The September Spectacular
(Editor’s note: We have no idea why we keep calling Gregg’s movie previews “spectaculars.” But now we can’t stop. They are, however, spectacular.)
By Gregg Beever
Summer technically stretches well into September, but nothing about this month feels like summer. Shadows stretch long, days feel shorter and already I can feel the thermometer in free fall when the sun sets.
The movie industry feels the same way, running out the clock on blockbusters by the end of August. September is a month were studios dump projects they are less confidence in, sheltering films from the stiffer competition of an Iron Man II or Inception.
Going the Distance, the Justin Long/Drew Barrymore romantic comedy I previewed last month, is case in point. The film was pushed back to September 3rd to get “some distance from the other female-driven films releasing in August” according to Warner Bros. Pictures President of Domestic Distribution, Dan Fellman. That “female-driven” film, of course, was Eat, Pray, Love.
However, September isn’t completely devoid of potentially good cinema, there are a couple films I’m excited about. There is also a franchise sequel, however, that somehow manages to repeatedly pull in an audience and thoroughly confuse me.
Let’s get to it! (more…)
The Semen, err, we mean The Switch
A movie review by Gregg Beever
The Switch tells a story each of us, I think, can relate to. We’ve all been there, accidentally spilling a hopeful single mom’s donor semen and replacing it with our own so no one is the wiser. If I had a quarter for every replacement-semen-baby I’ve got, let me tell you, that’s a lot of quarters.
Supplying the semen for this film is Jason Bateman as Wally Mars, the quick-witted, awkward best friend of Kassie Larson (Jennifer Aniston). No longer willing to wait through the standards steps of baby-making, Kassie jumps all those pesky relationship hurdles, opting for artificial insemination.
When a drunk Wally exchanges Kassie’s bottled baby-gravy for a load of his own, the premise is on. Seven years later, his best friend moves back to New York, and Wally begins to realizes he hijacked Kassie’s pregnancy and little Sebastian is his son. (more…)
Gregg vs. Sally: The Expendables
Earlier this summer, our resident movie expert Gregg Beever took one for the team and accompanied me to a screening of Sex and the City 2. He’s since been crouched in the shadows, waiting for the perfect movie that would allow him to exact his revenge on me.
Which is how I wound up at The Expendables last Saturday. What follows is our review of the film, as conducted via Facebook Chat.
Sally: okey doke. so. the expendables. this was my payback for making you endure sex and the city 2.
Gregg: It was basically the polar opposite of Sex and the City 2.
Sally: gender wise, i agree. in terms of being awful, i’d say they’re cut from the same cloth.
Gregg: Can’t argue that…although it was easier watching Expendables as my lust for explosions and needless gore were being pandered to.
Sally: i will say that steve austin was a triumph!
Gregg: If they handed out Oscars for best former wrestler to marginally handle four lines of dialogue, he would certainly get my vote.
Sally: ha ha, i wonder who else would be nominated in that category.
Gregg: Stallone, for having the balls run a bridge at age sixty. “Running” is probably not the term.
Sally: wobbling?
Gregg: Waddling briskly? Shuffling, maybe
The Fringiest Events
Of course it’s the Fringe!
The 29th annual Edmonton International Fringe Festival is all the arts pages will be talking about for the next week. There’s also lots of stuff happening around Old Strathcona that doesn’t take place in a theatre or on a stage. This is the big one, Edmonton.
Morgan had a good point, don’t just try to see the 5-star shows. Ask people what’s good, what’s interesting, what they think you might like. You can always poke around Twitter, and try #yegfringe, for just such questions and inquiries.
Hawrelak Park is busy again this weekend, with the Celtic Festival. BluesFest is next weekend (in Hawrelak Park)…so get warmed up at Rusty Reed’s with Dave Babcock and the Night Keepers
EastwoodFest is Saturday, in the Eastwood neighbourhood. (118 Avenue, 85-87 Streets.)
Churchill Square, which the City has been trying to fill with more events and happenings, in between festivals, has the Latin Festival this weekend. Cha-cha-cha.
There’s Tomoto Fare too. That’s about tomatoes.
West of the city, it’s the Stony Plain Cowboy Gathering Society get-together. You can expect cowboy art, culture, poetry, and music.
Lots of new movies are out this weekend, like Eat, Pray, Love and Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Gregg’s got your lowdown.
In music…N.N. plays an EP release show at the Starlite Room tonight, with Van Gohost and I.E.D. Sunday night at the Starlite Room it’s Fran Healy from Travis.
Falklands are at Wunderbar Friday night.
The Black Dog has some Hair of the Dog Saturday afternoon.
Over at Lyve on Whyte, Friday is Soul Train (with Crowded City Skyline and Hot Hand Phenomenon), Saturday it’s Rocky Mountain Rebel Music (with Brash Tax and The Party Martyrs).
Eddie Shorts has The Frolics Friday and Gaye Delorme Saturday.
Cirque du Soleil is in Edmonton, with Alegria.
In sports…The Prairie Football Conference (PFC) kicks off this weekend. 
Edmonton’s got two teams in that league. The Edmonton Wildcats are coming off a season in which they were western champs, and fell in the Canadian junior football championship. The Edmonton Huskies stunk it up last year, winning no games, and are looking for redemption in 2010. Those games are Saturday and Sunday, at Clarke Park.
From ShareEdmonton: FC Edmonton is hosting the Spokane Spiders (that means we could see Edmonton on all the Spokane affiliates! I hope Ana Cabrera talks about Edmonton.)
Whew!
Gregg’s Summer Movie Spectacular
(Editor’s note: It’s a “spectacular” because he talks a lot.)
By Gregg Beever
Celebrity gossip is not an indulgence I concern myself with. I’m not going to claim some bullshit, altruistic “I’m above gossip” from my throne, high atop Mt. Pretentious, because I admit enjoying the odd Lindsay Lohan train wreck article.
But, generally, I just don’t pay much attention; so when Mel Gibson had a chauvinistic, racist melt down, I was oblivious. My friends were shocked when I looked confused while they laughed and screaming “I DESERVE TO BE BLOWN FIRST!”
Do you figure ole’ Melly slipped into a big comformable pair of hate-speech boots over time, or was he always an insanely jealous, controlling sociopath?
We may never know…or care.
I was joking with Jeff and Sally a while back that I basically use each movie preview to talk about whatever cinematic topic I feel like. This month I thought I’d try speaking more directly to each film. Starting with… (more…)
David vs. Goliath vs. Airport
By Gregg Beever
I consider myself to be a reasonably politically savvy dude. A steady RSS feed of the CBC, the Edmonton Journal, and Jeff’s daily link dump here at the edmontonian arms me with just enough knowledge to claim my wildly inflammatory political opinions aren’t completely unfounded.
I’m familiar with the majority of the local and national movers and shakers, and I mostly understand political and electoral speak.
Mostly.
Plebiscite is a word that has been kicked around a lot with the coming closure one of the Edmonton City Centre Airport’s (ECCA) runways next month. I understood what the word meant, in context, but had to look it up in the dictionary to be sure I grasped the meaning completely.
There is virtually no way to look up a word in the dictionary without feeling stupid. I know, because I do it often trying to avoid sounding like a dolt in front of you guys.
Now you know why I mostly write about movies. Movies are easy and fun; the petition to keep the ECCA open is complex and not that much fun to read about. So let’s discuss it, shall we?
Aftermath – Bad Movie Challenge #1: Battlefield Earth
Alright, we’re not quite sure why but, we want you to tell us your worst Battlefield Earth story.
Maybe this movie ruined your night, your date, your life. Let’s talk about how terrible it is.
We’re not going to be fair and balanced about this. Battlefield Earth is too long, too boring, too dumb to even try and defend.
