you will accept it as fact), so I was willing to give it a chance. (more…)
Movie Review: Gamer (also, post 301!)
(Let’s see those confetti cannons, people, because we’ve hit 300 posts. This here is 301, and isn’t it fitting that it’s our friend @MondoJay’s review of “Gamer”, the new film starring Mr. 300 himself, Gerard Butler – opening this weekend (times and locations here). Jay won the preview passes we were giving away earlier this week and has been gracious enough to let us know how the movie was.)
By @MondoJay
Sex, explosions and video games do not a good movie make. Gamer, at its core, has an interesting story that tries to bring the video games of today into the future, with the Gladiator style fighting of the past. But unfortunately, something (or someone) got in the way of that story.
And what a weird story it was. I don’t really like getting into plot summaries, but honestly, if you’ve seen Death Race (which is about on par with this movie), or the famous Gladiator (which is 10x better then this film), you’ve basically seen this story. Man goes to jail, leaving family behind, has to fight his way out, violence ensues. There’s nothing new about the story, except that it happens to take place in a very interesting future of human controlling human for fun and sport. The writers/directors tried too hard to cram all sorts of information about the future society and almost forgot about their reused plot. Then, there are times where they keep banging you over the head with the plot devices, effectively insulting the audience. I’m not sure what the directors/writers were thinking.
Ah, speaking of directors/writers Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, what a pair those two are. If you are unaware, these two guys are the brilliant (I write this sarcastically) minds behind Crank and 
Crank: High Voltage. I’ve personally only seen Crank, and I actually enjoyed that film for what it was worth (and it was worth a quick laugh),Gamer however felt to me as though there could have been more to it then just a quick laugh. It’s hard to say there was something lost in translation because Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor wrote AND directed the film. So what happened guys?
The cast was there, a pretty strong performance from Gerard Butler, and a really nice a creepy performance from Dexter‘s own Michael C. Hall. The visual effects were there, as the film looks pretty good. The concept was there too. Really, I think they just missed the mark on this one. It had potential and it was wasted. Too bad.
2/5
Movie Review: The Time Traveler’s Wife
Okay, so if you have a functioning head with eyes in it, and have spent any time downtown in the last three weeks, you will have seen the poster for The Time Traveler’s Wife about a million times.
I know this isn’t everybody’s cup of tea. And yes, I know that District 9 opens this week, and that this is the INTERNETS and the INTERNETS like District 9. But we had passes to The Time Traveler’s Wife.
And also, we need to use this as an opportunity to discuss something with you guys. After seeing Eric Bana on the Tonight Show earlier this week, promoting this movie, Jeff and I have become Eric Bana extremists. The guy is pretty much the funniest thing around, and we had no idea that he had a somewhat legendary background as a comic actor in Australia before becoming a movie star. He’s totally the new Billy Zane. But a better actor. Sorry, Billy Zane. :(
Now, like all ethical journalists, we are aware of our biases, and will try to account for them. However, you must always remember that Samsonow and I have a strong pro-Bana stance that may unknowingly be reflected in our work. Yes, E.B. has made a few questionable movie choices, but come on, you animals, he’s only human. If you cut Eric Bana, will he not bleed? And how many revered Australian sketch comedy shows have you guys been in the cast of? That’s right, none. Now take a knee.
Anyway, much as I wanted to see the Time Traveler’s Wife, I was unavailable last night. So my good friend Tess volunteered to go on my behalf and jotted down her opinions. And I’m not going to lie, she makes it sound better than I expected. I love Eric Bana enough to be straight with him, so I will admit to not having very high expectations for this.
From roving reporter Tess:
“Adapting a book into a movie is always a precarious task – especially when the book is complicated, which I’m assuming The Time Traveler’s Wife is.
Usually I prefer to see movie versions of books I HAVEN’T read, so I don’t go in with preconceived ideas of what I think the movie should look like. This way, I can take the movie at face value, and usually enjoy it much more. I went into The Time Traveler’s Wife knowing very little about the story, and I think it actually worked against me this time.
When the movie was over, and I was listening to the conversations around me, I heard things like, “It was very close to the book” and other positive remarks. Discussing it with my friends who HAD read the book, they understood details of the movie which kind of confused me, or left me wishing for a more in-depth exploration. (more…)
Movie Magic
(Call them spoilers if you want, but there are certainly movie details ahead.)
As we settled into our seats waiting for Ponyo to begin, the audience was treated to a trailer for The Princess and the Frog, Disney’s latest bid to revive their 2D animation division.
