Municipal election signs bloom every three years.

By Janine Edwards

What do you think? Is it fair for candidates not to be charged when some of them blatantly leave signs out littering our city?

You can find many uses for old election signs.

Darling Edmontonians, we have a problem. And that problem is noise. You see, our delicate ears cannot handle the terrifying noise that motorcycles make.

Shut-up, ambulance!

Living where I do, it makes sense. All too often, they rip through my neighbourhood, startling myself and my little old lady neighbour next door. They are ridiculously loud, and I was more than happy to hear that the city is telling them to quiet down.

But then, I saw that people are now complaining the sirens on emergency vehicles are too loud. Where do we live? Communist Russia?

The sound of emergency sirens are too loud? You would have hated bomb raid sirens during WW2. The common theme here: sirens save lives.

I live near a fire station, and I’ll admit… Occasionally the fire trucks will awaken me in the night. But rather than get angry at them I consider this: that emergency vehicle is potentially SAVING SOMEONE’S LIFE.

So maybe it jolts you out of your light sleep, but that emergency vehicle is on its way to put out a fire, stop crime, or give much needed medical attention to someone. Are you really that selfish that you’ll whine about the siren sound?

Other people on the road need to know the good guys are on their way, so that they can make way for them. Those precious seconds mean something in situations which can be life or death. So when I hear someone whining about the decibel levels of sirens, I want to push the mute button on them.

Rather than complain about the heroes, let’s stop a real noise menace! I’m talking about drunks and “woo girls.” I’m sick of trying to go to bed and hearing drunk people having their loud conversations on street corners. Of girls ‘wooooing’, and of overly loud laughter. I’m tired of waking up to the party crowd, honking horns, and arguments. Where’s the noise crackdown on them?

I want the loud mouth partiers to shut-up. Is that too much to ask? Go home! It’s a Wednesday night!

Is it too much to ask that instead of punishing the police and emergency vehicles – we give emergency responders duct tape for the jerks who wake me up, while they describe some rad thing that just happened at the club? Or they can taze them. I don’t care, I just want some sleep.

Feel free to use your sirens on the way over to taze the loud drunks.

This party is now cancelled.

By Janine Edwards

So, the City of Edmonton and the Public Safety Compliance Team are closing the Gingur Sky Lounge for two weeks. First of all, who is this “Public Safety Compliance Team” and why did they never find out what happened to the three-pawed bear menace that was stalking children in downtown Edmonton?

The second thing…  why does the PSCT want to shut it down? This bunch of professional party poopers think that Gingur Sky is dangerous. Really? Just because there’s been a string of violent incidents at a nightclub… you think it’s dangerous? Wow, you guys don’t know how to party.

Okay, so there are fights, and shootings, and stabbings… but have you BEEN to Gingur Sky? The bar is filled with wanna-be thugs.  I don’t think closing down Gingur Sky is the answer. Oh no. In fact, I think it’s the OPPOSITE of the answer.

Let’s keep the bar open. It’s in a shady, uninhabited part of Edmonton, right? So keep the nightclub around – and start using the violence as a selling point! Let’s make this bar into a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah.  Anything can happen at Gingur Sky! Bring your weapons – bring your drug money… Settle your scores on Saturday nights at Gingur Sky!

This benefits three main groups:

1. The Police. Is it the weekend? Then you know that shit is going down at the club tonight! You know that come 2a.m., you need to get down there and bust someone for dealing, weapons charges, or a shooting.  The Police should build a station nearby for just such an occasion.
2. Journalists. Forget chasing that stupid peahen! Instead, you know that something is going to happen at Gingur Sky. Infiltrate the scene. Meet the locals. Stand with your camera crew across the street – ready to strike. The news will pretty much write itself.
3. The Public! That’s right… you, yourself will benefit.  You’ll know which bar to avoid, and hopefully, the bad guys will start taking each other out. The ones left standing will be arrested by police, and the cycle will continue until Edmonton is pretty much crime free.  Chief Boyd should run on this platform. Wait – do they even run? Maybe he can run against Mandel.

Keeping Gingur Sky open is a benefit to EVERYONE. It will make our city streets safer, and give the criminals a place to call their own. Until they’re sent to jail.

Or, they’ll all team up and become Super Villians. But I think you need a doctorate for that.

It’s been a while because, well, you have been doing a good job without me. At least, I thought you were.

And then I noticed, that none of you are asking the big question when it comes to this whole arena debate. The Journal has a new angle every weekend but has one person asked the biggest question of all? No.

That's the one. (Photo: joevare)

What is that question? I’m happy to tell you dear friends…

What will happen to the Gretzky Statue?!

Yes, the Hockey icon (dare-I-say) of yesteryear. He stands proudly, holding that long-ago Stanley cup up high above his head. It’s long been a landmark of our great city.