I watched it, a few weeks back, with Sally and Gregg Beever. After trying to use witchcraft to get my two-and-a-half hours back, I gave up and talked about it with them.
I think talking about it helps.
Here are 10 things we learned by watching this masterpiece of crap:
10) Everything in the future is on a 45 degree angle (Sally)
9) No matter where you are in the universe, or how powerful your species may be, bureaucracy and middle management can always sink your ship. (Jeff)
8) Training a neanderthal to pilot an F-15 fighter jet takes no more than two hours in a flight simulator. (Gregg)
7) When designing costumes for movie, the best way to convey the superiority of one character over another is by giving them a comically oversized codpiece. (S)
6) Even the most talented of actors, in this case John Travolta and Forest Whitaker, cannot save clunky, ham-handed dialogue written by an eight-year-old with a learning disability. (G)
5) Humans will retain a lot of things, such as cliches and metaphors, but basic geometry will not survive in a post-apocalyptic world. (J)
4) Baby Psychlos really love their Kerbango. (S)
3) In the forthcoming battle for Earth, language skills and vocabulary mean nothing. There’s just going to be a super computer that can inject your mind with knowledge in a matter of moments. We’ll call it “The Learning Machine.” (S)
2) The City of Denver will eventually play a surpringly large role in saving mankind. (S)
1) Battlefield Earth’s legacy is a monumental achievement in filmmaking: despite a horrendous script and a witless director, somehow a film crew can still manage to do the job. No one walked out on the film! The actors, set designers, lighting crews and caterers all stuck with it, even when it was clear they were working on an enormous piece of garbage. (G)
OK. Now it’s your turn to share.
the edmontonian’s Bad Movie Challenge #1: Battlefield Earth
Last year, Jeff and I had our first ever bad movie party. It was a screening of Tommy Wiseau’s “The Room,” inspired by one of our favorite non-local blogs, and we had a bunch of people over to sit around and make smart remarks at the TV. It was one of the best parties I’ve ever hosted, and one of the only ones that didn’t end in me rolling around on the floor with a plant in my pants, declaring myself “The Grubermeister.”
But that is a tale for another time.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that Jeff and I were NOT, in fact, party geniuses – and that lots of people gather to do this on a regular basis. The Turkey Shoot guys have been doing it far longer than we have (and better, I might add). And most recently, I found out that our friend and contributor Gregg Beever hosts similar parties at his abode.
Since Gregg is one of the funniest people in the world to watch terrible movies with, Jeff and I had an idea.
The three of us could watch a terrible movie. And then we would challenge you guys to watch it as well.
Then, instead of your standard movie review, we could all have a chance to skewer it in the comments.
So here’s our first Bad Movie Challenge: you guys have seven days to get your hands on “Battlefield Earth.” Jeff, Gregg and I will get the conversation started with our notes on the movie – but what we really want is to hear what you guys think.
Gauntlet: thrown.
Gregg’s quiet coffee
By Gregg Beever
Coffee is a relatively new thing for me. I have always had an aversion to bitter tastes, and coffee is as bitter as liquids come – unless you’ve developed a taste for battery acid, a.k.a. Tim Horton’s coffee.
In the last year I have warmed up to the coffee bean and its deliverance of hyperactivity. On the weekends I regularly take an enjoyable stroll down to the newly renovated Wild Earth Bakery for a cup of mild roast.
Wild Earth coffee may consistently make my stomach go boom, boom, but I drink it anyway. I love having a tiny little coffee shop two blocks from my cosy residential dwelling, and I especially love the walk, as short as it is.
My apartment sits nestled in a urban forest of old growth. Long branches, thick with brilliant green leaves, sift sunlight down through to the sidewalk while summer birds sing to the melody of rustling deciduous.
It is quiet, and calming.
That is until I get to 99th Street where the din of steady traffic finds my ears begging for silence.
While celebrating this year’s Canada Day with my regular pilgrimage for coffee, I thought “wouldn’t it would be great if Edmonton took a holiday from traffic?” Just one day where everyone parked their cars and the only the dull hum of the ETS would fill the streets.
Let’s forget for a moment how logistically impossible that would be.
Think about it, one day out the year when the city’s white noise is replaced by the soft sounds of feet traveling the sidewalks; children laughing and playing in the vacant streets; and conversations of your neighbors enjoying a peaceful day in Canada’s sunniest city.
Imagine Whyte Ave. littered east to west in musicians and street performers setting up shop in the middle of the road, or an impromptu game of ball hockey being playing on the High Level Bridge.
What if, for just one day, you could challenge your friends to a foot race down the length of Calgary trail? Or set up the world’s most painful slip and slide down Bellamy Hill? Wouldn’t that be amazing?
Until that day I’ll just have to enjoy my short walks for coffee where, for a moment, everything is beautifully silent.
Gregg Beever writes amazingly sarcastic movie previews for us, among other things. We had no idea he was so introspective.
Canadian Events
Happy Canada Day, Edmonton!
If you’re feeling patriotic today can get into the Canadiana all over the city. There’s the Silly Summer Parade down Whyte Avenue, Churchill Square is busy with The Works and City Hall has Canada Day activities, the Alberta Legislature is all about our country’s 143rd birthday, and Mill Woods always throws a huge party. For a complete listing of all of Edmonton’s Canada Day fun head to the City’s website.
And don’t forget about fireworks! Mill Woods has them tonight and the river valley will light up with the city’s main sky display. There are some traffic restrictions downtown, tonight, because of the fireworks, so, again, check the city’s website for Canada Day and fireworks details.
Now, because Canada Day is Thursday this year it’s going to throw the week totally off for some people. I’ll be be back at work Friday, but you might not be. So let’s just call this a long-weekend and see what’s going on Thursday-Sunday.
As I noted above, The Works continues in Churchill Square, and various installations around downtown.
The Edmonton International Jazz Festival continues. You should snap some photos and win our hat.
One more festival…feats – estival of dance, continues to move.
July is a new month, and a new month means new movies.
Tonight, the Summer Rooftop Patio Series is on at Latitude 53, and they’re open late for Canada Day.
Meanwhile…over at the “tentue” you’ve got Kim Mitchell and Sass Jordan Friday night. You can’t get more Can-con than that. Speaking of homegrown talent, Calgary’s Roman Danylo is going to be making people (maybe you) laugh over at The Comic Strip.
There’s some big news at the City Market. Eva Sweet Waffles is going to be at the downtown farmers’ market for the rest of the summer. Get some waffles.
It’s a pretty good sports weekend here in the City of Champions. The Edmonton Capitals are taking on Calgary, and you can get another fix of fireworks after Friday’s game. There’s more baseball with the Edmonton Prospects. And the Edmonton Eskimos kick off their 2010 CFL season Sunday, against the B.C. Lions.
Now it’s time to check in with ShareEdmonton and YEGLive.ca for important events and music.
Lil Kim is at Union Hall tonight. Lil Kim is at Union Hall tonight!
The Freewill Shakespeare Festival is back, and they start with my favourite of the Shakespears; Macbeth. They’re also doing Much ado about nothing.
Let me know if there’s anything else I’m missing. Last week I forgot to tell you about the Edmonton Turkish Festival and that’s one of my favourites.
UPDATE: How could I totally forget about the E-Ville “Declaration of Derby,” happening Saturday? I mean, we were giving away tickets and everything. It just proves you guys need to keep me on my toes.
Sunny Summer Movies (But still sassy)
Good News Edmontonianites, Jeff has given the go ahead for me to bring the movie thunder each and every month! That’s twelve times a year by my count!
As promised I’ve included the directors, actors as well as writers of each film to go along with my musings.
If you have any suggestions on how to make the Edmontonian’s monthly movie preview better, or if you just think I’m sexy, leave a comment.