To do it, they seem to be cashing in on “classic” Disney tropes. There’s a princess, a prince, an evil magical guy, transformation of some sort, and the lead character ends up in a poofy white dress at the end. Watching the trailer, I did almost get excited for the retro feel the movie seemed to have going for it…
But then Ponyo began.
Look at that cute little face!
For those who don’t know the work of Ponyo’s director, Hayao Miazaki, he’s often called “The Walt Disney of Japan.” When he appeared at the San Diego Comic Con this summer to promote the movie, he got a standing ovation from over 6000 people in attendance. Yeah, this guy’s got a following. And seeing a film like Ponyo— especially after watching trailers for a movie grasping at old ideas to manufacture new magic —you immediately understand why.
Movie Review: The Ugly Truth (Rated 14A)
By Kenny Total
My wife is the most patient woman in the world. Every time I want to go see explosions, car chases, jiggly girls in t-shirts two sizes too small and gratuitous violence (I’m looking at you, Fast and Furious), she gamely feigns interest as she accompanies me to MichaelBayLand. So when she asked to see The Ugly Truth, I couldn’t very well deny her request.
The premise is not new (complains the Michael Bay fan): A prim and proper television producer is unlucky in love and is aghast when her morning show hires a misogynistic ladies man to share his womanly wisdom in a regular segment called “The Ugly Truth.” Rom-comedy ensues as their wildly differing views on the opposite sex lead to awkward hilarity. 96 minutes later – after a sexy hot dog, remote control panties and Jell-O wrestling – they both come to realize that the qualities they originally loathed are now the things they love.
So what’s the ugly truth about this movie? It’s actually pretty funny. I suspect both Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler are playing stylized versions of themselves. She, the desperate, controlling career woman – and he, the happy-go-lucky, womanizing bachelor. It works well with Butler. He seems like the jovial easy-to-like kind of guy men would want as a wingman. It works with Heigl as well, but with opposite results. Her neurosis would lead the average man to run for his life. Not surprisingly, my wife has an opposing view. Butler’s character was obviously attractive and inappropriately funny but not someone she’d want one of her girlfriends involved with. She saw Heigl as the perfect, sweet, loveable girl you want to see succeed. Pfft… Whatever…
At the end of the day, it boils down to this: Can I recommend this movie? If you’re looking to take your special lady out for Date Night, you should both be suitably entertained by The Ugly Truth. There’s a cool dude that guys wish they could be more like and a likeable lady that the girls want to see succeed.
That said, I’m not a big Katherine Heigl fan, as she reminds me of Jennifer Aniston (in that she’s doomed to play the same role over and over again, opposite a different leading man). If her part had been played by someone I actually found likeable (Sandra Bullock for example), I probably could have justified giving The Ugly Truth an extra half an edmontonian.
Three edmontonians out of five.
Six stars out of ten.
60%
MOVIE TIMES COURTESY OF Edmonton Movie Guide
Cineplex Odeon North Edmonton
14231 137th Avenue, Edmonton, 780-732-2223
Tue 12:40 2:50 5:10 7:40 10:10
Wed 1:00 2:50 5:10 7:40 10:10
Thu 12:40 2:50 5:10 7:40 10:10
Empire 10 Clareview Cinemas, Edmonton
4211-139th Avenue, Edmonton, (780) 473-8383
Tue – Thu 1:30 4:10 7:00 9:25
Empire City Centre 9 Cinemas, Edmonton
10200-102nd Ave. #1329, Edmonton, (780) 421-7018
Tue – Thu 12:45 3:15 6:45 9:20
Empire Westmount Centre Cinemas, Edmonton
2003 Westmount Shopping Centre, 111 Ave. at Groat Rd., Edmonton, (780) 455-8726
Tue – Thu 12:30 3:00 7:10 9:35
Galaxy Cinemas @ Sherwood Park Mall
2020 Sherwood Dr., Sherwood Park, (780) 416-0150
Tue – Thu 1:00 4:15 7:00 9:30
Leduc Cinema
4702 50 St., Leduc, (780) 986-2728
Tue – Thu 1:05 3:25 7:05 9:25
Parkland Cinema 7
130 Century Crossing, Spruce Grove, (780) 962-2332
Tue 1:00 3:05 7:00 9:05
Wed 7:00 9:05
Thu 1:00 3:05 7:00 9:05
Scotiabank Theatre Edmonton
8770-170 St., Edmonton, (780) 444-2400
Tue 12:10 2:40 5:10 7:40 10:20
Wed 1:00 5:10 7:40 10:20
Thu 12:10 2:40 5:10 7:40 10:20
South Edmonton Common
1525 99 St, Edmonton, 780-436-8585
Tue – Thu 12:15 2:45 5:15 7:50 10:25
