Pipe down, loudmouth
Our resident cranky lady, Janine Edwards, is back, and wants you to quiet down.
Darling Edmontonians, we have a problem. And that problem is noise. You see, our delicate ears cannot handle the terrifying noise that motorcycles make.
Shut-up, ambulance!
Living where I do, it makes sense. All too often, they rip through my neighbourhood, startling myself and my little old lady neighbour next door. They are ridiculously loud, and I was more than happy to hear that the city is telling them to quiet down.
But then, I saw that people are now complaining the sirens on emergency vehicles are too loud. Where do we live? Communist Russia?
The sound of emergency sirens are too loud? You would have hated bomb raid sirens during WW2. The common theme here: sirens save lives.
I live near a fire station, and I’ll admit… Occasionally the fire trucks will awaken me in the night. But rather than get angry at them I consider this: that emergency vehicle is potentially SAVING SOMEONE’S LIFE.
So maybe it jolts you out of your light sleep, but that emergency vehicle is on its way to put out a fire, stop crime, or give much needed medical attention to someone. Are you really that selfish that you’ll whine about the siren sound?
Other people on the road need to know the good guys are on their way, so that they can make way for them. Those precious seconds mean something in situations which can be life or death. So when I hear someone whining about the decibel levels of sirens, I want to push the mute button on them.
Rather than complain about the heroes, let’s stop a real noise menace! I’m talking about drunks and “woo girls.” I’m sick of trying to go to bed and hearing drunk people having their loud conversations on street corners. Of girls ‘wooooing’, and of overly loud laughter. I’m tired of waking up to the party crowd, honking horns, and arguments. Where’s the noise crackdown on them?
I want the loud mouth partiers to shut-up. Is that too much to ask? Go home! It’s a Wednesday night!
Is it too much to ask that instead of punishing the police and emergency vehicles – we give emergency responders duct tape for the jerks who wake me up, while they describe some rad thing that just happened at the club? Or they can taze them. I don’t care, I just want some sleep.
Feel free to use your sirens on the way over to taze the loud drunks.
Like “Cheers.” But with guns.
This party is now cancelled.
By Janine Edwards
So, the City of Edmonton and the Public Safety Compliance Team are closing the Gingur Sky Lounge for two weeks. First of all, who is this “Public Safety Compliance Team” and why did they never find out what happened to the three-pawed bear menace that was stalking children in downtown Edmonton?
The second thing… why does the PSCT want to shut it down? This bunch of professional party poopers think that Gingur Sky is dangerous. Really? Just because there’s been a string of violent incidents at a nightclub… you think it’s dangerous? Wow, you guys don’t know how to party.
Okay, so there are fights, and shootings, and stabbings… but have you BEEN to Gingur Sky? The bar is filled with wanna-be thugs. I don’t think closing down Gingur Sky is the answer. Oh no. In fact, I think it’s the OPPOSITE of the answer.
Let’s keep the bar open. It’s in a shady, uninhabited part of Edmonton, right? So keep the nightclub around – and start using the violence as a selling point! Let’s make this bar into a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah. Anything can happen at Gingur Sky! Bring your weapons – bring your drug money… Settle your scores on Saturday nights at Gingur Sky!
This benefits three main groups:
- The Police. Is it the weekend? Then you know that shit is going down at the club tonight! You know that come 2a.m., you need to get down there and bust someone for dealing, weapons charges, or a shooting. The Police should build a station nearby for just such an occasion.
- Journalists. Forget chasing that stupid peahen! Instead, you know that something is going to happen at Gingur Sky. Infiltrate the scene. Meet the locals. Stand with your camera crew across the street – ready to strike. The news will pretty much write itself.
- The Public! That’s right… you, yourself will benefit. You’ll know which bar to avoid, and hopefully, the bad guys will start taking each other out. The ones left standing will be arrested by police, and the cycle will continue until Edmonton is pretty much crime free. Chief Boyd should run on this platform. Wait – do they even run? Maybe he can run against Mandel.
Keeping Gingur Sky open is a benefit to EVERYONE. It will make our city streets safer, and give the criminals a place to call their own. Until they’re sent to jail.
Or, they’ll all team up and become Super Villians. But I think you need a doctorate for that.
Time for a new statue?
Hi Edmonton. It’s me, Janine. I missed you.
It’s been a while because, well, you have been doing a good job without me. At least, I thought you were.
And then I noticed, that none of you are asking the big question when it comes to this whole arena debate. The Journal has a new angle every weekend but has one person asked the biggest question of all? No.