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The Last Airbender – July 2nd
Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Writer: M. Night Shyamalan
Starring: Noah Ringer, Jackson Rathbone, Nicola Peltz
It is getting tough to remember when last M. Night Shyamalan directed a movie not riddled with plot holes, or suffering a completely ridiculous concept.
Those who had the misfortune of watching The Happening know all about Shyamalan and misguided concepts. Thrill as Marky Mark runs way from the wind! The leaves are rustling slightly! Flee! Flee!
Perhaps fond memories of M. Night Shyamalan remain with me after all these years, because I still get a little excited about his projects. After all, The Sixth Sense was great, right? Sooner or later he’s got to turn in another Unbreakable, right?
Don’t hold my breath?
Potential for Awesome?
The Last Airbender certainly looks pretty. The trailer shows off a fantastic live-action translation of the anime-inspired battles seen in the original animated series, which leaves me at least hopeful. But that’s all; hopeful.
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Predators – July 9th
Director: Nimród Antal
Writers: Alex Litvak, Michael Finch
Starring: Adrien Brody, Topher Grace, Danny Trejo, Laurence Fishburne, Walton Goggins, Alice Braga
Unlike the Alien movies, the Predator hasn’t suffered from a severe case of too-many-sequels. You could argue the Alien vs. Predator films count as poorly constructed follow-ups, but they are more like bad spin-offs, or direct to DVD sequels.
While I don’t mind reboots or re-imaginings of old franchises, these movies are tough to pull off; just ask the creative teams behind the remakes of Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street.
It is especially difficult in the sci-fi genre. We nerds are extremely critical, and if your film does not equal the awe and inspiration of the original we will tear your movie to pieces.
Somehow Predators has to live up to everything that made the original a success.
But how could it?
Really, your first experience has the wonder of a new story, the first instant you fall in love with the characters, that will always be the most compelling time. No retelling is going to live up to that initial experience. Directors can only look to turn an old story on it’s head to find some of that wonder and magic again; the way J. J. Abrams did with Star Trek.
Potential for Awesome?
Has Nimród Antal found a way to turn the Predator on it’s head? Predators certainly has a strong cast, and the story is spun a bit and set on the Predator’s home world, which at the very least has got my attention.
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Despicable Me – July 9th
Directors: Pierre Coffin, Chris Renaud
Writers: Ken Daurio, Sergio Pablos, Cinco Paul
Starring: Russell Brand, Jason Segel, Steve Carell, Will Arnett, Ken Jeong, Kirsten Wiig
I’m not sure when it became necessary for a movie to have 4 official trailers, but Despicable Me has at least that many, not counting “featurettes.”
Movie trailers follow a pattern, first is the “teaser” which is usually quite short and often uses footage not found in the final cut. I’m not sure when the teaser became standard advertising practice, but the earliest example I can remember is the misguided remake of Godzilla way, way back in 1998. Remember? There was some dopey museum guide giving children a dinosaur exhibit tour when suddenly Godzilla’s foot crashes down from the roof, crushing the bones of a T-rex.
The teaser is followed by the first official trailer, which includes footage from the film, but reveals almost nothing about the plot. Plot details are handled by the third trailer, by which time you are starting to think maybe you have seen too much and the movie feels somewhat spoiled. The fourth trailer completely spoils the film and you have lost all interest in seeing it.
Potential for Awesome?
Where was I? Oh yes, Despicable Me. It looks funny, has a sharp cast and I have yet to see a bad Jason Segel flick; should be worth the admission.
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The Sorcerer’s Apprentice – July 14th
Director: Jon Turteltaub
Writers: Doug Miro, Carlo Bernard, Matt Lopez
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Jay Baruchel, Teresa Palmer, Monica Bellucci, Alfred Molina
Do I classify this film as a remake, retelling, or just a movie based on a poem?
Disney has had major success with odd-ball properties, building a movie franchise out of a theme park ride, for example. Disney goes back to the well (sort of) with the Sorcerer’s Apprentice, hoping to score, once again, off the German poem of the same name. This time we get Nicolas Cage instead of Mickey Mouse.
Potential for Awesome?
If we use Rotten Tomatoes as a Nicolas Cage barometer we find his movies over the last five years average out to a score of 44.8%. We can the infer that the chances of enjoying his newest opus are about 50/50. Of course, the only Nic Cage movie since 2006 to receive a rating higher than 50% was Kick-Ass at 76%, so I’d say your chances of enjoyment are more like one in five.
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Inception – July 16th
Director: Christopher Nolan
Writer: Christopher Nolan
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Ken Watanabe
At this point you might be thinking “Hey, Gregg, all you do is fecally deposit all over every movie before I see it…so…stop it!” Well, good news, cause I’ll deposit nothing but high praise for the latest work from the Dark Knight mastermind.
Inception has a strong cast full of actors I dig in Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, and, of course Leo. Couple acting talent with an imaginative, sci-fi screen play and I say “here’s my money Mr. Nolan!”
Quick point of interest; does anyone remember the days when teenage girls swooned over Leo like they swoon over the crooked face of Robert Pattison today?
Potential for Awesome?
Inception will be fun and thought provoking, count on it.
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Salt – July 23th
Director: Phillip Noyce
Writer: Kurt Wimmer
Starring: Angelina Jolie, Liev Schreiber, Chiwetel Ejiofor
Angelina Jolie plays Evelyn Salt, a loyal CIA officer who is accused of being a Russian Spy planning to assassinate the president of the United States. Salt is on the run to clear her name, blah, blah, blah…
All you need to know is that Chiwetel Ejiofor, the brilliant villain from Joss Whedon’s Serenity, is in this film. That should be enough to get you in the seats.
Potential for Awesome?
In case you think I’m over selling Ejiofor, which is certainly possible, writer Kurt Wimmer also wrote The Thomas Crown Affair and the bizarre Equilibrium. Those aren’t stellar films, but certainly movies worth a watch, as Salt will likely be.
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Valhalla Rising – July 23th
Director: Nicolas Winding Refn
Writers: Roy Jacobsen, Nicolas Winding Refn
Starring: Mads Mikkelsen
Valhalla Rising tells the story of One Eye, a mute warrior of “supernatural strength” according to IMDB. Imprisoned by a Norse chieftain, One Eye violently escapes with the help of a young boy and the two soon find themselves on a Viking vessel headed for strange, unknown lands.
Potential for Awesome?
It doesn’t take much more than blood soaked swords to get my ass in the theater. I sat through Robin Hood; case in point. Also, Valhalla Rising was filmed entirely in Scotland. Having fallen in love with the country during my European excursion three years ago, I am even more intrigued.
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Dinner for Schmucks – July 23th
Director: Jay Roach
Writers: David Guion, Michael Handelman
Starring: Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, Jemaine Clement, Zach Galifianakis, Larry Wilmore, Stephanie Szostak
I love the versatility of Steve Carell, who played the lovable shmuck in 40 Year Old Virgin, the schmuck spy in Get Smart, the schmuck boss in the Office…okay, you see what I’m getting at.
I guess there’s no point in any guess work when it comes to a Steve Carell film, you might as well just call it Shmucks.
Potential for Awesome?
Let’s see If I can guess the plot to this movie. Paul Rudd meets Steve Carell and thinks he is an awkward boob. Rudd decides to take advantage of Carell for personal gain, but along the way discovers what a great guy he is underneath his annoying, socially inept exterior. In the end the two become best of friends.
Oh, and there is probably also a subplot involving Steve Carell inadvertently ruining Paul Rudd’s relationship with his girlfriend/wife.
Let me know how I did.
