- Cold War Kids, “Passing the hat”

By: Janine Edwards

We’ve established already that I’m an uncaring human being. If you are unaware of this, perhaps you should pay closer attention to my Letters to the Editors. If you’ve previously been offended by my point of view… you really aren’t going to like this.

Homeless people are ruining our city.

‘But Janine! They can’t help it. They’re addicts, they’ve had a bum deal, they are victims of an uncaring society.’ Bah.

There are places out there to help them. Lots of places. Okay, now we’re all recessionary… But there were tons of homeless even when we had staff shortages.

Now, in the style of our soon to be ruler of Colberta, I’m putting the Homeless on notice.

Case #1: Homeless couple from 23rd avenue interchange. You’ve probably seen this couple with their signs, cart, and dog. They approach people at the 23rd ave interchange and ask for money. Every once in a while, they’ll use that money to purchase meals at McDonald’s. The manager at this McD’s has offered them both jobs, trying to help them out. They snubbed the job, continuing to beg at the corner instead of taking a job with benefits, that will help pay for schooling, and allow you to accumulate copious amounts of McDonald’s Monopoly Properties. (By the way, Monopoly is back October 6th. Mark your calendars.)

Case #2: Food Screamer. You may have seen him in the West End. My friend was leaving a 7-11 and saw this dude, who may have a problem – may be faking – flailing his arms around and yelling. She tried calming him down, eventually figuring out he was throwing this public tantrum because he was hungry. She bought him hot dogs and continued about her day. Later she spotted him outside the A&W in Mayfield Common doing the same routine. Guess it was dinner time.

What do trained seal man and the homeless family have in common? WE AREN’T HELPING.

Oh, by no means am I telling you we aren’t donating enough – we all have our own causes we donate to. I just think we need to stop giving them money.

Just don’t. I wish every single time someone opened their purse for a loonie, bus fare, or a plane ticket for one of these people I could be there, giving them a tough-love slap on the hand.

It would hurt just enough for you to remember not to do it anymore.

Aren’t you sweet? But ARE you helping them?? Or are you increasing their ‘I’m-owed-something complex’ and leading them on so they beg more. This is to say nothing of the addiction and mental-health issues…

And really? You’re giving to people using the “I’m blind and deaf and can’t hold a job” card? Or the signs on the side of the road? Or the “I can’t get to my reserve/job/FamiliesHouseForChristmas because MyDogAteMyMoney/IWasMugged/IDrankTheMoney/IWorkForSafewaysDistributionCentre” excuse? (The last excuse is like a madlib. Get the kids together tonight and come up with your own list. I can’t wait to see them.)

At least come up with a better sign than: “Homeless. Need Money. God Bless.”

Creativity counts people!!! “Saving money for baby Elephant to join Lucy” or “Like to drink, meet pretty ladies, and get lucky,” or “Family has been abducted, need money to pay for ransom.” All are better lines than the crap they’re feeding us.

Years ago I had the opportunity to work and help out some of these people. You know what I found? Most of the Homeless are fucking with us. Preying on your sympathies to scam you of money, and end up making good coin doing nothing.

Want to make Edmonton a World Class city? We need to crack down on homelessness. Put them to work at the shelters they’re using. Hire a construction crew to work with the homeless in building a new shelter all “Habitat for Humanity” style. I don’t have all the answers, but I know the answer isn’t in you handing them money for nothing.

Where's the strike?

Alright Edmonton, I’ll admit it. I went to get groceries yesterday. And do you know where I went? Safeway.

Why Safeway? Because they don’t need me to buy cloth hipster grocery bags. They don’t charge me for the plastic ones either. And it’s about 2 blocks from my house. (See? I’m eating local.)

When I trudged home with my arms laden with groceries, a thought came into my head. Sure, there are a bunch of distribution centre workers on strike. (I think some make ice cream?) But how are they going to rally my support?

All of them are picketing in front of some warehouse I didn’t even know existed until this strike. Sure, if they were blocking the Yellowhead I’d notice. But where are they? I don’t see them, therefore they don’t want me to care.

However, I heard this morning that Safeway hired up some Scabs. Great! Now, you can picket those Scabs… OR you can rally the city by picketing rotating Safeway locations.

If I rolled up to a Safeway and there were tons of people standing with signs, perhaps chanting… my instincts to avoid conflict would kick in, and I’d immediately consider my options for other grocery stores. I don’t want to risk walking up and getting pummeled with produce, which is what I hear usually happens when distribution workers go on strike.

Even better – they could hand out hand-drawn maps to locations of other grocery stores! That would sure show Safeway! And, because they’re out where the people are, we could see them.

Who knows? Maybe that would make us start to care about the fate of these workers.

This would be way more educational if it went 100 km/h and spun you upside down. (Photo: Fort Edmonton Park)

I’ve decided to write another letter to the editor after a few weeks pause. Don’t worry, edmontonian editors, it’s nothing you’ve done – although I was very close to complaining about how you deep-fried olives with pits.

No, I’ve been on vacation. And you know what? It was great.

Vacations are great because you get to see how other cities are run and see what can be improved in our great city. Without further ado, I present the master plan I’ve learnt from some of the cities I’ve visited: amusement rides in educational places.

Yes, I’m talking about educational roller coasters.

We’ve all ridden on one or two emotional roller coasters in our lives, and I’m sure we’ve learnt something. But educational roller coasters (and other rides) will teach children (and adults) about the subject while letting them have fun!

By now you’re possibly thinking: ‘But Janine, how does this relate to Edmonton?.’ Ah, yes. I’m thinking Fort Edmonton Park.