That's the one. (Photo: joevare)
What is that question? I’m happy to tell you dear friends…
What will happen to the Gretzky Statue?!
Yes, the Hockey icon (dare-I-say) of yesteryear. He stands proudly, holding that long-ago Stanley cup up high above his head. It’s long been a landmark of our great city.
Many people have pictures taken in front of, and with, the fine statue… but if the team gets moved downtown into a new arena what happens to the forgotten statue?
Will we move the relic? Is there a spot for it in the new building? Can it go in the floating garden? There are so many things to consider!
Perhaps we leave it there, a forgotten memento of a winning team and a franchise to be truly proud of. We could build a new statue of another hockey player who really bound the fans together.
(Here’s where I get really unpopular.) Why not build a statue of Chris Pronger at our new arena site?
It’s the last time I really remember all the fans being on the same side. Brought together by our hatred of a man who left our city behind, some of us still boo him. He was a man who thought we weren’t good enough, a man who wanted someplace warmer, someplace where the fans cared less. But, he also played on a team that got to the Stanley Cup Finals.
When did that happen next? Only time will tell, but it doesn’t look like it will be happening any time soon. Maybe one day our kids will experience what it’s like to have a winning hockey team. Until that moment, we should remember what it was like to all be on the same page.
Four days after the big 2006 playoffs… he put a damper on everything. Those “personal reasons” were the most talked about thing for months, and his wife had the house packed up in what seemed like hours. Fans haven’t agreed as much in years, so that’s why I think that Chris Pronger deserves a statue outside of the new arena.
Or, perhaps we just make a brand new, bigger, better statue of Gretzky and all he symbolizes. Those bright, big years in the 80s.
Third option: A giant statue of Daryl Katz, dressed like Batman.
Let’s have Edmontonians decide this one.
Have yourself an angry little Christmas
By Janine Edwards
Sometimes you've just gotta punch some snow.
Sweet Mistress Winter is finally here. She came fashionably late to the party known as Edmonton, but does anyone really mind? Some of us are delighted our mistress has come back to woo us. Others, like me, know she rules us with an icy vice-like grip. Like it or not, she now controls us for the next few months.
Surely, I am being dramatic. But am I, Edmonton? Now, if you’ve lived here as long as I have… You should know how to cope with the season. However, we have a lot of people who didn’t grow up here… and even those who tend to forget. So, without further ado, here’s Janine’s guide to surviving the dark wintry hell known as Blizzard Season in Edmonton (and area).
First things first: DON’T BE A DOUCHEBAG.
That seems simple enough, (more…)
We called it!
(A tip of the hat to Stephen Colbert for the headline.)
Back in July (July, Edmonton!) we had a contributor put forward a plan that would revolutionize Fort Edmonton Park. It included rides, mazes, virtual realities, interactive pictures, videos and exhibits.
They all laughed.
Well, today the laughing stopped.
(The laughing at us and Janine I mean. You can feel free to laugh at the idea of a high-tech old timey park.)
If only we had predicted the log flume.
What if I told you the horses were actually holograms? (Photo: Fort Edmonton Park)
Save Local (Real Estate) TV
By Janine Edwards
I can’t seem to fast forward through commercials without seeing those annoying ‘Save Local TV‘ ads. Or the ones that oppose… I’m assuming ‘Kill Local TV’? Maybe it’s ‘Abolish Local TV?’
Let’s just say I can’t make it through an episode of CSI: NY without ignoring the propaganda. I’m already watching your local station… Am I not doing my part already? (By the way… Gary Sinise? More like Gary-Sin-easy-on-the-eyes… Amiright ladies?)
My problem isn’t that these commercials are annoying. It’s not that I don’t care. It’s not even for the fact that they’re taking away commercial spots they could fill with REAL advertisers and earn the local station money… Oh no. My problem is that they’ve taken away the one, truest local TV channel – and never gave it back.
That’s right my friends… My heart yearns for the Real Estate Network channel.
Those of you new to Edmonton, or new to awesome, would not have heard of it. This is the synopsis: the Real Estate channel was a channel which featured listings of houses, apartments, trailers, hovels, mansions, and condos in the city. You’d see a picture of the lovely house, you’d see a price, you’d see the picture of the realtor, their name, company, and contact information. Is there an Open House this weekend? You bet your ass the Real Estate channel would inform you!
It was the ultimate in house porn. Every house would be up for about 30 seconds, then the next property would be featured. Every 10 minutes or so was a different area of town. (Like the north-side? Stay tuned! In 40 minutes, you too can live near the beautiful Clareview transit centre.)