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SHOWING AT THE GARNEAU/PRINCESS IN JULY
Cyrus – July 9th – Garneau
Directors: Jay Duplass, Mark Duplass
Writers: Jay Duplass, Mark Duplass
Starring: John C. Reilly, Jonah Hill, Marisa Tomei, Catherine Keener
Gregg says: Marisa Tomei? I’m there!
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The Girl Who Played with Fire – July 9th – Princess
Directors: Daniel Alfredson
Writer: Jonas Frykberg, Stieg Larsson
Starring: Noomi Rapace, Michael Nyqvist
Gregg says: This Swedish film about sex trafficking looks all kinds of disturbing.
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Solitary Man – July 23rd – Garneau/Princess (can’t confirm which)
Directors: Brian Koppelman, David Levien
Writer: Brian Koppelman
Starring: Michael Douglas, Susan Sarandon, Danny DeVito, Mary-Louise Parker, Jenna Fischer
Gregg says: I dig Michael Douglas as the lovable asshole.
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Gregg Beever is indeed going to be telling you all about the movies coming out each month. And he still owes Sally some payback for that whole Sex and the City 2 thing.
18th June, 2010 Edmonton Headlines
This strange photo for today’s look at the news comes from the one and only Gregg Beever.
At first you look at it and you’re just “Whatever, it’s a TV in a parking lot, I see that all the time. People throw their garbage everywhere and I…wait…is it…plugged in?”
Yes, it is. Someone brought their TV to work with them. Or some TV junkie is roaming the streets, looking for an outlet to plug in their television and get their tube fix.
You know, they could just get an iPad. It would probably save them some back pain.
Hey, don’t forget, you could win $95-million tonight.
That seems like so much money I can’t even wrap my head around it.
from the Edmonton Journal:
Officers who wore “no rats” t-shirts still anonymous
Edmonton police badge among cache of stolen goods (Umm, yikes.)
City Centre Airport is a dead issue – please give it a rest (What he said.)
Hostage crisis spurs major security upgrades for WCB buildings
MP wants Stelmach to send ‘clear signal’ to protect water
Real estate rebels now free and clear (The ComFree couple.)
from the Edmonton Sun:
Spending strategies examined at city hall
Teachers want breathing room (They don’t want to face job cuts.)
Edmonton in top five of ‘family-friendly’ cities in Canada
Waste management centre gets new paper recycling plant (We do love our waste management here.)
Local magazine folds (After decades of publishing, Edmontonians is done. Hicks on Six also has some radio news.)
from Metro Edmonton:
No breaks for noisy bikers (Happy Canada Day!)
Lights…camera…sell Edmonton (Should the City sponsor hilarious YouTube videos?)
Seguin gets a taste of Oil Country (SEGUIN!!!!!!!)
from 630CHED/iNews880:
Fewer Albertans collecting EI benefits
Former EPS officer pleads guilty to assault (I think he was working here when the charges were laid. The story’s not 100 percent on that though. A quick Google answered my question that he was indeed on-duty here when charged.)
from CBC Edmonton:
Many Edmontonians going hungry: doctor
City to review safety of McDougall Hill stairs (There will be some pruning to cut down on hiding places.)
Simon & Garfunkel shows on hold (I just remembered a had a string of S&G stories so I thought I’d keep it going.)
from CTV Edmonton:
City mulls temporary bus service to airport (The story is good news. The “mull” is not. Come on! You know, I wish I could look back at all the stories I did in daily news and see if I re-used words like mull.)
B.C. inquiry to release report on Dziekanski death (Step 1: Don’t instantly Taser people. Step 2: They probably won’t die if you follow Step 1.
from Global Edmonton:
Stelmach stands by Blackett’s comments on Canadian television (I do too. Without naming CBC or news-style programming I bet you can’t name me a regular roster of Canadian shows you watch on a regular basis. I know I can’t.)
And we end on an up-note: Dinosaurs! And more dinosaurs!
Even Sassier Summer Movies
Hey Edmonton, Gregg back again with your continued guide to the 2010 summer movie season. I decided it might be a smart idea to let you know the date these films are released this time. Next time I’ll also remember to list the director and who is starring, but I’m too lazy for that right now. Enjoy!
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Splice – June 4th
I loved Zach Snyder’s remake of Dawn of the Dead, brilliantly brutal, and starred Canadian actress Sarah Polley, who turned in a great performance as the vulnerable alpha-female, Ana.
This summer Polley stars along-side another of my favourite performers; Adrien Brody (The Jacket, anyone?). Together they splice a dog with a gnat, or something, and genetic terror ensues.
Honestly, the lab-baby featured in Splice is one of the most uncomfortably creepy monsters I’ve scene on film. I think it’s the lipstick and eyeshadow; just weirds me out.
Potential for Awesome:
Take that lipstick off! You look like a whore!
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Killers – June 4th
Oh gods.
Determining which movies are unworthy of your hard earned dollars is not a difficult task. First ask yourself “Is it a romantic comedy?” If the answer is yes, don’t spend your money; or at least wait until you can rent it.
Okay, maybe you don’t agree good romantic comedies are as rare as a Virgin Marry appearance on toast, but at least read the badly written synopsis before you decide to waste a trip to the theater.
Here is the actual Lionsgate synopsis for Killers:
“Trying to recover from a sudden break-up, Jen Kornfeldt (Katherine Heigl) believes she’ll never fall in love again [Oh no! It’s so tragic and sad!]. But when she reluctantly joins her parents on a trip to the French Riviera, Jen happens to meet the man of her dreams [barf], the dashing [nope], handsome [definitely not] Spencer Aimes (Ashton Kutcher). Three years later, her seemingly impossible wish has come true: she and Spencer are newlyweds living the ideal suburban life [Such a rare, impossible thing to get married and live in suburbia] – that is, until the morning after Spencer’s 30th birthday when bullets start flying. Literally. [What would be happening for bullets to be flying figuratively?]”
Potential for Awesome:
One ironic farmer hat our of Five.
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Get Him to the Greek – June 4th
In an unlikely spin-off, Russell Brand returns to the role of Forgetting Sarah Marshall’s Aldous Snow. Playing the likable asshole suites Brand, whom I’m guessing isn’t straying too far from his actual personality here.
There was some internal debate amongst my friends as to whether Jonah Hill was reprising his desperate musician/waiter character from Forgetting Sarah Marshall or if he was simply playing a whole new character. The answer is, if you care, Hill plays an entirely new character named Aaron Greenberg.
I’ve read early reviews that say the show stealer in this film is actually Sean Combs. P. Diddy himself comes out of nowhere and puts on a comedy clinic, who knew?
Potential for Awesome:
One delicious serving of Saganaki!
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Marmaduke – June 4th
Everyone loves talking dogs!
Pass.
Potential for Awesome:
None.
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A-Team – June 11th
At this point brainstorming in Hollywood must go something like “What else was popular in the 80’s? Didn’t people play Battleship in the 80’s? Yeah, make a movie about Battleship.”
Not surprisingly, the series that made Mr. T a pop-culture phenomenon has passed through the Hollywood recycler for a surely brief nostalgic revival. The modern makeover of the A-Team includes Bradley Cooper, Liam Neeson, Quinton Jackson and District 9’s Sharlto Copley, who at least gives me one reason to watch it.
However, if you love explosions, prepare to have your meaty brain tickled with physically implausible fancy!
Potential for Awesome:
3 out of 5 pitied fools
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The Karate Kid – June 11th
Continuing the rampage through 80s properties we get a new Karate Kid. Reaction to this film is tepid at best, with most movie goers feeling a remake is completely unnecessary. Understandable, considering the last Karate Kid attempted without Ralph Macchio was quite forgettable; how many remember Hilary Swank and praying mantis style?