Many people have pictures taken in front of, and with, the fine statue… but if the team gets moved downtown into a new arena what happens to the forgotten statue?

Will we move the relic? Is there a spot for it in the new building? Can it go in the floating garden? There are so many things to consider!

Perhaps we leave it there, a forgotten memento of a winning team and a franchise to be truly proud of. We could build a new statue of another hockey player who really bound the fans together.

(Here’s where I get really unpopular.) Why not build a statue of Chris Pronger at our new arena site?

It’s the last time I really remember all the fans being on the same side. Brought together by our hatred of a man who left our city behind, some of us still boo him. He was a man who thought we weren’t good enough, a man who wanted someplace warmer, someplace where the fans cared less. But, he also played on a team that got to the Stanley Cup Finals.

When did that happen next? Only time will tell, but it doesn’t look like it will be happening any time soon. Maybe one day our kids will experience what it’s like to have a winning hockey team. Until that moment, we should remember what it was like to all be on the same page.

Four days after the big 2006 playoffs… he put a damper on everything. Those “personal reasons” were the most talked about thing for months, and his wife had the house packed up in what seemed like hours. Fans haven’t agreed as much in years, so that’s why I think that Chris Pronger deserves a statue outside of the new arena.

Or, perhaps we just make a brand new, bigger, better statue of Gretzky and all he symbolizes. Those bright, big years in the 80s.

Third option: A giant statue of Daryl Katz, dressed like Batman.

Let’s have Edmontonians decide this one.

Sometimes you've just gotta punch some snow.

Sweet Mistress Winter is finally here. She came fashionably late to the party known as Edmonton, but does anyone really mind?  Some of us are delighted our mistress has come back to woo us. Others, like me, know she rules us with an icy vice-like grip. Like it or not, she now controls us for the next few months.

Surely, I am being dramatic. But am I, Edmonton? Now, if you’ve lived here as long as I have… You should know how to cope with the season. However, we have a lot of people who didn’t grow up here… and even those who tend to forget. So, without further ado, here’s Janine’s guide to surviving the dark wintry hell known as Blizzard Season in Edmonton (and area).

First things first: DON’T BE A DOUCHEBAG.

That seems simple enough, but it actually encompasses a huge amount of my list. If you’re not being a douchebag, you’ll leave ample room between yourself and the car in front of you. You’ll keep your eyes on the road and not on your kids, radio, gps, or cellphone.

When you see someone has space between their vehicle and the vehicle in front of them, you won’t take it as an opportunity to cut into that lane – because that is a douchebag move. If you see someone stuck in the snow – pull over and help push! And if someone helps you out of the snow, make sure they can get their vehicle out before you speed off.

2. Drive for the conditions! It’s winter. There are 10 centimeters of fresh powder on the ground. Below that, a sheet of ice. So why the f*** are you going 80 in a 60? Slow your dumb-ass down. Do you want to end up killed? Do you want to slide into another vehicle or a person? No. Then how about driving for the conditions! And don’t ride the ass of someone who’s driving a sedan and is driving a little cautiously and slow.

3. It’s winter… Dress the part.

I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve already pulled the long johns out of the drawer. The whole not-dressing-for-the-weather-because-I-look-so-good-in-this-skirt thing is sooooo ninth grade. You’re adults now. (Mostly? Do non-adults read this thing?). Even if you aren’t an adult – listen up: keeping warm is sexy. Toques are a turn-on, scarves are scandalous – and not-losing-body-parts-due-to-extreme-frost-bite is down-right libidinous. (Okay, so I broke out a Roget’s for that last one.) The point is: if you’re leaving your house and you’re not covered from head to toe – you’re going to freeze to death. That’s science. (And over-exaggeration!) Bundle up and dress for the temperature. You never know when your car will break down, your office will have a random fire drill or when you’ll get locked out of your house.

Last, but certainly not least: Scale back on your fake and bake, ladies! (And weirdly orange gents!) Listen honey, we know you like keeping the glow. But, it’s been -27 for three weeks and we haven’t seen the sun in days. You’re so orange, children are starting to mistake you for an Oompa Loompa. I’m not saying you have to quit… but just tone down your tone a bit, capiche?

Oh, and as an added bonus, here are my misc tips:

• Don’t overdo the Christmas music at work… Someone will contemplate smashing your CD’s/iPod. (I speak from personal experience!)
• Christmas sweaters are evil. Don’t give them as presents. (Seriously Aunt Judy, it’s getting ridiculous!)
• Shovel someone else’s driveway/sidewalk.
• Buy someone a coffee or hot chocolate. Bonus points if they’re homeless. Triple points if you get them a warm meal as well. All points null if you know the person – this is a random act of kindness to strangers.
• Build a snowman. Snowmen make people cheery – and that is science.

Happy Ho Ho Ho from your favourite edmontonian contributor and mine, Janine Edwards.

Take that, winter!