Families everywhere would gather around the screen, looking at houses. Occasionally, you’d call “dibs” on a really nice bungalow in Mill Woods and point out that your brother would wind up living in that trailer in Heritage. It was truly a bonding moment that families all over Edmonton can reflect upon and cherish.
Then, suddenly, without any sort of warning or petition (this happened in an age before Facebook groups) – the best thing to ever happen to Local TV was gone. Forever living on in our hearts. Before, this city used to love looking at houses. We used to love and respect realtors! Now how do we treat them? Can you name one? Oh, okay… But how about 17? I didn’t think so.
Local TV should be about the city. It should be something that connects us all… And what’s better than shelter? We all need somewhere to live, don’t we?
So I will not be supporting Local TV until I get my Real Estate channel back! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go watch more HGTV. Take that Local TV!
seinfeil – That’s one hot tan
Continuing our Hallowe’en theme today, here’s a place that will really set your soul on fire. Or tan you.
What Janine didn't know, was that the price of her tanning session was eternal damnation.
Ed Stelmach: lone wolf pack
A letter to the Premier of Alberta, on his most recent television appearance, by Janine Edwards.
Dear Mr. Stelmach,
Your speech last night put me to sleep. It’s a good thing I set my VCR to record the speech, because I had to catch up on it when I woke up.
Now that I’ve watched it, let’s get a few things straight.
That cost HOW MUCH? $134,000. Wow. How many ‘Paranormal Activity’ or likewise indie movies could that purchase? And just what exactly cost so much money?
Was it all that beautiful stock footage? Was it the suit? (Which made you look frightening and awkward.) Was it the powerpoint slides swinging by on the screen? Was it for the speech-writer?
Here are some things you, Mr. Stelmach, and your team could do to improve these paid speeches:
1. Don’t read your prompter word-for-word. We CAN see you, and can tell you are reading as you are talking. Next you’ll be sounding out the big words.
2. Ask NAIT and SAIT kids to get the stock footage. It could be their assignment at school and cost nothing to the taxpayer.
3. Ditch the suit, wear something comfortable. Mr. Stelmach, by wearing that suit – you, yourself, just look like a suit. There is no personality there… you are exactly what I thought you’d be. Next time – how about a warm sweater-vest? Or perhaps a three wolf, one moon t-shirt. It will show that you’re one hip cat.
4. If you must use the powerpoint slideslow – do me one favour: creative transitioning. I want that dissolve feature, the curtain transition, and of course, the star wipe. The star wipe is key. Do this over and over, and we’ll take you seriously. As well, you’ll be watched by more people, all over the world – as we will ensure the world sees the video on YouTube.
5. Did you see when Harper sang that catchy Beatles tune on stage? Canadians went ape-shit. Step one: Learn the clarinet. Step two: A groovy jazz number to close your next speech.
6. Ditch the whole ‘speech’ concept. Film it like an episode of ‘Cribs’. Take us on a tour of the Legislature, or your farm in Andrew, and discuss the economy as you tell us what’s in your fridge, and how many cars you have. The brief look at your forest was alright… but what sort of farmer are you? Is it a Beet farm? Beet farmers are popular nowadays.
As it stands, it wasn’t the exciting speech I so dreamed it would be. Do I think it accomplished what you thought it would? No. But I think you just found the opportunity to waste taxpayers money and have a solid 18 minutes of air-time too tempting to resist. I can’t fault you that.
Oh, and by the way – I recorded over some Survivorman episodes. Thanks a lot, Stelmach.
Fall Fotos
Was spelling photo with an F too obvious? Can I still blame all the turkey I ate this weekend? I’ll be back on my A-game soon. (Once the turkey leftovers are all gone.)
I had mentioned a little ways back (before this snow) that I wanted a few glimpses of fall. I had no idea it was going to be so brief…
Anyway…here are some shots from me, from EdwardMonton and Janine Edwards, and me again. Let’s call it: Edmonton Fall.
While I’m talking about photos, our first blast of winter was captured well by Alex Abboud.
These bags are only happy when they are full of leaves.
seinfeil – CityTV screenfail
It seems that a couple of our regular contributors/friends/enemies were watching CityTV this morning and saw the same mistake.
Thanks to Janine and Derjis for sending this on over. Spelling errors are always fun.
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Bonus points to Janine for the second error.
Opinion: Don’t give money to the homeless
The givers not knowing where their money’s going
Is as sinful as throwing away
- Cold War Kids, “Passing the hat”
By: Janine Edwards
We’ve established already that I’m an uncaring human being. If you are unaware of this, perhaps you should pay closer attention to my Letters to the Editors. If you’ve previously been offended by my point of view… you really aren’t going to like this.