I know, I know, it’s all about the olden times – but stick with me here. Do our children care about the olden days? No, they really couldn’t care less. These children demand Spongebob. They want Wiggles. They want bright colours and flashy things. So let’s give them what they want and have a great time doing it.

Here are my proposed upgrades to Fort Edmonton Park:

1. In the Fort itself, no one wants to see a big coaster ripping through the settlers cabins. BUT who doesn’t love Turbo Ride? We build a small building (to look old, of course) by the lookout tower behind the main house. People go inside and get to experience what it was REALLY like to live during the fur trade times, to hunt buffalo, or to canoe down the old North
Saskatchewan River. Watch old pioneers chop wood, and truly experience a ride through the prairies. Live through a ride on the big York boat, all while ‘surrounded’ by accurate depictions of the people of the times.

2. 1885 Street, the Settlement Era would be the perfect place for a giant wooden roller coaster. Think about how delightful it would be to see people riding on rollercoaster cars shaped like covered wagons. The ride wouldn’t go upside down, but it could go underground, in a tunnel. Inside the tunnel
would be video images and a voice telling people about the time period.
Thrills AND learning! Perhaps there could be a splash section. The photos
taken of people on the ride would be in black and white, naturally.
Elsewhere on the ride would be sections about the establishment of telegraph
and printing mediums, as well as information on the North West Rebellion of
1885. sure, you might have to ride the ride a few times for all the
information to sink in… but that stimulates Edmonton’s economy.

3. For 1905 Street, we’re going to build a maze – made of tents! As
Edmonton boomed, there wasn’t enough places for people to live – so they
lived in a tent city. We’ll symbolize the tent city by creating the maze,
and making people experience it by getting a card when they enter the maze,
and needing to stamp it in 8 different tents set up in the maze. One tent
will hold information about the forming of the University of Alberta in
1908, there’s also the Rutherford House, Streetcar, and tons of other
potential information to put in the tents. Who doesn’t love a good maze?

Those are just three of my many ideas. I haven’t even mentioned the carnival
and carnival games, the house of Oddities, or Shake Shack.

After reading my comments, you might ask how I’m qualified to make these
suggestions. Well fear not, fellow edmontonian readers, I’m a professional.
I’ve ridden my fair share of rides AND I’ve played many a successful game of
Roller Coaster Tycoon. Rest assured, I’ve thought this through. If we want
to be a world class city, we need amusement rides in our educational parks.

Perhaps next time we’ll look at having Dodgems, Tilt-a-Whirls, and the
Zipper at the Muttart Conservatory.

- Janine Edwards, Edmonton

(Editor’s note:  After earlier terse letters from Janine, we’re glad she’s eased up on us and just given her opinion on something else.)

This park has an amazing glow. Photo: Janine Edwards

While visiting one of my fast-becoming-favourite Edmonton-based websites, I was surprised to find an editorial on closing the Edmonton City Centre Airport. I think everyone is missing the big picture here in all this debate.

A little south of the “Muni,” just behind the RCMP (K-division HQ), is a quaint little park. And do you at the edmontonian know which park this is? Airway Park. That’s right. AIRWAY. As in, a park near an Airport.

If we as a city close the Muni, we will have to re-name this little park. I know what you’re thinking now… you’re re-thinking your decision to close the airport. And I don’t blame you.

Re-name a whole park! That will cost us $100′s of dollars! They might even have to create a new tax.

Without Airway Park… where will our children play? Where will the Edmonton Rugby Union or Down Under Club meet?

And I don’t think you were aware of the ESSPA. The Edmonton Senior Slo-Pitch Association has a long history here in Edmonton (it dates back to 1983).

From their site: “The livelihood of our Association has been due to the commitment of our members who have had to make difficult decisions to ensure Senior Slo-Pitch thrives Edmonton. After long and arduous searching for a suitable sight a five year lease agreement was reached with the City early in 1990. This allowed ESSPA to use two diamonds (3 and 4) at Airway Park (113 St. and 113 Ave.) These two diamonds have since been developed to top grade diamonds complete with infield shale, safety fencing, dugouts and sprinkler system, mostly by volunteer help from our members and with the assistance of the City of Edmonton. Approximately $100,000 (material purchases, contract labor and labor in kind) has been spent developing these two diamonds. Although other groups use the diamonds, they are maintained by ESSPA.”

The very livelihood of ESSPA rests on Airway Park. And you want to shut it and make these poor seniors suffer? Or re-name it and confuse them?

Airway Park has softball history, and is used for multiple sports. Photo: Janine Edwards

And what of these two plaques? What would you do to them?

I haven’t even touched on the costs and time we’ll need to expend to update the above websites, Google, and the like. Who will pay?

I’m surprised at the edmontonian for not researching into the debate throughly enough.

Save the Edmonton City Centre Airport. Save Airway Park.

- Janine Edwards, Edmonton

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So, we’ve got quite a lot on the go for this week. I’ll be heading to City Hall tomorrow night for a municipal development plan meeting, where local non-profit ‘Greater Edmonton Alliance’ is rounding up citizens to show their support for a local food economy. I’ll also be chatting up some area businesses to find out who has loyalty programs that you can take advantage of – and we’re going to have the edmontonian’s first contest. Be sure to follow us on twitter for more info!

Thanks for joining us in our second week! Remember, if you have story ideas or submissions (we welcome stories, photos, videos – whatever you’ve got!), please send them our way, via email, twitter, or leave them in the comments.