The new film isn’t even about karate. When word broke Will Smith was producing a Karate Kid starring his son Jaden and Jackie Chan there was some title confusion. Jackie was quoted claiming the movie would be called “The Kung Fu Kid,” a far more appropriate title considering the film is set in China and the plot has Jackie teaching Jaden kung fu, a Chinese discipline, not karate.
But “The Kung Fu Kid” is not an established, bankable franchise, so “The Karate Kid” it is.
Despite its problems, I liked that the remake was set entirely in China, and that Jackie Chan was getting a turn as the Mr. Miyagi-type mentor, there was some potential there. That was until I found out the director, Harald Zwart, was also at the helm for such hits as Pink Panther 2 and Agent Cody Banks.
Potential for Awesome:
All the potential of a modern Steve Martin movie.
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Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work – June 11th
(I’m not sure if or when this will hit Edmonton, June 11th is the US release date)
Sympathy is not easily earned by celebrities, nor is respect. For an aging comedian well past her prime, continuing to work in an industry notorious for chewing and spitting performers, every day must feel like an uphill battle.
Joan Rivers, who’s face looks as though it is used to grow and cultivate Botox, has become the ass end of a punchline in the twilight of her storied career. Once mentored by Johnny Carson, Rivers has been reduced to doing anything for work. “I’ll wear a diaper” she says in the trailer.
A Piece of Work documents a year in her life struggling to maintain her career.
Potential for Awesome:
3 bad menstruation jokes out of 5
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The Mormon Proposition – June 18th
(Again, US release)
Proposition 8 swiftly cut the right to marry for hundreds of thousands Californian homosexuals in November of 2008. The Mormon Proposition examines the role the Mormon church played in tabling the proposition and its eventual passing, thus making for a very angry Sulu. Full power to the gaysers!
Okay, that was lame. That paragraph looked boring, that’s all I got to punch it up. I’M NOT YOUR DAMNED MONKEY!
Anyway, I hardly need another reminder of the active role organized religion plays in the stunting of social progress, but this particular documentary looks too terrifying to pass up.
Potential for Awesome:
Sensors are detecting gayma radiation captain…sorry.
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Toy Story 3 – June 18th
While we’re making gay puns, Woody’s back!
I suspect this will be the last in the Toy Story series. Or at least it should be. The reason for making any sequel is that there is still a story left to tell. In the case of Toy Story 3, Woody and Buzz struggle after being given away when Andy leaves for college, concluding the series where the story for any toy naturally ends.
Pixar is a remarkably consistent studio, producing a dizzying array of memorable films, so I trust them not to go for the cash grab with a Toy Story 4.
Then again, Cars 2 and Monsters Inc. 2 are on the way…sigh…
Potential for Awesome:
10 out of 10. What can I say, I’m a sucker for Pixar movies.
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Jonah Hex – June 18th
Who the cuss is Jonah Hex? Don’t worry, until film blogs came alive with the news of Josh Brolin playing the character I had no idea either. As Hollywood continues to excavate the comic book mine, the heroes unearthed to take the silver screen will become more obscure. Ant-man, for example, a super hero the size of an ant. Riveting.
In fairness to Jonah, he has been around a long while, the character was created in 1971. Billed as a western anti-hero, Hex has no super powers to speak of, save his deadly aim with a pistol. Basically he’s just a badass bounty hunter.
That wasn’t good enough for the studio, of course, who have anointed Jonah with supernatural powers. In the trailer he appears to bring a man back from the dead, which likely sent comic geeks leaping to their keyboard to register their disgust.
But all is not lost, Megan Fox is the leading lady, which is bound to attract the lusting male ticket dollar. Why do you suppose Transformers made 300 million dollars? It certainly had nothing to do with good story telling or adept direction. (hint: the secret is titties and explosions)
Potential for Awesome:
Three sticky Maxim magazines out of Five
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Grown Ups – June 25th
Doctors announced this morning that Adam Sandler’s career laboured on life-support for much of the past decade, but finally succumbed to a family comedy. Sandler’s family issued a statement saying his career died peacefully and in the company of friends David Spade and Rob Schneider. Doctors place the time of death at June 25th, 2010.
Grown Ups is rated PG-13, so technically it isn’t a family comedy, but the trailer sure feels like one. This movie could be like Adam Sandler’s Parenthood. Except Parenthood was good, and Grown Ups will be terrible.
Potential for Awesome:
Hopefully another war of words between Roger Ebert and Schneider will break out. Otherwise, zero.
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Knight and Day – June 25th
Tom Cruise plays a quirky secret agent/spy gone rogue, who gets the unwilling Cameron Diaz involved in a deadly game of lies and betrayal. Diaz must decide if Tom is trust worthy or crazy…in the movie. Otherwise the choice is simple, he’s crazy.
I feel guilty when I want to see a Tom Cruise movie now. I try to convince myself I won’t watch Knight and Day on account of Cruise being a reckless Scientology zealot, but I can’t help myself. The man may be a certified loon, but damn if he isn’t compelling on the silver screen.
Potential for Awesome:
1106 on the E-meter
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The Twilight Saga: Eclipse – June 30th
Lip biting and gay vampires, what else can I say other than “No, Sally, we are not going to go watch Twilight.”
Potential for Awesome:
—–
Gregg Beever is the edmontonian’s Sarcasm Bureau Chief. He’s also lucky Sally has no interest in seeing anything Twilight related.
Sex and the City: Beever Party
Ladies and gentlemen, you know Gregg Beever as our resident dating expert. Or maybe from our recent trip to Funkytown. Or possibly from his ardently anti-Cafe Mosaic stance. But we know and love Gregg as our summer movie guy! As well as the guy who is up for anything! He’s quite the swinger, that Gregg Beever (t-shirt coming soon)!
Which is why I asked him to go see Sex and the City 2 with me. I cannot fairly review this movie, because I have been such a devoted fan of the show for so long. All I knew about it going in was that some, likely, contrived plot device would lead our ladies to Abu Dhabi, and I still wanted to see it. So I needed a voice of reason to go check out the sequel with me.
As far as hetero, sci-fi enthusiasts go, Gregg is pretty much as even-handed and open-minded as they come. He’s man enough to watch a lady movie, in public! And to get cosmos at Ricky’s All Day Grill in City Centre with me beforehand!
But then things sort of fell apart. I’ve been really sick for the last two weeks, so Gregg showed up to find me with a wet barking cough and a cold medicine hangover. And they were out of triple sec at Ricky’s, so we had to settle for cranberry juice in martini glasses. It should’ve been a sign of things to come!
I would like to take a moment to bust out a few spoilers so that I might tell you about some of the plot points that Gregg endured like a champ!):
- The SATC ladies’ karaoke performance of “I Am Woman”
- Liza Minelli in hot pants
- About a million menopause jokes
- Repeated extreme closeups of guys’ junk
So regardless of our opinions of the movie, a very big round of applause for Gregg, who will truly do whatever it takes to keep you guys entertained.
What follows is our review of the film, which we completed via facebook chat.
Oh, the things you’ll do
I’m not messing around when I say there is a lot of stuff to do in Edmonton over the next three days.
There is A LOT of stuff to do in Edmonton over the next three days.
Tonight, I’m making it about music. And you could too.
I’ll be at the Edmonton Symphony Orchestra (9:30), taking in a “Late Night” performance. Tonight is Late Night Paris. After the performance there’s live jazz in the Winspear.
(There’s more Parisien Charm Sunday afternoon.)
The Late Night series is another way the ESO is trying to reach new audiences. They’ve got the Symphony Under the Sky in Hawrelak Park for the Labour Day weekend, matinees, pops, Broadway, kids’ shows, and the classics. A performance at 9:30 on a Friday night makes it feel like a real night on the town.
As the season winds down (it’s over in mid-June) I applaud the ESO for their versatile lineup and can’t wait for 2010-2011 to kick-off in the park.