Homeless people are ruining our city.
‘But Janine! They can’t help it. They’re addicts, they’ve had a bum deal, they are victims of an uncaring society.’ Bah.
There are places out there to help them. Lots of places. Okay, now we’re all recessionary… But there were tons of homeless even when we had staff shortages.
Now, in the style of our soon to be ruler of Colberta, I’m putting the Homeless on notice. (more…)
Gimme (a reason for) Sympathy
Letter to the editor: By Janine Edwards
Where's the strike?
Alright Edmonton, I’ll admit it. I went to get groceries yesterday. And do you know where I went? Safeway.
Why Safeway? Because they don’t need me to buy cloth hipster grocery bags. They don’t charge me for the plastic ones either. And it’s about 2 blocks from my house. (See? I’m eating local.)
When I trudged home with my arms laden with groceries, a thought came into my head. Sure, there are a bunch of distribution centre workers on strike. (I think some make ice cream?) But how are they going to rally my support?
All of them are picketing in front of some warehouse I didn’t even know existed until this strike. Sure, if they were blocking the Yellowhead I’d notice. But where are they? I don’t see them, therefore they don’t want me to care.
However, I heard this morning that Safeway hired up some Scabs. Great! Now, you can picket those Scabs… OR you can rally the city by picketing rotating Safeway locations.
If I rolled up to a Safeway and there were tons of people standing with signs, perhaps chanting… my instincts to avoid conflict would kick in, and I’d immediately consider my options for other grocery stores. I don’t want to risk walking up and getting pummeled with produce, which is what I hear usually happens when distribution workers go on strike.
Even better – they could hand out hand-drawn maps to locations of other grocery stores! That would sure show Safeway! And, because they’re out where the people are, we could see them.
Who knows? Maybe that would make us start to care about the fate of these workers.
Letter to the Editor: Roller Coasters = Education!
This would be way more educational if it went 100 km/h and spun you upside down. (Photo: Fort Edmonton Park)
I’ve decided to write another letter to the editor after a few weeks pause. Don’t worry, edmontonian editors, it’s nothing you’ve done – although I was very close to complaining about how you deep-fried olives with pits.
No, I’ve been on vacation. And you know what? It was great.
Vacations are great because you get to see how other cities are run and see what can be improved in our great city. Without further ado, I present the master plan I’ve learnt from some of the cities I’ve visited: amusement rides in educational places.
Yes, I’m talking about educational roller coasters.
We’ve all ridden on one or two emotional roller coasters in our lives, and I’m sure we’ve learnt something. But educational roller coasters (and other rides) will teach children (and adults) about the subject while letting them have fun!
By now you’re possibly thinking: ‘But Janine, how does this relate to Edmonton?.’ Ah, yes. I’m thinking Fort Edmonton Park.
I know, I know, it’s all about the olden times – but stick with me here. Do our children care about the olden days? No, they really couldn’t care less. These children demand Spongebob. They want Wiggles. They want bright colours and flashy things. So let’s give them what they want and have a great time doing it.
Here are my proposed upgrades to Fort Edmonton Park:
The bear necessities, for a curfew
Once again, people seemed to miss a very important detail to a story. A
detail, which could change Edmonton for the better.
This week, everyone freaked out at the possibility of a human hand being found in a bush downtown. I’ll admit, I was worried. I quickly did a hand check of all those in the room, and after a brief moment of panic, found out we were okay.
Then the wheels began to turn… British Columbia has its severed feet.
Surely you recall the foot that washed up on the beach, the foot found by a
jogger, etc… The random, no explanation severed feet. This severed hand
could’ve been our foot.
Letter to the Editor – July 7/09
Re: “Close the City Centre Airport,” July 6
This park has an amazing glow. Photo: Janine Edwards
While visiting one of my fast-becoming-favourite Edmonton-based websites, I was surprised to find an editorial on closing the Edmonton City Centre Airport. I think everyone is missing the big picture here in all this debate.
“We could start our own game, where people throw ducks at balloons and nothing’s the way it seems. “
Submitted to us by the lovely Janine Edwards:
“If you’re a resident of Edmonton’s south side, you’ll be happy to know a travelling carnival has popped up! The carnival has rides, mini-donuts, and games that can appeal to all ages.
It’s located on the south-east corner of Bonnie Doon Mall’s parking lot until Sunday. After that it moves to the south-west corner of Mill Woods Town Centre Mall, where it will delight children of all ages until the end of Canada Day.” (more…)
