We heart buttons
By: Colin MacIntyre
There are few things in life more enjoyable than signing a Canadian cellular phone contract.
It’s an event so wonderful, so mindbendingly full of joy, that the Cell-Co’s have to limit our signings to once every three years.
Yes, we've used this photo before. But what other image, than that of the Zack Morris phone, pays homage to cell phones of old?
Recently I was able to take part in this experience, having decided it was time to upgrade my cellular phone. Not that there was anything wrong with my phone mind you. It performed its functions admirably: I could talk into it, I could hear people talking in it, I could take blurry low resolution pictures and send misspelled messages using something called T9 word.
Alas, my phone was way past its normal cellular life span, having reached the ripe old age of 13 months. I’m actually amazed it worked so well, considering that 1 Cell phone month = 18 human years. So with that, I went out to my local cell-co mart, and came home with a little bundle of cellular joy: a Borkberry.
For those who aren’t aware, a BorkBerry is a brand of ‘Smartphone’, which has become the standard amongst the cellphone buying populace. A Smartphone is much very much like your normal phone, as in your normal ‘picture taking, music playing, Lady Gaga ring tonin’ phone.
However unlike your normal cellphone, you can access the Internet, send and receive emails, and generally behave like you’ve stuffed your computer into your pocket. To be fair, there are many kinds of smartphones: There are Borkberrys, as well as those phones made by that fruit company, and, more recently, phones made by that cute, scampy Internet search engine, who just seem to be getting into everything these days. Except for China (Zing!).
Now, one of the reasons I acquired a Borkberry was to satisfy this curiosity about these little devices. They seem to be everywhere! Businessfolk, Hollywood elites, Politicians, all seem to have these things. Hell, I’ve seen people whom I’d question whether they could tie their shoes, typing away on Borkberries! So what IS IT about them that fuels their popularity?
What is it about them that makes people who pay dozens of dollars to attend sporting events, presumably to watch said event, ignore said event, to tap away with their thumbs on a 3-inch keyboard? What is it that makes people who are out enjoying the company of other people ignore those people to stare into a little LCD screen?
After a couple weeks of research, I am happy to say I have solved this mystery, and the answer is so simple, so blatantly obvious a symptom of the human condition, that frankly, I’m a little embarrassed to even report it.
It’s the buttons.
See, we humans are a simple animals. We like simple things. Kitties riding Roombas. A well placed tennis ball into the groin region of an unsuspecting male. Chocolate Rabbits. We also, like pushing buttons. Nay, we LOVE pushing buttons.
Ponder if you will, all the joy you’ve received in life due to pushing buttons. The snooze button on your alarm clock. The satisfying ‘Click’ of your clicker pen. All those buttons you have on your TV remote! Yes, there actually is something on your televison, but if you actually stay on a channel and watch, you won’t be pushing buttons! We just love pushing buttons! Heck, that’s why an ever-growing percentage of us spend our days in front of computers, pushing thousands of buttons per day and NOT. ONE. PERSON. COMPLAINS.
And what do smartphones have a lot of? It’s buttons; lots and lots and lots of tiny, clickable, satisfying, buttons. If you have a smartphone with a physical keyboard, chances are you have approximately 47 buttons in the palm of your hand. If you have on of those touchy smartphones well you can have a bajllion different buttons as well!
So there you have it. Mystery Solved. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to ice my big toe. I…uh…was checking my messages when I walked into a mailbox. ‘Smart’phones indeed.
Going Mobile
Well, the Internet isn't on phones for Zack and I.
This one doesn’t really have a lot to do with Edmonton, except that I’m in Edmonton and so are you and so is your phone.
If you’re not like old Zack Morris over there (and me…) you can probably point that fancy phone of yours to all points across the Internet and literally carry the world in your palm. I’m happy for you.
I’m so happy for you, in fact, that I’ve tweaked our website for your phone. If you head to theedmontonian.com you won’t be bogged down with giant Flash photos and other web junk anymore. No sir, you’ll be phone-surfing to our new mobile website (ooh…ahh) which is clean and simple because time can’t be wasted, in this fast-paced world, waiting for giant websites to load.
It also means you have even more opportunities to read my mundane rantings.
The Internet: it’s on phones now.