If you don’t want to spend the evening at the Winspear Centre you can still make tonight about music.
We mentioned earlier that One Way State is playing Friday night with Maurice. Too Slim and the Taildraggers are still at Blues on Whyte too.
Our old pal Jerrold Dubyk is playing this weekend. He’s got a show tonight, at 6:30, at Victoria School. Then The Jerrold Dubyk Quartet takes to the Haven Social Club stage Saturday night with Althea Cunningham and Dawn in the City.
Dance!
Back to Friday music…You could see The Neil Young Trunk Show over at Metro Cinema. Or catch punk legends The Buzzcocks at New City. The U of A’s Convocation Hall has Classic Broadway via Opera Nuova.
And Disney’s Beauty and the Beast finishes its Edmonton run this weekend.
Now…what about the rest of this busy weekend?
Did somebody ask for a Dance-a-Thon? Good. Because Mile Zero Dance is doing just that, Saturday night. It starts at 7:30 and while it says it ends at 1:30 am, I hope it goes until the last dancer drops.
It could be a weekend of shopping for new things. You can swing by Make-It Edmonton! and buy some cool, handmade goods. If you quickly find yourself with buyer’s remorse you can get over to the Winspear and trade that stuff away at the Over the Top Swap, which also happens to be a spa for the day.
You can celebrate videogames with local podcast User Created Content. They’re throwing a 2nd birthday party Saturday. It starts at HiTech Gaming (15219 Stony Plain Road) and finishes at Union Hall (Argyll and 99 Street).
If you’re still in the gaming mood, Sunday sees the monthly GamePub over at Original Joe’s Varsity.
Edmonton’s own Ann Vriend is playing the Myer Horowitz Theatre Saturday night. She’s kind of a big deal.
We are in the midst of summer movie blockbuster season. I think Sally is trying to drag Gregg Beever to Sex and the City 2. I feel bad for him.
Our event-loving friends over at Share Edmonton have something to say about the next few days too. Share has also teamed up with YEG Live.ca to keep us all updated on live music!
They’ve got details on all the running around you could be doing at the Little Big Run and the Subway Coronation Triathalon. I wonder if everyone eats a giant sub after the race?
Saturday sees a Highlands Street Festival over on 112 Avenue.
And don’t forget the Edmonton Energy play at the Butterdome tonight, they’re hosting the Bellingham Slam.
Don’t tell me you can’t find something to do.
The Sassy Summer Movie Spectacular
May Movies – By Gregg Beever
Last week I picked up something called the Edmonton Journal. Have you guys heard of it? It’s some sort of news source printed on paper; how quaint!
Anyway, one of their entertainment journalists wrote a lengthy primer about this summer’s blockbuster movie season.
The article was boring. No sass, no salty language. It needed outrageous opinions and, more importantly, it needed to tell me how, and what, to think about each movie released this summer.
Then I though, “Hey wait! I could tell everyone what to think. That’s way better!”
Read on, fellow Edmontonians, for Part 1 of Gregg’s Summer Movie Primer.
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When you’re hot in Hollywood you are hot. Robert Downey Jr. kicks off the summer blockbuster season as the cocksure Tony Stark in Iron Man 2, continuing his highly bankable rampage through the box office.
Who, at this point, wouldn’t want to see more Downey Jr.?
He instantly takes control of every scene with his magnetic swagger and rugged good looks. Test audience statistics show that 90% of women’s panties blow clean off whenever Mister Junior graces the frame. And why not? Even I would try and grope that sexy man’s ass if he weren’t wearing a giant red and gold chastity suit.
Iron Man 2 boast a strong supporting cast in Mickey Rourke, Don Cheadle, Sam Rockwell, Gwyneth Paltrow and a leather clad Scarlett Johansson. With so much high-end talent, and so many characters to manage there are some concerns director Jon Favreau may have created another Spider-man 3.
But I believe Robert Downey Jr.’s ass can save any film!
Potential for Awesome: 9 sassy, back-talking computers out of 10
Queen Latifah will star in the summer’s first romantic comedy. I like Latifah, she’s a solid actress who comes off as very genuine. It’s nice to see her trusted to carry the female lead in a summer rom-com, particularly because she doesn’t have the absurdly skinny body type typically cast for the part.
Having said that, I’m still not going to see it.
Latifah’s love interest is played by some dude named Common.
Ridiculous names usually mean rappers and, wouldn’t you know it, a quick check on IMDB reveals that Common is indeed such a musician.
Does Common have just the Wright stuff (get it?!) to pull off some romantic movie magic? Let me know, I’ll be in the theater next to it watching Robin Hood.
Potential for Awesome: Zero commons out of sense.
“Making movies, making music and FIGHTING AROUND THE WORLD!”
Russell Crowe is back and reunited with Ridley Scott for Gladiator II: Prince of Thieves.
Since the success of the Dark Knight, tinsel town figures what audiences want are gritty, dark heroes. Ipso facto: a dark and gritty Robin Hood.
Personally, I’m all for it. My greatest frustration with any adapted property from my childhood is they are rarely treated with any degree of seriousness. Instead I’m forced to endure two hours of Shia Labeouf quips and Megan Fox presenting when what I want to see is Optimus Prime struggle as the reluctant warrior.
So if producers believe the road to the bank is paved in heavy adaptions of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Superman, Godzilla, and Robin Hood, I say “Here’s my money!”
Potential for Awesome: Four tug boats out of Five
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I don’t have much to say about what is surely just another bullshit rom-com, except that I’m baffled by the film industry’s sudden fascination with Amanda Seyfried. I know her as one of the bitchy chicks in Mean Girls with questionable acting talent. Now she’s starring in her own summer movie? I don’t get it.
Potential for Awesome: Three Lindsay Lohan meltdowns out of Ten
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Good news and bad news. The bad news is Dreamworks made another Shrek movie, the good news is Community got picked up for a second season. I know the two are unrelated, but I have no idea how to dress up the prospect of another Shrek.
Shrek the Third was surprisingly bad. Somehow the smart, snappy wit that made the series great sank into the swamp. I love you Mike Myers, but your sequels have a nasty habit of rehashing old jokes.
Once a franchise begins to go south recovery is rare and difficult. We all painfully recall the wretched state Joel Schumacher left Batman in. That franchise took eight years and a reboot in an entirely new direction to recover.
Maybe Myers and company manage to pull one out, but I’m not holding my breath.
Potential for Awesome: Two Ogre farts out of Five
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When the announcement came that Universal was producing a MacGruber movie the internet let out a collective “Huh? What?”
Pictures based on Saturday Night Live sketches don’t exactly have a stellar track record, partly because there just isn’t enough substance in a sketch to flesh out into a feature length film. It’s a hurdle that only Dana Carvey and Mike Myers have managed to leap with measured success.
MacGruber must also try to find an audience with a parody of a character who half the target audience will barely remember. At this point Richard Dean Anderson is better known for Stargate than he is MacGyver.
Surprisingly the trailer is solidly hilarious, and we may be in for a surprise as MacGruber looks to buck the trend of the SNL curse. Plus the movie has Kristen Wiig and a pudgy Val Kilmer. I’m sold.
Potential for Awesome: Ten paperclip bombs out of Ten
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Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
A bulked up Jake Gyllenhaal challenges the curse of the horrendous video game adaptation. Very few games have ever been translated into successful films; only Resident Evil has managed to grab decent box office dollars, though I’m unsure why.
However, Jerry Bruckheimer and Disney did manage to turn an amusement park ride into a billion-dollar trilogy, so perhaps the outlook is good for Prince of Persia.
Potential for Awesome: Two broke backs out of a mountain
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I know very little about Sex and the City. When I found out it wasn’t a porno I honestly stopped caring.
What I do know is many husbands and boyfriends will be dragged to the theater to watch Sara Jessica Parker (who would make a great Gargamel in the upcoming Smurfs movie) and that Canadian chick learn about life, love and expensive clothes…again.
The poster for Sex and the City 2 reads “Carrie on.” More like “Carrie Off.” Am I right? High fives, everyone!
Potential for Awesome: Half a Mr. Big
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Gregg Beever’s a busy guy, but don’t you worry Hollywood kids, he’ll have more summer movie spectaculars soon. He just has to go blow up a few things for Michael Bay first.
All too common
You already have that feeling of dread, don't you?
By Gregg Beever
South Edmonton Common is not a place I visit often. At least not anymore.
Six years ago I would travel to the “retail power centre” daily, working for Best Buy. It was my first intimate exposure to the modern retail mentality; a big box culture where everything centered around the bottom line.
Morning meetings discussing the previous day’s sales numbers were followed by an emphatic cheer session. Best Buy’s stock numbers hung up-to-date in the break room while managers on the sales floor hovered over their charges reminding them ad nauseam to sell each and every customer on a Product Service Plan.
The flat linoleum wasteland was packed with patrons desperately seeking a poorly paid staff member, who barely knew a Firewire cable from their shoelace, for electronics advice.
When I quit to move on to my current job the general manager tried selling me on staying, like he was selling me a car stereo.
“Don’t you like opportunity?” he asked. A question I assumed was meant to be rhetorical.
Working only 37.5 hours a week to ensure I wasn’t legally full-time, and therefore did not qualify for benefits, was all I needed to know about the “opportunity” at Best Buy and how much the retail giant cared about the needs of its employees.
I packed up, left for greener pastures, and have scarcely been back to South Common since.
This weekend, however, I returned to Edmonton’s southern beacon of commercial progress in search of some hockey gear. (more…)
We got taken to Funkytown
I knew I was in good hands.
Warning: I will likely make so many jokes about being funky, or just use the term funky, that it will become annoying.
Picture it…Edmonton, 1982-ish…disco was dead, punk was a thing, and clubs didn’t know which way the wind was blowing just yet.
That was one of my first thoughts upon entering Funky Town, a new bar on Whyte Avenue, in the old “Attic” space above Savoy, at Calgary Trail.
When I first saw the re-branded bar, I didn’t know what to think. I expected it was going to be the same old club music but with this “Funky Town” name. A name that harkens to a different era, and of course that song.
We were going to go there, at first as a joke, since we’re old and look more like chaperones than people who would frequent such a place. But when Sally mentioned that it might actually be a bar that tried to evoke the disco era I was truly excited to go.
They certainly try to catch that vibe.
Self-explanatory.
You know you’re cool when you walk into a place as soon as it opens. The music’s pumping but the place is empty. Perfect for snapping photos of plastic hand chairs, disco balls, and reflective bubbles.
The guys running the place quickly changed over half of the four television sets from the Canucks game to some kind of awesome retro music channel. It was to be on these screens we’d watch videos of the songs we’d hear.
Stuff like “Love Shack,” “Addicted to Love,” “My Sharona,” and “Everybody Dance Now.”
Yes, that mix of music doesn’t quite make sense for a true Funkytown experience, but it was good enough. Plus, the DJ booth had a cover that looked like a giant ghetto blaster and that scores you points, in my books.
The drinks weren’t any cheaper than your average place, a vodka and a beer ran us $12. But sipping our cocktails in what appeared (or was made to appear like) some kind of reptile skin-covered seats made up for that. I think.
We left before the sky was dark, so I don’t know if they keep playing the retro tunes all night. The crowd was mostly under 30, with a few faces that would have been just that in the days of the music we heard.
I’d go back.
Of course we took along our discerning friend Gregg Beever. The guy’s got taste, and we needed someone with that to help get a clear idea of what Funky Town is all about.
I asked him for his thoughts on Edmonton’s hottest new club:
It sure is a bar on Whyte Avenue.
I dunno, I really didn’t get a retro vibe. Did you? A name like Funky Town suggests a sound track of 60′s and 70′s music to me, and most of what I heard was 80′s. Where were the Go-go dancers? The bell bottom jeans? The plush couches and chairs? The closest thing we got was a disco ball! Lame.
I was prepared to have my socks funked off. It didn’t happen.
Won't you take me to Funkytown?
I’ll agree, there wasn’t a huge 70s vibe. You might be able to convince me of really late 70s, but the music takes you into the 80s and 90s and kind of throws it all off.
Sally says:
You guys are way too literal. Do you go to Supercuts expecting a trim from a dude in a cape? I think not! Case rested! Meeting adjourned! You are the weakest link!(?)
The most important thing to remember is that if you like going dancing, or if you’re the type of person whose idea of a good time is an 80s or 90s night, you will flipping LOVE Funky Town. The staff uniform is a tuxedo t-shirt. They have giant plastic hand chairs and faux-snakeskin booths. I heard Young MC, Robert Palmer and Aerosmith all in under an hour.
As for the not “disco enough” complaint, let’s not forget that we are very, very, tragically old. What was “retro” when we were young is now probably considered “oldies.” So our penchant for disco is trumped by the youngsters’ ironic love of music from the 90s (read: my actual CD collection). And it also bears mentioning that we were there at 8:10 p.m., ten minutes after it opened. They weren’t going to blow their real dance gold on the only three douchebags who roll in immediately after opening and run around fondling the plastic hand chairs and taking pictures of everything with their cameraphones (this would be why all the pictures are completely devoid of other people).
I would go back, but probably only between 8 and 10 (because I hate people, loud music and dancing, pretty much making this the worst place for me to be). I guess I ultimately choose to experience Funky Town as a loud, empty, ironically decorated pub.
Perhaps that’s a market they can tap…?
I give Funky Town 3 1/2 Cafe Mosaics of 5.
I'm in a bubble, surrounded by giant hands. And not even tripping on acid.
Earth Hour…monthly?
By Gregg Beever
Pointless, idle conversations are the order of business in our apartment. For instance, last week my roommate and I spent half-an-hour theorizing the various quantum realities created by Marty McFly meeting his parents in 1955. Not exactly critical, world-saving dialogue.
Sitting in the dark for Earth Hour Saturday night, however, we did
manage a little world saving, to go along with our dreams of owning a
Mr. Fusion equipped DeLorean. Edmonton’s power consumption between 8:30 and 9:30 p.m. dropped three percent; a temporary dip in an otherwise steady release of carbon dioxide into the night’s hazy air.
“It seems darker this year,” my roommate, Mark, pondered. “Last year we had enough light to play chess.”
Indeed, it did seem Earth Hour was darker for 2010, a solitary candle on the coffee table was necessary to avoid a complete black out. I even taped a sheet of paper around the candle for a larger, softer light source. No way that goes wrong, right?
Going without power, even for an hour, illustrated just how much we depend on electricity. It’s like camping in your house, temporarily devoid of basic amenities; a little domestic adventure. Mark, unfortunately, chickened out on the adventure of pooping in the dark. The filthy cheater opted to turn the bathroom light on.
Earth Hour in Edmonton is slowly gaining momentum with 28 businesses and buildings registering to take part in the event this year. While our energy reduction was not as significant as 2009 (5.2 percent) organizers say that Earth Hour isn’t so much about the drop in power as it is raising awareness for energy efficiency and climate change.
I think it could be both.
Our climate problems are becoming more intense by the day and any drop in power, even a temporary one, would seem beneficial. In fact, why not take Earth Hour to the next step and make it a monthly affair rather than an annual one? Every month we could make a small dent in our electric bill and collectively give the environment a little breather.
Every movement has to start somewhere. Earth Hour began in one city, Sydney, Australia, in 2007 and became an international event one year later.
How awesome would it be if Edmontonians started a monthly Earth Hour? Super awesome, that’s how awesome!
We’ll make a party out of it. You guys could all come over every month, crowd tightly into our tiny apartment and play a rousing game of “Hey! Who’s touching my ass?” in the dark. Afterwards I’ll treat you dirty, earth-saving hippies to Cafe Mosaics and you can order whatever vegan dish you pretend to like.
Two shots at Cafe Mosaics in one year! Say goodbye to those advertising dollars, Jeff.
Gregg Beever wants to do, and don’t, you
Good news Edmonton, it’s March!
Christmas is over and St. Valentine has packed his chalky candy hearts away for another year, meaning a flood of suddenly singles will soon be prowling the city’s nightlife looking for love.
Wait…what?
I’ll bet that’s what you are thinking, but lets face it, Edmonton, this is time of year when a lot of people become single. We’ve all been there, no one wants to dump their boyfriend or girlfriend before Christmas, or on Valentine’s Day, so we gut it out. Sure, it’s cowardly, but breaking up is hard; we can hardly be blamed for not wanting to make it any harder. So we wait.
Then in late February – BLAM! – pull the trigger, execution style!
So to prep you for Edmonton’s forthcoming 2010 spring singles season I’ve compiled a list of dating dos and don’ts. Once you’re finished reading I guarantee you will be ready to sow your wild oats, or whatever bad prairie analogy you want to use. (more…)
Beever’s Best
Best & Worst of Edmonton 2009 according to me, Gregg Beever
It’s probably a week late for a “year in review” type post, but I’ve
managed to convince the Editor-in-Chief to let me do it anyway. So
gather ‘round Edmonton, here is the year’s best and worst according to
me, Gregg Beever.
Best Local Band: The Provincial Archive
Edmonton has a very good music scene. While I haven’t experienced
enough of any other city’s scene to be considered even remotely
expert, I think I can humbly and modestly declare Edmonton’s the best
on the planet.
Our city has a plethora of small, intimate venues like the Empress,
Blue Chair or the Hydeaway. Here the music isn’t deafening, neither is
it crowded with hordes of drunk teenage lunatics screaming in your
very aged and sensitive ears. These are venues where the nuances of
each tune can be soaked in peacefully over a pint or a coffee. I can
spend an entire show in relaxed mesmerization of a percussionist’s
talented movements, the concentration of a cellist or violinist, or
the deft fingering of a guitarist.
Small venues also give you the opportunity to chat with the musicians.
I always make a point of telling an artist when I liked their set. My
theory is no one gets tired of hearing they are awesome. Plus it leads
to some interesting conversations, for instance: I once had a chat
with Megan from The Last Town Chorus about the logistics of using
laminated bookmarks as tools for cleaning up sexual fluids.
A friend of mine once told me she avoided chatting with musicians for
fear of becoming “that girl.” You know the one; that wound up
pre-pubescent girl, lavishing band members with intense adoration
before giving in to hyperventilation and passing out.
Which bring us (finally) to The Provincial Archive.
Craig Schram’s melodic prairie tunes truly demonstrate the fantastic
level of musical talent that exists in E-town. The Archive’s soft
sounds, formed from a collection of guitar, accordion, mandolin,
glockenspiels and other absorbing rhythms, somehow find me
steering-wheel drumming like I was rocking out in my car to Motion
City Soundtrack. In short, they’re excellent.
So excellent, in fact, that when I was chatting with one band member
before a show at the Pawn Shop I sounded like that hyped up
pre-pubescent girl meeting the Jonas Brothers.
I’m willing to bet I didn’t come off quite so ridiculous, but that’s
how I remember it:
“You guys are fantastic, I listen to you in my car every day! It’s
weird that you guys are, like, from Edmonton and I’m playing your
music in Edmonton, you know? That’s just…weird, right? I love you
guys. I’m going to have your babies.” (more…)
Nuclear Power: Not green but not that scary
By Gregg Beever
It’s winter, isn’t it? Kind of tough to tell these days.
Winter brings shorter days and shorter days mean the lights stay on longer. Our winter heating bills double as we jack the thermostat in an effort to combat hypothermia. It’s the time of year our already rabid consumption of energy becomes insanely intense.
Edmonton, like many other city around the globe, is growing along with its insatiable energy needs. So how is Edmonton and the rest of Alberta going to fuel the future?
Before you answer, remember, we have to do it cleanly and greenly. You know, that whole global warming thing.
A few months back I was at the Greyhound Bus Station on a delivery errand. As my package was being processed a young woman cycled up to the door carrying several large, bound stacks of paper. Dressed in earthy tones she had natural, mid-length hair, wore no obvious make-up and was equipped with the kind of proper cycling gear that suggested her bike was her main mode of transport. In short, she was the type of girl that makes my hippy heart flutter.
It came as no surprise, then, that the stacks she placed on the conveyor belt beside me were posters for an environmental advocacy group. The poster read “A Truly Green Future…Does Not Include Nuclear Power,” a slogan belonging to the Coalition for a Nuclear Free Alberta (CNFA).
It occurred to me, as I was driving home, that I should have picked her brain about it. Why should Alberta be nuclear free? What makes nuclear power not “truly green?” Would that girl have given me her phone number?
These were all questions that demanded answers. Since I’ll never get the answer for that last one, I’ll have settle for answering the first two. (more…)
Save Local TV. No, Save Local Cable. Or the CRTC?
This really has nothing to do with the story.
By Gregg Beever
Fall is upon Edmonton and with it the onset of a brand new season of television. What a great time of year to plunk yourself down in front of your TV! The days are getting short, it’s cold outside, your couch is warm and inviting, it’s the perfect occasion for a little escapism.
Every time I turn to bask in TV’s warming glow, however, I get caught in a shouting match between Canadian broadcasters and the cable and satellite TV providers. You’ve probably witnessed yourself the Local TV Matters spots where a little wormy guy talks to people (read: actors) on the street about the state of local television programming.
The conversation goes something like this:
“Did you know that cable and satellite providers hate local television and want to drive it out of business?”
“No, that’s horseshit!”
“They also said they slept with your Grandmother.”
“Gram gram?”
You get more of the same when the cable providers step up to the soap box, wailing about an unforgivable tax on TV.
I decided that neither ad campaign was helping me, in any way, understand the issue. If the Canadian broadcasters and cable providers ran dueling campaigns comprised entirely of wet fart noises I would be just as informed. That being the case, I thought I’d try and figure it out with the best investigative journalism Google could provide. (more…)
Fashion’s a stranger
We’ve had some great help with Edmonton Fashion Week from two fashion experts (here and here), both showing off their designs this week.
Now, Gregg Beever channels my own lack of fashion sense and looks for some really old school inspiration.
Hey again, Edmonton, what’s the haps?
Abbreviating words like “happening” signifies what a hip and cool dude I am. As such a “with it” fellow I have my finger placed firmly on the cultural pulse of the city.
How do I manage to keep myself so current? Why I read the edmontonian of course, Edmonton’s only online magazine that delivers hard hitting journalism written by handsome, sexy authors. Thanks to the edmontonian, I know that this week is Fashion Week in E-town.
Admittedly, I’m never all that up to date on fashion. Remember at the turn of the century when That 70’s Show was at it’s peak, Ashton Kutcher wasn’t (creepily) married to Demi Moore and Topher Grace wasn’t helping to ruin Spider-man? There was this brief revival of 70’s fashion. I was the guy in 2005 decked out in bell bottoms and dangerously wide collars going “this is still cool, right?”
If a lesson is to be learned, it is that fashion is cyclical, sooner or later everything that was old is new again. It creates a frightening precedent. Some fashions don’t deserve another go around. (more…)
